You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear

[TheSowsEar]

I first came across this expression during A level English around 35 years ago. It was in DH Lawrence's The Rainbow, I think.

It's something that's been expressed to me about myself quite a few times since either directly, the coarser version of ^you can't polish shit', indirectly where the sentiment has been communicated if the expression itself wasn't used or just being told to 'do better' appearance wise and failing.

It's how I've come to think of myself throughout the years. I stopped making any kind of effort with my appearance about 3 years ago. I never dress up, I don't wear make up. I just don't try to look nice anymore. Clean, yes; tidy, yes; presentable, yes but not nice or attractive. I feel quite uncomfortable at the thought of 'making an effort' nowadays.

I find I receive far fewer negative comments about my appearance since I stopped bothering at all (well, none actually). Obviously, I don't get positive ones either but they were few and far between anyway. I can live without those. I just got really sick of being told I should try harder, try differently, be better and never quite managing it anyway. Or just being mocked for trying but failing to meet other people's expectations.

Has anyone else just given up on trying to look nice and found that once they were no longer perceived to be doing it, no one cared at all?

I don't know what the aibu would be.

YABU - you should always try to look your best even if your best isn't great
YANBU - I stopped trying (or never did) and also noticed less negativity

(Obviously, the people commenting negatively were mostly my mum, men and a couple of female friends over the years).

You can act like a magnet when you have low self esteem - and you go to the familiar, if familiar is a horrible commenting controlling parent then you can seek that out , or not do what a healthy person would do and the first time it happens tell them to fuck off and stop the association. We love the familiar, we are scared of new, it's why women stay in abusive marriages and why a lot of people stay in awful jobs.

I can relate. I think part of it is that I’m more confident without makeup though. I don’t think I look better, but I’m not nervous that people are judging my makeup application, or that it’s faded/smeared/sweated off etc. My plain face is just as it is, nothing to “go wrong”. That probably comes across in my demeanour and mannerisms (not touching my face, worrying about touching my face, glancing at myself in reflections etc).

I read somewhere that it's not that vulnerable people attract arseholes. Arseholes try this crap with everyone, it's just that vulnerable people (as you say) take longer to tell them to fuck off.

Not arguing with you, just adding it because it helped me immensely to stop feeling like I was walking around with a Kick Me sign hanging around my neck.

I know what you mean, I can relate to this too. I've had the same experience of people (men) shouting I'm ugly in the street and other personal insults and, in my case well meaning, family members suggesting I try this and that to fix the flaws they see. There is definitely less of it when I dress in loose androgynous clothes and don't wear make up. I'm not someone who looks better in make up, I look like I'm trying too hard. It's probably a self esteem issue too though and you can build yourself up to feeling happy and confident in yourself. You don't owe anyone a pretty face or a certain look. To me that saying also means, accept what you've got, if you've got a sows ear don't fret around trying to make a silk purse, it's impossible you'll waste your time, accept it's a sows ear and make a durable leather purse instead. Accept yourself as you are without comparing yourself to something unreachable. I've found embracing my unattractive face and body has helped me much more how bad I feel when people say why don't you try concealer, get a good haircut, whiten your teeth, smile and see if your smile distracts from your face. Actually no, I just need to accept this is what I look like and that's fine. My face is healthy, it doesn't hurt, I can see and smell and hear, it's soft and I can feel the sun and wind and rain on my face. I'm somewhat defiantly ugly these days and it's very freeing. I wear wellies on the school run, soft cotton mens t-shirts and don't brush my curly hair. I don't need to ever consider make up or fake tan. I swim regularly and wear shorts in summer and I don't shave my legs, I don't even think twice about it. I don't need to-no-one will be looking at me I can just side-step all that fuss. It's ok to step off the band wagon and be just comfortable in yourself, without oweing anyone else a particular standard or look.

What are you waffling on about?

I think we are wildly agreeing, it can be a bit of both - but yes it could seem like victim blaming ie you made them come to you, I didn't mean that. What could be a 10 year awful controlling marriage for one person would be (for a person with healthy boundaries) a story of how they went on one date with a real wanker who was horrible and they told him to sod off.

Yup. I got horrendously bullied for my appearance through school, and people's eyes would drop in horror and stare at my wonky teeth in horrified fascination until they were straightened. It's amazing how differently people treat you when one aspect of your appearance changes and becomes more conventional... but conformity hasn't really been my strong point, so I gave it up as a bad job. While I'm glad that I grew into my looks eventually (and those who picked on me don't look like anything special anymore), I don't have much interest in my appearance. It is just what I look like.

It really drags you down when people are claiming to be "helpful" by telling you to make more of an effort. Those people aren't worth your time. It's quite liberating when you give up even attempting to meet other people's expectations! As a bonus, I have a job where I don't need to look presentable, either.

In fact, most people do a double-take when they see me in anything except work clothes, and claim that I'm incognito. They'd probably not realise it was me if I wore make-up and a skirt!

You can make a lovely suede purse out of one though.

And you CAN polish a shit, by the way. You just need to freeze it first 😉

My stepmother used to say this of me and my sister when we were teenagers. It's a vile expression and implies that you can't change as well.
I'm sorry you have been affected by this. It's up to you what you wear as long as you are clean and presentable.

If none of these are your prefered style, can I ask what is?

I say this to patients sometimes, usually ones who tell me they want tooth bleaching when they have a mouth full of decay