To not know how to deal with self harming?

[LongGinShortTonic]

My eldest daughter is in year 9. She loves her school, has a strong group of friends. Doing well academically. She’s ND, but very high functioning.

She has had problems with one girl for a year. It’s been slowly escalating. Last week this girl spat at her, pulled her hair and called her names. Teased her about a specific physical issue she has. I know this girl has had run ins with several other pupils.

I emailed school to flag what had happened with DD. I’ve had no response. Tonight DD messaged me and asked me to come up to her room. We snuggled up together on her bed at her request. She showed me several cuts on her arm. She’d done it.

I was calm and cuddled her and she was worried I’d be mad. I said no, I was concerned, was she happy to talk to me and she nodded. She’s sad. She’s sad about this girl and that she’s being so mean and horrible to her. There’s nothing anyone can do, there’s no point telling school apparently.

i said there’s plenty that can be done, that I was proud of her for telling me and that it couldn’t have been easy. I asked if she wanted to talk to a counsellor or someone independent but she wants to just talk to me and her dad. I didn’t ask her to promise to not do it again, but that I know it can become habitual so if she wants to do it again, came and find me and whatever I’m doing I’ll stop and be with her.

where do I go from here? Am i overreacting to demand a meeting with school? (Am away with work tomorrow) I was bullied badly at school and I want to protect my child so much it hurts.

I’ve already said to her let’s find a healthier way to deal with this stress and she’s asked to join the gym to work out with me. I’ve made her favourite dinner and we’ve played cards tonight.

I’d be grateful for any suggestions. This girl is on the school bus, in the short term I can take her to and from school a few times a week to minimise her exposure whilst travelling. Any other ideas very welcome. I’ve never had to deal with this before and my parents never dealt with me being bullied. I don’t want that for her.

You march down the school and demand a meeting with the head of year. This needs stopping immediately.

Get your daughter to download the app called Calm Harm - it’s free . It can help her to manage the urges

I am far from backwards coming forwards, I’ll do whatever it takes - I just didn’t know what it was that was appropriate

You sound like an amazing mum and are doing all the right things x

I just want to say you sound like a fantastic mom and although seeing your child go through this must be very distressing you handled it amazingly. I hope things ease up for your DD and the school deal with this bully appropriately

You sound fabulous - the fact she came to you about having cut herself shows how much she trusts you. Go kick arse at the school.

Make an appointment with the head of year. Discuss what youve written n here. I'm ahead of year, I wouldn't tolerate this bullying. If nothing changes consider a different school.
Self harming is really serious. Poor girl.

Thank you both, that’s made me tear up.

She’s overcome so much, she is amazing. The thought that this pipsqeak, who is literally half her size, is having this affect on my DD makes me burn with the fire of a thousand suns. If I could take direct action I would, but that’s not the right thing to do.

But, I said to her, when they go low, we go high. I’ve said we’ll watch Michelle Obama’s Becoming this weekend. And possibly take a boxercise class 😆

Head of Year it is. Thank you. Thank you.

You are doing amazingly well. Self-harming is so secretive, and it is a testament to the relationship you've built with your daughter that she feels safe enough to share this most personal of things that she may not be even to explain. Your calm, empathic response (even if you didn't feel calm inside) is just what she needed. Parenting is a marathon and not a sprint, right? You have told her: i am with you for the long-haul. I am here for you, We will work this out together.

Well done, mum.

Yes, definitely go into school. They need to be aware this is happening so they can monitor and hopefully intervene or sanction.

Please tell your daughter she is infinitely better than this girl, who is not worth her wasting her precious time getting upset about.

Please be careful of phrasing like 'not worth getting upset about', especially as DD is ND - my mum used to say that about my bullies and I (also ND) interpreted it as 'it's a little thing, you shouldn't be upset / you're making a fuss about nothing' and stopped telling anyone what was going on for a long time.

