AIBU to worry about my stepchildren's welfare and lack of schooling?

[Namechange20261]

Morning All,

I'm going to make this factual because no one is helping us and I would really like some advice.

I have three step kids- 19, 16 and 12.

.16 Year old is a school avoider. He moved in with us for 6 months where we paid for a private tutor and booked in private candidate GCSEs this summer gone. He missed his little sister too much (the 12 year old) so he went to live back at his mums and she refused to let us take him to them, convinced him that she would re sort them out for this year and said he doesn't need them (he hates school so he was thrilled by this. I had him registered to home school in my Borough and when he moved back I let the new council know- he has now done no school work since he left and is spending his days on Youtube.

. 19 year old finally had enough of mum and has moved in with us- we got him into college and some therapy and he is on the road to getting sorted.

. 12 year old is allowed to stay up until 3am every day and doesn't go to school at all now- we get fines through all the time.

. Social services were called by the school and us, yet nothing is being done.

. Kids come round in raggedy clothes, we have to take them out shopping no exaggeration every weekend. Christmas gifts have been sold by the mum and pawned so we no longer let them take anything back. We had to raise a police complaint the other week as we got the 16 year old something on finance and she sold that to a pawn shop so we had to report her for theft and go and collect it back as it is our property.

. Husband pays £1300 a month to her for the two of them and then we give them money for food or send takeaways to the house because the mother has spent it on drugs for her boyfriend or bought him new things.

. She has lost her UC income for the oldest one when he moved in with us so went and got herself pregnant so she 'doesn't have to work'

. She has advised 16 year old to get his girlfriend pregnant so they can get a flat.

. The 12 year old had 6 months of not wanting to come over because the mother told her I had threatened to attack her! Like really convinced her of this.

The list goes on.

I am not bothered with how she chooses to live but it is having a detrimental effect on the children. They don't know how to behave whilst we are out despite us taking them out every weekend, their language is foul, we have to constantly tell them to remove hoods in shops and restaurants, their general knowledge is shocking where they haven't been at school. The school doesn't seem to do anything, social services and the police are happy the kids are ok because they have been to the house.

When we ask the kids why they haven't said anything they tell us she tells them they will be taken away.

I am so worried for their futures and where they are children obviously not being made to go to school and being allowed to sit on computers all day is a fantastic option for them. It got so bad when they were younger one of them developed an accent from the youtuber they were watching because it's all they did and it took us nearly a year to get them to speak properly.

What did social services say? This is awful

Your husband needs to fight for legal custody. It's the only way because she won't change

They are working with her...the kids are supposed to be having counselling in school...but don't go to school to have it.

They have been utterly rubbish. I cannot tell you how many times we have called them, they speak to the kids and then just say they are offering her support. The mother blocked us from speaking to the school saying there were DV issues (not even slightly true) so we had to go through a massive furore to get that contact back- school have also reported her but 0 is being done.

@Namechange20261 The obvious solution is that the children come to live with you.

Get their bio father to file for full custody, call SS and list all the ways the children are neglected at mum's house. This is awful.

What a terrible mother. Your dh should be fighting for custody. Why isn’t he pushing more? She’s getting far too much from him to support her drug habits

We are doing this at present. Apparently if the 16 year old chooses to stay with mum though they won't award us anything.

We have multiple times. The police have been called to the house, the boyfriend has been arrested- the list goes on and no one is doing anything and the kids are living how they want so social services are just saying they are supporting her...

And a scenario everyone says ‘never happens’ on here. Yet here we are.

Fight for custody if the children want it - they are old enough to ask them. Keep reporting to Social Services.

Stop paying. £1300 is ridiculous - spend them on the children. Pay mum what you need to and not a £ more. Don't buy the children anything expensive that can be sold on.

Of course the 16 yo left. So much easier life for him at his mum and he could leave. Leave it. He will be around then he is ready.

Pay the minimum CMS. She doesn’t spend it on the kids anyway. She’ll not be so keen to keep them then.

So you have a useless dh/DP who's allowed this to go on for how long before deciding it might be time to file for custody?

