To not know how to deal with self harming?

[LongGinShortTonic]

My eldest daughter is in year 9. She loves her school, has a strong group of friends. Doing well academically. She’s ND, but very high functioning.

She has had problems with one girl for a year. It’s been slowly escalating. Last week this girl spat at her, pulled her hair and called her names. Teased her about a specific physical issue she has. I know this girl has had run ins with several other pupils.

I emailed school to flag what had happened with DD. I’ve had no response. Tonight DD messaged me and asked me to come up to her room. We snuggled up together on her bed at her request. She showed me several cuts on her arm. She’d done it.

I was calm and cuddled her and she was worried I’d be mad. I said no, I was concerned, was she happy to talk to me and she nodded. She’s sad. She’s sad about this girl and that she’s being so mean and horrible to her. There’s nothing anyone can do, there’s no point telling school apparently.

i said there’s plenty that can be done, that I was proud of her for telling me and that it couldn’t have been easy. I asked if she wanted to talk to a counsellor or someone independent but she wants to just talk to me and her dad. I didn’t ask her to promise to not do it again, but that I know it can become habitual so if she wants to do it again, came and find me and whatever I’m doing I’ll stop and be with her.

where do I go from here? Am i overreacting to demand a meeting with school? (Am away with work tomorrow) I was bullied badly at school and I want to protect my child so much it hurts.

I’ve already said to her let’s find a healthier way to deal with this stress and she’s asked to join the gym to work out with me. I’ve made her favourite dinner and we’ve played cards tonight.

I’d be grateful for any suggestions. This girl is on the school bus, in the short term I can take her to and from school a few times a week to minimise her exposure whilst travelling. Any other ideas very welcome. I’ve never had to deal with this before and my parents never dealt with me being bullied. I don’t want that for her.

As per other pp’s you’re doing a great job and it’s really helpful she’s opened up to you. Calm Harm app is good as well as Silver Cloud online plus check out the advice here - https://www.nspcc.org.uk/advice-for-families/self-harm/
With school you need to be asking for a written risk assessment and a safety plan so there are agreed actions she can take if she’s upset or bullied in school time, and ideally a CAMHS referral which they can support. Some schools provide their own counselling but that’s area dependent.

Practically she’s old enough to know about infection risk and have antiseptic wipes and some bandages she can use to cover up and avoid more bullying if other students see her wounds. Bio oil is good once they are healed.

It does get better with the right support even if it’s scary as a parent to start with. Best of luck.

I can’t offer any properly helpful advice because I would lose my shit and put someone’s head through a wall in this situation, but just wanted to say that you sound like an incredible mother and she is very lucky to have you.

School were really supportive, a good conversation and they have already phoned me this afternoon with an update.

They have spoken to DD and she has been open and honest with them. The other girl has been spoken to and has been placed on what they term a 'suspended sentence' and her parents have been called this afternoon. She has been banned from two corridors and from one block at lunchtime so that DD has a safe space to go to. They can organise counselling if we want.

I'm speaking to school again on Monday to give them an update after the weekend.

I really appreciate the support, and the messages, thank you all.