Just wanted to say you sound like a lovely mum and you've handled it really well. Sending hugs to you both 🫂

You are amazing. Just from how your daughter trusts you. What a fantastically great job you've already done. You are her safe place, for sure

Speak to head of year and if nothing, you get her a better school situation. She deserves it xxx

I feel like there are two main groups of self harmers - people who do it because they want help and people who do it because it helps them. Your daughter has told you what's happened so I think she's in the first group. Reward her trust in you and help her to heal by getting her the help she is asking for.

I've (shamefully) been a self harmer for more than 30 years. It's my defaultvway of handling anuthing stressful or upsetting. As an adult it's obviously not something I'd ever show (or even talk about) to anyone else. But as a child I wish I'd had a parent like you that I could have gone to.

You are doing well to plan activities with your DD. The less time she spends alone the less time she has to SH. You could also ask her to make a list of plus points and minus points of SH. You can point out some minus points if you can and ask her what might be an alternative response to being bullied.

Just to say you’re being the person your daughter can trust with her fears & sadness & vulnerability.

That speaks so well to your relationship: you’re both very lucky & I think you’re a terrific mother.

mine was the same at y9/10. High functioning, ND and socially awkward so easy target. I was so shocked at the SH which was accompanied with an eating disorder. I talked a lot with my DD, got her counselling, kept her close. She wasn’t being actively bullied like yours but there were some mean girls who weren’t nice. And she was at a competitive school. It was all too much. I just took off all the pressures, kept her close, and it was a very slow but successful recovery. She still has anxiety and controls food now and then but no SH.

please meet your HOY and ensure they take action. Bullies grow bolder with no one acts!

Thank you all so much. I’m really touched. It’s been one heck of a ride and it certainly is a marathon not a sprint!

Woken up worrying. Really appreciate the tips. I did ask her about food and how she felt about it, and she was like MUMMY! I love food, don’t be silly. I haven’t seen any signs of that being an issue.

She does like being on her own, and I had noticed her sloping off a bit more than normal, she’s an avid reader and I thought she was just getting stuck into a new series. I have said to her she needs to be downstairs more, more present with us all and we enjoy her company. She has agreed to try.

The school are normally very good about dealing with any issues and she is generally very happy there.

@miniaturepixieonacid thank you for sharing, I’m sorry you’ve gone through that. I too feel that this is a cry for help, and she’s in the first group. I did ask if it had helped and she said not really.

App. List. Head of year. Any ideas on what I’m asking for in terms of action much appreciated.

This! I am a family support worker and would tell a parent to do exactly what you did- empathy but with concern, support to find healthier ways to manage stress, and acknowledging your daughter doing well for opening up to you.

@AdidasBadidas my goodness, your poor DD, glad she’s on the road to recovery. Yes, I will keep her close, at the moment I don’t want to let her out of my sight!

I have to be on a train to London first thing, and I need to tell her Dad. We’re divorced and I didn’t manage to speak to him last night, but she has asked me to tell him.

Sorry to hear that....I used to self harm as a teen in similar situations but then replaced it with other things when i felt that way, firstly smoking (til about 13 years ago when i met my partner and then had a baby) then sinking a bar/bag of chocolate (that one has stuck still!) Both not that healthy especially the smoking, but much healthier than the self harm.Would that be an option for you?

We have a meeting with the Pastoral Lead and the assistant head tomorrow morning.

I’m drawing up a list of what to ask for, and what to cover. My priority is her safety, and whilst I’d like a nice dose of retribution against the girl who is bullying her, that’s not my focus.

I’m an ex smoker too - we all have our ways of coping! I did have a couple of glasses of wine last night once the DDs had gone to bed.

ex DH very shocked, very supportive, coming with me to the meeting tomorrow. Both he and my DP are happy to help with the additional school runs to remove her from the bus, switch up the routine and hopefully reduce her exposure to this girl.

Glad it feels like something is happening and you have a plan. You guys are just great parents, it oozes from your posts. Wishing your DD all the healing and happiness I can x

Great that the 3 of you can work together on the transport. Not something we always see, so kudos to all of you for putting her first. And that she trusts you enough to tell you. You're doing a great job. I hope the school are helpful tomorrow.