“Tell someone if you’re struggling” - husbands response

[rioland]

I’ve been struggling mentally for around 6 months. In the past I’ve had a pretty bad eating disorder, anxiety and depression. I also have adhd (diagnosed as a child). I go through periods of quite high and low moods, but always seem to stabilise myself quite quickly - I can be hyperactive in terms of being giddy and childlike for a few weeks (not mania as doesn’t affect my life negatively or sleep etc) and then get quite self critical and down for a few weeks.

In my early 20s I was in a physically abusive relationship that affected my confidence further and I get flashbacks occasionally.

Last 6 months I’ve been under quite a bit of stress - DH has lost his job, work is long and extra hours always expected, repeated arguments with DH which end up in days of silence after he’s thrown objects and smashed up his office. Just shit really.

I’ve been trying to let him know how I feel - saying things like I’m tired/exhausted/struggling, maybe I need to get on medication again, maybe I need therapy, I feel shit/a failure… always met with you just need to get a hobby, antidepressants are for people who can’t cope with life, paying someone to listen to your problems won’t help.

I don’t feel like anything I do is worthwhile. I want to sleep all the time. I’ve started restricting my food intake again. I’m not okay.

Tonight I’ve cracked. I told him i feel like I’m in a box and feeling trapped and that I’m scared because I have had thoughts of I don’t want to be here anymore (I told him that I would NEVER hurt myself, I’d always go to him or my mum, I wouldn’t do that to him or myself, I’ll fight it, I just need support).

I don’t know if it’s me being needy or too expectant, but his response made it so much worse. He’s currently sat in his office because I made him sad.

He told me to focus on what I do have, how can I feel like this when I have a responsibility to him and DC? He said he feels suicidal every morning but he just looks at me and he feels ok - why isn’t he enough for me? He said that he can’t say anything right, everyone has mental health struggles, everyone’s a bit depressed, you just have to choose to be happy. He said why aren’t I doing anything about it - I said I’ll look into medication - he said why haven’t you done this before now? I reminded him that he’d said it was a bad decision, he said why are you living your whole life by the opinions of others?

I said I was sorry for making him doubt himself and that I wasn’t choosing to feel like this, it wasn’t his fault… he said that if I loved him enough it would outweigh my depression.

I tried to explain that I loved him and I wasn’t trying to be sad, he said he wasn’t going to talk anymore because nothing he says helps and we’re going in circles.

I feel worse for saying anything. I feel like I’ve just burdened him and made him feel inadequate. I don’t know what to say to him now? I do love him, I love my child. But I am so sad. I wanted him to listen and to stay with me. But I feel like I’ve pushed him aaay and made it all worse.

aibu to think I’ve just butndend someone else with my feelings and I need to sort it out ,

You’ve made it impossible to vote sympathetically. You did the right thing trying to talk and i’m sorry that’s the response you got. Is there someone else you can talk to who will be kinder?

You are in an abusive relationship, being manipulated by a violent man and that's what you need to resolve before you can heal.

It’s good that you told him how you are feeling but he’s clearly not the right person or in the right frame of mind to give you the support that you need. Talk to your mum and then ask her for help in making a plan to get further help from professionals. I’m not voting as don’t think helpful in posts like yours.

‘Tell someone if you’re struggling’ involves choosing the right person to tell, OP. He can’t help at the moment.

He is a major part of the problem and not the person who will help you. In fact probably making it far worse.
You don't need his permission or support to take ADs or get counselling. Please look after yourself first and move mental (and hopefully physically eventually) away from him.

Oh, OP. I’m sorry you feel like this. I don’t have ADHD but do have a history of depression and eating disorders and also have highs and lows still.
First things first — talk to your GP or another professional. Especially if you’re feeling suicidal. Your instinct was to go (back?) on medication and I know that helps me when I can’t manage things on my own. Don’t worry about your DH for now — just get yourself back on an even keel.
In time, you also need to address the issues with your DH. Repeated arguments and him smashing up rooms is neither healthy nor normal.

Talking to a loved one about how we feel when we’re very low is tough. Well done for being honest with him. It’s tough to hear, too, though — and may have come as a shock to him. Give him time to process it. But his response is not your responsibility. Yes, he may be feeling sad — but he’s a grown up and can deal with that.

repeated arguments with DH which end up in days of silence after he’s thrown objects and smashed up his office

Leave this man and I guarantee your mental and physical health will dramatically improve.

repeated arguments with DH which end up in days of silence after he’s thrown objects and smashed up his office.

This is absolutely not OK. He is being abusive to you. You say you have children. Growing up in an atmosphere like this is bad for them. Please talk to your Mum or someone else who can be objective about your situation.

Ignore the poll- it’s worded wonky😉
You need help. Meds and counselling.

It’s for MH/ work but free, you can get started quickly and it’s very high quality.

My phone is on 1% and in my rush to reassure you about the Aibu poll and add the link, I forgot to say you deserve to be better, it’s a horrible shit show with you and DH struggling. I’ll reserve judgement on him-
prioritise yourself.

