My ex left me when I got pregnant, now he's back and wants to marry me. I still love him, but I'm not sure if I should trust him again.

[Danabr]

Around a month ago, I posted about my pregnancy and how my ex bf left me after finding out about it.

So, a update. He actually came back, but not because I called him or chased him. I didn't contact him at all. I was already okay with raising my kid alone, and I'm financially comfortable, so I wasn't depending on him for anything.

His mom actually reached out to me first, asked about my health and everything, and made it clear that she was going to be there for me and the baby no matter what. I was honestly grateful because at least someone from his side cared. We met at a cafe, and she was really supportive. A few days later, his sister also reached out.

I was pretty close to his family before all this, so seeing them care about me and their grandchild meant a lot. Not once did I ask them for financial support or ask them to bring their son back (the sarcasm lol).

But honestly, it also made me wonder what kind of asshole I fell in love with. This is his child too, his first child, literally growing inside me, and he couldn't even check on me once while his own family was doing it.

Thankfully, I have a really good support system. My mom, dad, brother and sisters have been there for me throughout everything. My mom or one of my sisters usually comes with me to my checkups, and thankfully, both the baby and I are doing well.

Anyway, last week, my ex texted me asking if he could come over to our apartment. The funny thing is, I've been paying the bills for the past two months myself, lol. I said okay, and he showed up with some food and medical supplies I needed.

I was still really angry with him, but I didn't want to create a scene, so I let him talk.

He apologized for the last two months, admitted he was wrong about the wedding, and said he panicked when he found out about the baby and genuinely didn't know what to do. He said he did care about me and the baby, even though his actions definitely didn't show that.

He also knew about the conversations I'd had with his mom and sister, so apparently they'd been talking to him about everything.

He told me he wants to be involved in my life and the baby's life. I told him that if he genuinely wants to be a father, I'm not going to stop him because this is his child too.

But I also made it clear that I can't just jump back into a relationship where I don't feel safe or secure. I still love him, but after the way he handled everything, I don't know if I can trust him again.

I told him that if he wants to be with me, I want us to get married before the baby is born. Not because I need his money or because I can't raise this child alone, but because I don't want to be in a relationship where I have to constantly wonder if he'll disappear again when things get difficult. Otherwise, we're perfectly capable of co-parenting.

Honestly, I expected him to argue or ask for more time, but he didn't even think much about it. He just said okay, he'd marry me.

I told him I needed time to think about everything.

And now I'm confused as hell.

I still love this man. That's the problem. Part of me is happy that he's back and wants to take responsibility, but another part of me keeps remembering how he left me alone for two months during one of the most vulnerable periods of my life.

My family is supportive regardless of what I decide, and I don't need him financially. I can raise my baby on my own if I have to. But I also don't want to make a decision based purely on anger when I still have feelings for him.

So, I genuinely want an outside perspective. Am I making a mistake by even considering marrying him? Should I give him a chance to prove himself first, or is it better to keep things strictly about co parenting?

I would never marry a man who ran out on me when I was pregnant with their baby. Marriage won't change him from the man who runs away when shit gets real and I wouldn't want further ties to him.

I'd continue as you are, co-parent while living apart, see how long he can be responsible and present while doing a step up co-parenting while your baby is tiny.

I understand you want this to work but I would proceed with a lot of caution, and most importantly, slowly. I think asking for marriage is the opposite of what you should have done. A wedding won't fix the damage done to the trust between you. That will take time and evidence of his ongoing remorse and commitment. Anyone can say the words "I do" but it won't mean anything without him demonstrating he actually wants to be part of a family with you.

Start dating again (he shouldn't be moving straight back in), get relationship counselling, and critically, see how he behaves when the baby is born. If he's genuinely there for you and becomes an involved and supportive father, and engages with the counselling, then there might be something to work with.

If marriage is going to be on the cards it should be something you spend the next few years working towards definitely not something you should be rushing now.

I got pregnant after we broke up for context (I'm still searching old post lol, so I can paste the link?

How did you get pregnant when you weren’t together?

Your entire OP doesn’t tell us anything about what HE brings to the table…does he make you happy? Take care of you? Make things just easier in general? Boost your self worth? Does he bring a level of wealth and comfort? Is he dependable?

It doesn’t sound like he has any qualities to make him worthy of your time. I don’t know why you would want a man in your life who left you when you were pregnant, brought you sadness and pain, and now comes back as though he is doing you a favour.

You don’t NEED him in order to live a full life and be a good mum, so now decide whether you WANT him, because that’s all that matters.

Why would you tie yourself to someone who abandoned you?

See how he actually parents, live apart and see if over time his actions build back up trust....and by time I mean years.

People still leave when they are married it's just a hell of a lot harder to legally separate your life from them.

Not sure which country you’re in OP, but if it’s the U.K. (or US I think) he may well be able to get half your assets including savings/pension in case of divorce if you marry. So I wouldn’t marry him in any kind of hurry.
Who owns your home? If it’s yours he might quite fancy half of it…

He sounds like a weak character and a sh*t of the highest order so he is going to need to prove himself to you for a good couple of years I would suggest before you commit.

