To let ExDP take DS out for his birthday?

[hermingw]

DS is turning 8, he’s an only child.

Just over two months ago ExDP decided that after a tantrum from DS he no longer wants to see him. Sent me a text saying “I’m not seeing DS anymore, I’ve had enough”.

ExDP lives with his parents, who have been having him 1-2 night per week for the last month as I think they secretly feel bad. So, DS has seen his dad a few times in passing.

Last week, he played hide and seek with him for a while and then announced he was going for dinner at his girlfriend’s house and never returned.

The whole thing has, understandably, been upsetting and confusing for DS.

DS’ birthday is on Monday, ExDP has asked if he can take him out on Sunday. My initial reaction was to say absolutely yes, but now I’m wondering should I say no?

I know he has no intention of any consistent pattern of contact, will it be too confusing/unfair for DS? Should I say yes, if he’s willing to commit to a consistent pattern?

I don’t know what’s for the best.

What does your DS think? He may have been upset enough by his dad's actions to not want to see him.

Does he pay CMS?

This all sounds very ad hoc and unsettling with no routine for your child

Yes he does.

I agree.

According to CMS calculation? Or private agreement?

I would imagine he’s very sporadic with payment?

£7 a week?

He pays his fair share. But only after being threatened with legal action.

What he pays has nothing to do with contact.
I would allow your child a birthday treat yes. I assume your ex only tantrumed to you, not your son.

I'd be careful his dps aren't keeping tabs on the unsupervised access to your dc...
Gps don't have rights but regular unsupervised access can see them seeking legal advice about proper legal access. Whether or not you agree!
Yes I would give your ex the opportunity to see ds
.

Agreed

but it will just be another layer of no doubt a crappy flakey father

I mean, as long as there’s no issue for safety, I think you just have to take it at face value
There’s never gonna be any great commitment but just the occasional bit of contact and to be honest if he’s brought up with that as a norm does not really get to be any great disappointment in that

The child had the tantrum , that’s why the ‘father’ said he didn’t want to see him.

Tell him you want proper 50/50 co-parenting and does he prefer one week on one off, or every three days?

You won’t see him for dust, until he gets a new girlfriend who asks why he’s a deadbeat and he pretends he wants to parent for a few weeks.

Sorry, I should have said that prior to this he was having DS for three nights per week.

For how long for was this?
does your DS like going to his?

Your poor boy, his own father has had enough?
Are you saying that GP have had DS to stay over and that Ex is ignoring him when he is there? That he has made no effort to sort this out?
I'm not sure I would trust him around DS, who knows what he might say or do. Could you suggest you do a birthday celebration together, including the GP too?

He sounds like an useless Dad but I would say yes to this as long as DS wants to go

Can you subtly ask your son what he would like to do? If you want to do something nice on Sunday (as Monday is a school day) and son wants to do that, tell your ex what you are doing and invite him?

If he did not want to see his son and now has decided he does, I would pause on making any decisions. He needs to be all in it all out. Consistency is key here. Any time your son misbehaves, is he going to chuck him away again, as he, THE ADULT, cannot regulate his emotions?

I think you should say yes but try to keep DS' expectations low and be vague about whether he will see his dad when visiting his grandparents. No wonder the 8 year old has tantrums when the adult is inconsistent.

I think you should say yes and also ask about regular contact. 3 days a week seems too much for him to cope with (not great but it does seem to be the case) so maybe reduce the contact but I’m a big fan of routines and consistency.

I would say yes but start a conversation about building regular contact going forward and making it clear he cannot just come in and out of DS's life when it suits.

I find it appalling that a parent can effectively disown their young child because they had a tantrum. What a pathetic man-child this man is. Is he normally so immature and petulant?

If your son wants to see him, fine. If not, your ex can do one.

Ds is old enough to have an opinion, I would ask him

Hmmmm, our experience of this over many many years, was their Dad would pull very similar stunts where he 'couldn't tolerate' some very insignificant aspect of actual parenting. He'd use this as an excuse to go awol, give himself proper, unhindered time to start a new relationship, then pop back up again wanting to be Dad of the Year. He'd ask to take them out for the afternoon to impress some new GF, who was probably trying to gauge what kind of parent / man he was and why he wasn't seeing his kids every other weekend etc. She'd be introduced that day. Fast forward a few months, and he'd then want them to stay over (at her house,obvs, that he'd cocklodged his way into)...which would invariably be far more with the new GF than him actually spending any quality time with them himself.Then they'd split. And the cycle continued. I used to ask the kids if they wanted to see him - and of course they did. Sometimes I'd go along too, often when the gap had been a year or so since he last saw them, always in the hope that we could build up to some regular contact. But the endless cycle of erratic behaviour, let downs and disappointment caused real damage to my kids. It's the one thing in life I'd have handled very differently, hindsight being what it is.