No, I have a wonderful DH who alongside me is doing all we can to get the kids out of the situation whilst spending all the money we can on doing so without not being able to live ourselves, making multiple phone calls throughout work days. Years trying to get custody to be told by social services that everything is fine and they are supporting the mother. This is a mother problem not a DH problem.

Ask DH not to pay £1300 a month and stop providing the children with expensive items (that can be resold) for a while.

Might change the game.

This is what happened with the eldest. He finally told her no you're not having the Ipad dad bought me. She kicked off told him to get a job or move out. It was only then he realised what we had been saying to him- he couldn't get a job with nothing. He moved in with us thankfully and is now in college and has a part time job, just need the other two to follow suit but at the moment they are getting to have pizza and rubbish to eat every day and sit on their computers so are at the moment quite happy with that.

You still pay mum a lot of money. Don't.

He needs to cut the £1300 child maintenance (do you mean £300??) back to whatever CMS calculate. She’s clearly not spending it on the children. Expensive stuff needs to stay at your house.

The husband should fight for custody for the 12 year old but she might prefer her mum’s house as there aren’t any rules. He should’ve done this years ago especially as he has the money for court!!

We have, and after investigations they still listen to the kids and then say they're fine! We had one piece of evidence we were sure would be taken seriously where she was asking the then 17 year old to source drugs for her via people he knew and they still did nothing. We came off CMS eventually because she kept disputing with CMS that the oldest was living with us- we gave them evidence they still said pay her as we eventually found out she was still claiming Child Benefit for him so we had to report her for that- then it took about 8 months for them to stop her claim so it then showed to CMS he wasn't eligible for payments. My god, it's all been a nightmare. When we did it for the 12 year old she convinced her we would be horrible, she told her I had threatened to attack her so she then told social services she didn't want to come over to us as the mother convinced her she would never see her again.

Omg!!! How is always the man’s fault on Mumsnet??

Literally! If it were that easy we would have already completed it. People just man hating for the sake of it. Ridiculous behaviour x

Don't engage with it but stop paying mum.

This isn't meant as a criticism...

Are you making enough fuss?

Is everyone making enough fuss? Eg you say the school hasnt done anything but they are notifying SS and fines are being issued. So they are doing something. But it isn't working.

When you speak to them, refer to the Keeping Children Safe in Education document and persistent absence from school (you can google KCSIE and persistent absence and it will give you the overview you need). It's a statutory requirement for everyone working in schools to read it every year and sign to say its been read. It must be followed. This is a safeguarding concern and it should be taken seriously. Sometimes schools are very good at the 'in theory' and not so good at the 'in practice'. Unfortunately.

Keep reporting to SS and refer to the same (KCSIE).

SS are overwhelmed and underfunded and, as long as the children are considered to be 'safe' from tangible harm, then they will have greater priorities. But this is obviously detrimental to the children and their long term potential.

Sometimes you (only) have to look like you know what you're talking about and use the correct language to be taken more seriously.

Be the squeaky wheel. Refer and report everything. Don't report and assume you've done enough. Follow up.

My heart goes out to you. I cannot believe what these poor children are going through.
Thank goodness you have the eldest with you and are getting his life back on track.
Unfortunately, I think you have to keep going with report, report, report everything, everywhere you can until this evil woman looses custody of her children. (I have friends in a similar situation and they got there in the end).
Would it be worth contacting your MP for support , as clearly the schools, SS and police are failing in their (safeguarding) duty of care regarding these children. Especially when there is a safe, stable environment for these children to live in.
I really hope you get there x

ETA I'm a teacher and its really frustrating sometimes when parents are only taken seriously when they a) become a pain in the arse for the HT and b) threaten to escalate it.

the schools, SS and police are failing in their (safeguarding) duty of care regarding these children

Tell them this. In writing.

Have you reported to your local M.A.S.H and the fact you’re not happy with current safeguarding of these children? I’m sorry this all sounds very difficult.

Agreed. My daughter refuses school and if they don't see her for 5vdays Simone does a home visit ( the safeguarding lead)
Isn't this happening at your step kids home?