To let ExDP take DS out for his birthday?

[hermingw]

DS is turning 8, he’s an only child.

Just over two months ago ExDP decided that after a tantrum from DS he no longer wants to see him. Sent me a text saying “I’m not seeing DS anymore, I’ve had enough”.

ExDP lives with his parents, who have been having him 1-2 night per week for the last month as I think they secretly feel bad. So, DS has seen his dad a few times in passing.

Last week, he played hide and seek with him for a while and then announced he was going for dinner at his girlfriend’s house and never returned.

The whole thing has, understandably, been upsetting and confusing for DS.

DS’ birthday is on Monday, ExDP has asked if he can take him out on Sunday. My initial reaction was to say absolutely yes, but now I’m wondering should I say no?

I know he has no intention of any consistent pattern of contact, will it be too confusing/unfair for DS? Should I say yes, if he’s willing to commit to a consistent pattern?

I don’t know what’s for the best.

OK so firstly, this is actually emotionally abusive for your son. To tell him that he's going to see him one minute, play hide and seek, act like a great dad etc., and then the next minute "I'm not seeing him anymore, I've had enough" as a reaction to his normal 8 year old behaviour - that's abusive. Black and white. Plain and simple.

It doesn't make the situation simple, but I want to lay that on the table. Let's call it what it is.

But I get that it's complicated. Your son wants a relationship with him, and there's no way to force dad to behave like a decent parent. He likely has little to no insight into what he's actually doing wrong here or what a good parent looks like. But your son will crave that contact and if you don't give it to him, you become the bad guy withholding a relationship with his dad.

I have a close friend in a similar situation to this with a shit dad. She let them maintain contact and hasn't really intervened apart from when it became actually dangerous (i.e. he left them on their own in the car for 2 hours whilst he went to the pub). The kids are getting older now and starting to understand what is going on and making their own decisions about seeing him or not (currently the older one doesn't, the younger one does).

It's just a crap situation all round OP. I don't know quite how I'd manage it and I don't think there's really a right way. I think I'd ultimately say yes but not before a conversation with him about what he did and the impact his behaviour is having on your son, and how your son will take to heart everything he says, so he should not say things like "I've had enough, I'm not seeing him" unless he actually means that - and next time he says that - you won't be allowing contact.

It might go in one ear and out the other. But you have to try.

Do you currently have full custody/ has this been through the courts at all? That obviously makes a difference in terms of the power you actually have here, too.

Stay strong x

Also OP, even if you do continue to allow contact, start keeping a diary of his behaviour. Make a note every time something like this happens.

Date, what was said, how he behaved, how your son responded.

If things ever do escalate, you will have that record as evidence.

You might never need it, but just start to quietly note it.

I would think positive.
I would encourage your son having a birthday visit with his father.

Make up a list for ex of helpful ideas to prevent DS having a tantrum. And suggestions about how to react and cope with a tantruming 8 year old.

Parents help each other out if they are together. Tantrums are hard work. ...

Predictable bedtimes, low sugar intake etc. And find published modern reading matter about parenting calm, polite, confident children.

I’d say no. If he abandons him because he’s had enough, why does he want to take him out on his birthday? What will he do if your son is upset while they’re out?
Until he can behave like a proper father on a day to day basis, no swooping in to offer birthday treats that are undoubtably to show his girlfriend what an excellent father he is.
You can give your son a day out yourself.

8 year old CHILD has a tantrum so the ADULT throws an even bigger tantrum and dumps his child for a woman.
No do not let him take him he is already abandoning the poor child.