But if you were already ok to raise the baby on your own I would either carry on alone or just honestly tell him his behaviour was a shock, it will take time to build trust again, let’s start by him coming over a couple of times a week rather than moving back in. He will reflect more on his behaviour and respect you more if you don’t just let him have you back. He needs a period of uncertainty as well I would suggest.

You're not being unreasonable but he is, expecting to dump you pregnant and then come crawling back.

It is too late to stop this immature and irresponsible individual from becoming a father but FFS don't marry him, especially not in haste.

A wedding ring does nothing to prevent the same behaviour carrying on, but it does make getting out of the sorry mess harder for you and closes down other opportunities.

Now if he shows the kind of responsibility, consideration, respect you are looking for and pulls his weight raising the child, you could consider it further down the line, but why tie yourself to this person legally right now who has a recent track record of very undesirable behaviour in a relationship particularly with a baby involved?

What is his financial position? Marriage can provide a certain level of financial security but only if he has anything to bring to the table.
Since he's run off when things got a bit tricky, I would be very wary of letting him back in to your life as a partner without proper time to assess whether he has actually learned from this and will be there for you and your child when you need it. If the news of pregnancy is enough to make him run, what will happen if/when you have a newborn that's not sleeping, or when you are trying to juggle work and childcare etc? Personally, unless there are practical reasons why marriage would be better for you (eg if he owns your home etc) I would not rush to make that commitment to him, knowing his reaction to the pregnancy news, until I'd seen how he supports you as a co-parent.

You sound financially secure OP and I wonder if he just wants to get his feet under your table. Take it slowly and look at his actions as a parent and a partner, not what he says. “Yes I’ll marry you “ and even “I do” are words, not actions.

He has shown you what he does when times get tough. He suits himself and runs off, with zero consideration for you and your child.
Famously there’s plenty of tough times in parenthood and in a marriage.
I would never ever trust him not to do the same again.

He comes from a wealthy family and has a job, so he wants to take full responsibility for our baby and marry me.

We actually had a fight about marriage, and he ghosted me. A few weeks later, I found out I was pregnant, so I called him and told him it was his baby. I made it clear that I wasn't trying to trap him or force him into anything. I was keeping the baby, and I was just letting him know because he had a right to know.

I'm 29, and he's 27. We've been together for 6 years and lived together for 3 years. I've always contributed 50/50 to everything, so this has never been about his money. I can take care of myself and my baby financially. That's not the point here.

Why on earth did you bring marriage into the conversation when you’re not sure you can even trust him?!

So he didnt leave you after finding out. He'd already left you before?
And you told him you dont want to rush back into a relationship, but you told him you want to be married before the baby comes...

The fact that he panicked and ran away before he found out you were pregnant would make me even more determined not to be in any relationship with him but co-parenting.

He's immature and a soggy waffle of a man. He's a fair weather boyfriend and why you would want to marry him is beyond me.

Cuckoo. Wanting to get married before baby comes what do you think it will fix other than cost you a divorce soon

Should you fuck consider marrying someone who ran out on you when you were carrying their child.

Have some self respect.

Yabu to think marriage would stop him from running off again. It wouldn't.

I would think very hard about jumping back into a relationship with him so quickly, let alone marrying him.

I don't blame you for want to be married but I do think you should hold your horses a bit. See how things go for a while first.

This.

My instinct says he's a spineless wassock that will run out on you whenever responsibility or difficulties happen, but he's had time to realise that he no longer has the nice life with the nice flat and presumably his meals cooked and his washing done. If you have covered all the bills since he left without issue, my guess is you are just too useful to him.

Do NOT imagine he will be any more reliable, the next time you need support.

Wait until the baby arrives, see if he actually does his fair share or if he expects you to do all night feeds, dirty nappies, bath & bed times, general care etc. Then decide if you want to tie yourself to him legally.

Speaking from experience, my guess will be not.

I wouldn’t be rushing into anything. He needs to prove that he’s going to be a good dad, then he proves that he’s staying around.
That isn’t going to happen within the next few months.
He’s agreed to marriage because he wants to be back in your life. He should want to marry you without an ultimatum .

He first needs to consistently show that he genuinely loves and cares, both you and the baby. Simply apologising and bringing some medical supplies cannot undo his cowardly actions. You think marriage is the solution to this and that suddenly your relationship is secure. That's not necessarily true. And separating after marriage is another legal hassle.
Take it slow. First get through the pregnancy and start co-parenting. See how that goes. You both have a major life change coming up, don't make hasty decisions in an emotional state.

Don't rush into any decision.

Whatever happens in your relationship you are still your child's parents and will be for the rest of your lives.

Take it slow. Don't jump straight back into an emotional relationship. Always put your child's needs uppermost - but that may preclude being a "couple".

Be absolutely honest with him about your feelings and be cautious about any declarations of Love from him.

Good luck!

Are his family old fashioned and traditional because it sounds like his mum and sister told him "to do the right thing" and standby the mother of his child.

I think you would be crazy to want to marry him now.

He's shown you he runs.

See what he's life as a dad and he does his fair share.

Then why is the money the only thing about my entire comment that you’ve addressed?

I was sending you a nice positive message, intended for you to realise that if you haven’t written anything nice about him in your OP then it probably means he isn’t worth having. Not sure if you read it that way, but it was meant to be about not wasting your time on a man that doesn’t make your life better.