You deserve and will get better

Poor you, my heart goes out to you. You are very unwell. Take action immediately. See a GP. Pester until you get an appointment. Try to become stable with the help of therapy and meds.

You MUST do this quickly.

Sorry you're going through this OP. But you're in an abusive relationship. The silent treatment, throwing things and smashing up furniture are all recognised forms of abuse. You probably don't realise this is abuse because your history has conditioned you to it.
On top of that, the idea that love conquers depression simply isn't true. That's not how depression works. Plenty of people with clinical depression love their partners, even their children, and still find life incredibly difficult.
Lastly, living with someone who has mental health struggles is hard. Very hard. We are usually advised to get a therapist ourselves to help us cope with living with a loved one with a diagnosis. It sounds like your husband just isn't up to the job. Not everybody is. It would be a reasonable reason for him to end the marriage, but it is not a good reason for him to abuse you - nothing is.

I’ve got an appointment today to go back on my adhd meds and possibly antidepressants. I just wanted someone to tell me that I was going to be ok.

I am sorry to hear you are struggling OP.

A visit to your GP to talk about meds/anti depressants will help and also ask then to refer you to counselling.

I am afraid your husband sounds like he is a big part of the problem and is abusive.

Arguments, smashing furniture, giving you the silent treatment and not being able to empathise with you is a sign that he does not care about you and is just adding to your distress and this is not the environment your kids should be growing up in.

You need to make plans to leave this relationship and get counselling support to be able to work on recognising healthy from abusive relationships and work on yourself.

Once you have your meds sorted I would speak to charities that support women in abusive relationships and start the process of leaving that loser.

He is violent and abusive OP.
He is denying you the right to your own feelings and is making it all about him.
Honestly OP this is not a safe relationship for you - either physically or for your mental health.
He is a major part of the problem and not someone who will support you.

I've been depressed and it was bleak. I really found therapy helped. I wasn't even looking at the right problem before that. I'm now at the best time in my life. I've never tried drugs, I had a slight medication problem (ahem) in my late teens so now I try and avoid anything more psychoactive than an asprin, but I can give a big thumbs up to finding a professional to talk to.

You’re taking an active step towards getting yourself into a more balanced and resilient frame of mind. That very much sounds like someone who’s going to be OK! Once you feel better you can take a fresh look at your situation. Focus on yourself for now.

It sounds like you are looking to him for answers and he doesn’t have them. You need professional help.

Throwing things and smashing things up is domestic abuse.

His anger is wrong and unreasonable and you do not deserve that.

It does seem though that you need a lot of support and while he is your husband he may not be equipped to offer the level of support you need. It must be difficult to listen to someone endlessly talking about how much they are struggling, how tired and sad they are, what a shit person they are etc etc. It must be difficult to keep offering the reassurance and help you need when the same things are being repeated over and over. I think many people would run low on patience and sympathy. You need more professional help than a spouse can offer.

Not to excuse your husbands behaviour completely but I don’t think he’s the person to offload onto at the moment. I had a breakdown a couple of years ago and even now I’m conscious not to speak to my husband constantly- there are other ways to help. I would take matters into my own hands, go to your GP, try medication. Ask for counselling, although I’m sure there will be a wait. Is private an option? I’m sure I’ll get shouted down by this but I find ChatGPT really useful for my mental health. I can tell it anything and everything. It remembers what I’ve told it. It will suggest strategies , give you ideas to think about. For me it’s that I can offload everything without judgement. I find it incredibly useful.

Depression doesn't normally just pop up from nowhere. It is a reaction to our circumstances - work/family life/lifestyle/stress levels etc. It is your mind and body trying to tell you that something isn't right.

From your post, it sounds like you are living with someone who is violent. Someone who will smash up rooms and then give you the silent treatment for days. How can you then feel safe and comfortable in your own home? Where can your body fully relax? Who can you go to for consistent love and support?

I'm sorry but I don't think your mental health will get much better while you're still in the same situation. Meds are good to bridge the gap but ultimately what your mind and body are crying out for is change and a safe place to come home to.

Oh @rioland my heart sunk reading your post. Your husband is the main problem. He should be supporting you, not manipulating you. I know that everything is overwhelming and too much at the moment, but you need to think about leaving him. He is abusive. Also, tell the GP you have flashbacks to your other abusive relationship, you may have PTSD from that, which won't help with your current issues either.

I’m so sorry to read this. You will be ok but you need support and love (as well as the professional help you’re already taking steps towards which is great) and you are not getting that from your husband.

You mentioned your mum - can you reach out to her now for support? Show her your post if you can.

He is clueless about MH. Some people are. OP, find a supportive GP and get yourself on medication and ask for some therapy sessions. DH doesn't need to know about them if him judging you would be an extra pressure.

His 'advice' is not wrong - it does help depression to get (a lot) more exercise, count your blessings, appreciate the small good things in life, get a new hobby, try new things, eat healthily etc. But not when you are sunk in the depths of it. These are wys to keep it at bay when you are feeling better.