“Tell someone if you’re struggling” - husbands response

[rioland]

I’ve been struggling mentally for around 6 months. In the past I’ve had a pretty bad eating disorder, anxiety and depression. I also have adhd (diagnosed as a child). I go through periods of quite high and low moods, but always seem to stabilise myself quite quickly - I can be hyperactive in terms of being giddy and childlike for a few weeks (not mania as doesn’t affect my life negatively or sleep etc) and then get quite self critical and down for a few weeks.

In my early 20s I was in a physically abusive relationship that affected my confidence further and I get flashbacks occasionally.

Last 6 months I’ve been under quite a bit of stress - DH has lost his job, work is long and extra hours always expected, repeated arguments with DH which end up in days of silence after he’s thrown objects and smashed up his office. Just shit really.

I’ve been trying to let him know how I feel - saying things like I’m tired/exhausted/struggling, maybe I need to get on medication again, maybe I need therapy, I feel shit/a failure… always met with you just need to get a hobby, antidepressants are for people who can’t cope with life, paying someone to listen to your problems won’t help.

I don’t feel like anything I do is worthwhile. I want to sleep all the time. I’ve started restricting my food intake again. I’m not okay.

Tonight I’ve cracked. I told him i feel like I’m in a box and feeling trapped and that I’m scared because I have had thoughts of I don’t want to be here anymore (I told him that I would NEVER hurt myself, I’d always go to him or my mum, I wouldn’t do that to him or myself, I’ll fight it, I just need support).

I don’t know if it’s me being needy or too expectant, but his response made it so much worse. He’s currently sat in his office because I made him sad.

He told me to focus on what I do have, how can I feel like this when I have a responsibility to him and DC? He said he feels suicidal every morning but he just looks at me and he feels ok - why isn’t he enough for me? He said that he can’t say anything right, everyone has mental health struggles, everyone’s a bit depressed, you just have to choose to be happy. He said why aren’t I doing anything about it - I said I’ll look into medication - he said why haven’t you done this before now? I reminded him that he’d said it was a bad decision, he said why are you living your whole life by the opinions of others?

I said I was sorry for making him doubt himself and that I wasn’t choosing to feel like this, it wasn’t his fault… he said that if I loved him enough it would outweigh my depression.

I tried to explain that I loved him and I wasn’t trying to be sad, he said he wasn’t going to talk anymore because nothing he says helps and we’re going in circles.

I feel worse for saying anything. I feel like I’ve just burdened him and made him feel inadequate. I don’t know what to say to him now? I do love him, I love my child. But I am so sad. I wanted him to listen and to stay with me. But I feel like I’ve pushed him aaay and made it all worse.

aibu to think I’ve just butndend someone else with my feelings and I need to sort it out ,

OP, you need to speak with a professional. Someone who understands mental health issues. Your husband is not a mental health expert and is not best placed to help you without additional, professional support.

You poor thing, OP. As per PP’s, you are in an abusive, manipulative relationship. Well done on your self care & going back on your medication.

@rioland Im sorry OP.

I say this with the hope that it helps. I obviously don’t know your husband and can’t presume to know your relationship in one post

You went to him and spoke to him about your struggles and he somehow made the whole thing about him. You shouldn’t need to apologise because you made him feel inadequate - that’s on him.

He clearly doesn’t understand MH. You can’t look at a person that you love and get over it. If it was that simple people wouldn’t need help. I also disagree with the “paying people to hear about your problems won’t help”. CBT is very useful if you are invested in it. It gives you tools to reshape how you think and also identifies dysfunctional patterns. Sometimes awareness is half the battle.

repeated arguments with DH which end up in days of silence after he’s thrown objects and smashed up his office.

You need to tell a safe person. Your husband is abusing you and is NOT a safe person to tell. In fact he will take this information and use it against you to abuse you further. I suspect your mental health will improve dramatically once you have left him. Mine did. Go and speak to your GP, not just about meds but also for help with an abusive relationship.

always met with you just need to get a hobby, antidepressants are for people who can’t cope with life, paying someone to listen to your problems won’t help.

To be quite frank, it sounds like he is projecting his own insecurities.

You're both in a bad spot if he's lost his job.

Those things CAN help, and you shouldn't take his word as gospel because it sounds like he doesn't want to help himself. Don't let yourself get dragged down with him.

Your husband seems to think that everything is about him. Bit shocked by this post.

