Mother so judgmental on looks.

[Bogglyeyes]

My mother has always been very judgemental on looks, the first way she'll describe someone is either beautiful or ugly, never kind or unkind. She is as shallow as a puddle.

Yesterday I went to visit with my daughter after my daughters football match. My daughter usually wears glasses but wears contact lenses for football now.

As my daughter was showering my mum said, 'ooh .... looks different, where are her glasses?', I replied, 'Shes started wearing contacts for football to stop her glasses getting knocked off, she looks good doesnt she?' She screwed up her face and said ' oh no, they don't suit her at all, she looks much better with her glasses!'
I was ffing fuming, 'they dont suit her at all?! ' it's just her bare face ffs.
I'm used to these kind of comments but she got me sooo mad.
I told her that I hated it when she said stuff like this - commenting on people's looks. She said ' well I didn't say it to her.'

I'm not going to fall out with her, times too short and shes 80 but she got me sooooo mad.
Am I being unreasonable for getting so mad?

You asked her. Stop pushing the conversation to looks.

You are unreasonable because you commented on your DDs looks first knowing what shes like. Also because you're mad about it but are going to tolerate it.

My Mum is the same. Also 80. First thing she said when she saw my DD after she was born was "don't worry her nose won't stay like that". There's absolutely nothing wrong with her nose! She also recently said to me that DD (now 15) is "getting prettier". From anyone else that might sound OK but I know it means she thinks that she isnt pretty!

ive definitely commented on similar threads in the past as my mum was the same. Really badly affected my self esteem.

But she was of an era & background where women had little worth.

What's the alternative? Cutting off her 80 year old mother? She also addressed it with her but spme people just won't change. It doesn't mean you cut them out of your life.

My mum (67) is like this, but also obsessed with weight. I try to ignore it and have empathy as it was the culture they were brought up in and from the older women I know, it hasn't made them happy. A woman's looks were everything, some might argue thats still the case but we're more aware of the impact on mental health now and try to be kinder to ourselves and others.
I wouldn't tolerate stuff being said to my kids tho, you should make sure theyre not exposed to it. Good luck!

A significant number of older women I have met do this.
Weight and looks are the defining factors for them.
It is of course ridiculous as well as rude but I would say a lot of younger women make exactly the same judgements but just don’t voice them openly.
Men have educated us on our value, or lack of, so successfully over the centuries that we do their work for them.

I think commenting on your DD’s looks rather than focusing on the practicalities of contacts for sport in this circumstance was a mistake. You invited your mum to offer her opinion and she did.
However, if my mum endlessly judged people’s looks I would shut her down every time. You are not unreasonable to be angry about it.

You asked her the question and commented on her looks first though 🤔

Knowing what she is like, why even say anything?

I know this isn’t what you’re asking but as someone who has worn glasses for very short sight since 4 years old please don’t make any comments about glasses or contacts at all. I am 46 now and still have horrible memories of being told to take my glasses off for photos because I looked better without them, and on the flip side people telling me how much better I looked / look wearing contacts. Just don’t make any comments about it. I have to wear my glasses again now due to eye issues (after wearing contacts since I was 12) and I absolutely hate myself in them; mainly because of all the comments I endured when I was younger.

You commented on her looks first though 'looks good doesn't she?' you implied the glasses don't suit her and invited a comment about it.

However if my mum or anyone comments on my child's appearance I wouldn't tolerate it.

That was a mean comment and no you didn’t “invite it” like other people are saying- it’s common and general decency to know you don’t insult a child’s natural face in front of them!

Yes, you're right. I knew exactly what she was thinking as soon as she mentioned the ' no glasses'. I am probably to blame for her reaction but it doesn't mean I have to like her reaction.

But you commented on your DD’s looks first, and then you asked her to share her views. Are you annoyed because she disagreed with you?

That said, I have a very religious, thin, immaculate, 90 year old aunt who spends her life commenting on everyone’s looks right to their faces. She stopped doing it to me after she told me I’d put on weight. I told her she was very judgemental for a Christian and it’s not what Jesus would have wanted. When she replied that it was a free country and she could say what she liked I told her I agreed it was a free country and I could also say what I liked and she was making Jesus sad 😁

@Bogglyeyes you lined it up, she knocked it down.

Don’t make it so easy for her next time.

Cracking response @Dandeloosha!

It was probably a mistake speaking to your shallow and judgemental mother about your daughter's physical appearance. She was never going to respond in a kind and supportive way.

Being 80 isn't an excuse as she's always been like this, but I suppose you feel that it is too late for her to change and you don't want bad feeling due to her advanced age.

I would probably have reduced contact with your mother ages ago as she sounds pretty horrible. You still need to protect your daughter from your mum's awful opinions even if you don't want to reduce or cut off contact.

But you said "she looks good doesn'tshe ?" so you also have put onus on your Dds looks, and the conversation progressed you were seeking approval or maybe validation, it is probably embedded in you because of your mum, but you fed it imo.

Your Dd having contacts shouldn't be a reflection on how she looks, she has them so she can see while playing football.

I've voted YABU because you seem just as focused on looks -if someone said to me that DC looked different and it was due to them not having their glasses on, I can't imagine ever saying "don't they look good". Id just say "yes, they are not wearing their glasses because they are doing sport."

My mother is a nasty narcissistic, looks are everything to her. When my youngest dd was born I knew her first thought would go to DDs nose, I was right but I got in there first, I can’t remember my exact words but it went something like

Me “well it was bound to happen at some point”
Her “what?”
Me “The smiths family genes (Her side of the family). I was so lucky oldest took after Dad, 2nd DHs side, poor 3rd ended up with your family nose”.

I could see her fuming she didn’t get to comment on it first and that I dared put down her genes. I think I may have said something about at least she won’t be stuck with it for life at 18 she can get it done if she wants.

NB before anyone piles on, my dd is perfect and it’s never been brought up in front of her, my comments were very much me not allowing my mother to get off by commenting on my DDs appearance. If you know a narcissist you will get it.

Women can be hurtful to each other. To me it is one measure of a good mother. One that doesn’t do that to their daughter. And has a modicum of emotional intelligence.
She was probably like it when she was young and spoke to you in the same manner. Her mother was probably the same to her.
When they get older you somehow notice it more.
All you can do is consciously break the cycle. I don’t know if the root of it is that they feel they can say whatever they want, jealousy or what. But it is horrible. Unsupportive. And poor mothering.
Nothing you can do. She is stuck like it.

My mother is the same but with size/weight. Never an interest in your achievements, just whether you’ve lost or gained weight or, if you wear something new, what size it is.
She also comments freely on other people’s weight and size. It’s irritating.

yabu as you made the first comment.
Btw it’s ‘as deep as a puddle’

Im having some success getting someone in my life whose like this to shut up with grey rocking them with the phrase 'its really sad to me that you always find something negative to say about the way other people look' EVERY TIME. Been doing it a few months now and I reckon ive got them down to a 1/3rd of the usual comments.

She was probably like it when she was young and spoke to you in the same manner.

Very insightful @Monty36.

This is what OP said in her very first paragraph:

"My mother has always been very judgemental on looks"