Listen up - it will be a LOT better once you have tackled your depression. I have had severe depression and anxiety (child SA survivor) and I found it really hard to function in my marriage during the difficult years. My dh is great in many ways but he’s not a therapist, he can’t deal with his own issues let alone mine! And it took me a long time to realise that is not what he’s there for. He can’t fix me or the problems I face. And he can’t be there every time I struggle to pick me, he can’t be my support network. The nature of my MH issues meant that i tended to go over things time and again and never resolved them. Dh found that immensely frustrating. He floundered because he likes to solve problems - he isn’t really an emotionally intelligent person, and he doesn’t really experience the highs and lows of life like I do. For a longtime I felt like i needed more from him, I should be able to expect more from him, and then I was unhappy about that. But somewhere along the way I figured out I had a choice - end the marriage, or accept the man I married for who he is. It was very difficult, but over time I did manage to reduce my need to share all my problems and feelings with him.

I am NOT excusing the behaviour of your dh which seems pretty appalling. if he is violent, that may sadly have to be a deal breaker.

But I do know that continuing to unload your problems on him won’t get you anywhere, you need another better solution. Because your current approach is making YOU feel worse because now on top of all your problems, you got serious relationship issues to deal with

Roughly how old are you, how old is your dc?

it took me 10 years of marriage to get myself through my own problems and find a way to make the marriage work for both me and dh. The next ten years of marriage have been harmonious- I still have problems but now I have my own ways to manage them. I let dh know what’s going on, but I try very hard not to unload on him my mh issues. And vice versa.

Counselling helps me; cbt helps me. Journalling helps me. Having a best friend irl helps me. Being on a continuous mental and physical well-being improvement plan helps me.

A few years ago I was very unwell physically for several months (hospital then housebound) and my dh was amazing - he sorted everything out and took care of me. But I made sure that when I cried I did it on my own, I didn’t lay that at his door. I realise that still it’s the emotional stuff he can’t handle. He is not choosing to reject me - he literally has no clue what to do. I may as well ask him to design a nuclear reactor from scratch.

I love him more than I ever did; we share an understanding of each other’s strengths and weaknesses and we make it work

only you can decide how you want to play it in your own marriage but I would not give up yet

OP, please go see your GP and get on antidepressants/ therapy. Do it tomorrow. Not for you husband, not for anyone - do it for yourself. Medicine will lift up the fog of depression enough to be able to see things better and therapy will allow you to understand the root of your sadness.

And stop discussing your feelings with your husband. He wont be able to help.

Firstly, he doesn't know how - most people who never experienced depression themselves do not understand what it is and what its like. Its all "feeling a bit sad" for them, and something you can control.

Secondly, he is the reason you feel sad, or one of the reasons. You are reaching out to him so he does something about it and shows compassion, love and support you need and deserve - but you might as well beg a wall to show some feelings. Leave him out of it. He wont change, and he clearly sees your pleas as whining and finds it annoying.

Please look after yourself and stop asking other people for permissions. Your husband cant decide whether you should or shouldn't take antidepressants, why the hell you think he has any say in it?

Good luck OP. You will get through it.

This
you need to leave this is not healthy at all.

Maybe I misunderstood, but wasn't it the previous relationship that was violent?

Whilst I'd also be upset by this response of not seemingly being able to support you at all, I can sort of understand it, as a woman struggling a lot with my mental health, I have a relative who is older and also struggling and supporting her is incredibly challenging and I feel I can't. I would seek out professional help.

Some people just don't have the capacity if they're struggling themselves.

An ex from years back had depression but still cheered me up. Ultimately though I had to get help as did he. In a marriage we assume it will be different but we're still two struggling people joined together by a piece of paper ultimately. I'd be upset as it seems cold but men can be like that.

There’s a well known caveat used in mental health: if you think you have depression/anxiety/low self esteem etc first take a look at how many arseholes you’re surrounded by

Oops sorry. Half asleep. He smashes things up.

Arghhhhh. That's horrendous. I hold up my hand as I have done the same under extreme pressure but always alone. That's so scary. After arguments? He needs serious help to cope with losing his job and his poor mental health.

He could be part of the reason you're not well. Did he behave like this at all before losing his job?

You will be ok but please tell the GP everything you wrote in your post so they have a full picture and can help in many ways.

He's not in a position to help you, it sounds like he's REALLY struggling himself and probably needs to see a GP tbh. Someone saying they feel suicidal every morning is not normal.

My experience with people with ADHD fueled depression is they need scaffolding rather than support. He could certainly be a bit kinder to you but I think you probably should look to the professionals. I dont suffer with mental health problems and I found it too much and couldn't give the level of support needed.

Maybe this relationship isn't that good for you or him. You cant meet each others needs. Christ knows what being around the both of you is like for your children.

Go to your GP.