AIBU to mind my partner sharing our private issues with his ex?

[WednesdaysChildStillSmiles]

Hi all, long time reader, first-time poster here.
I am currently nearly six months pregnant.
I[m quite upset today at something that happened and I would love some perspectives on if I am overreacting.

I am 40 and my partner is 43.
We have been together for 4.5 years and this pregnancy is planned and very much wanted.
I trust him completely and have never had any suspicions that he could be cheating, so this is not about that.

Recently an ex from many years ago got back in touch with him as she was going through a really bad time, including someone dying who my partner had known back in the day.
I did not have a problem with this as I personally am not jealous with exes, I couldn't imagine feeling anything towards any ex of mine as I feel once it's over, it's deader than dead.
He felt bad for her and she really needed someone to talk to and I encouraged him to be kind to her while keeping an appropriate distance.
I have not met this person and do feel terrible for the very sad year she has had.

They have been keeping in touch mostly through text over the last few months on and off, with long periods of silence. Never in person.
Recently, I was quite upset with my partner for mentioning something small to her, when he shared some negative aspect of his life connected to us.
I told him that was crossing a line, to be opening up about personal things with us.
He agreed at the time once I had pointed it out.

She has recently updated with him some good news, and they ended up chatting on the phone which he said "turned into a therapy session".
I enquired if she was still needing to talk about the death, or the other terrible losses she has suffered this year, if that was what he meant by "therapy".
He said well, they both listed their woes.

I asked him what "woes" in his life he was sharing with her, he avoided the question and I had to ask him numerous times. And he eventually told me he had told her something extremely personal and difficult in our relationship.
I was immediately very upset and angry. He straight away went for the strawman of there's no interest between them, etc., which I know and that was not my problem.
I am so hurt and disgusted that he is sharing deeply upsetting things that I think are only for us to talk about (except maybe sometimes his friends who were there since the beginning and know the whole story).
I had no problem with him helping someone through a difficult time but am I being unreasonable to think that he should not be sharing our personal problems with her? "Listing his woes" in a "therapy" session?
I can't imagine sharing personal stuff like that with anyone, never mind a friend of the opposite sex, furthermore an ex!

I understand that people need to talk about things affecting them, but he already has 3 friends to whom he can talk, and meanwhile I have no friends whatsoever and no one to share anything with.
Am I being unreasonable in this case?
Thanks for reading if you got this far.

I would not be happy about that either. He’s crossing a line. From what I understand you have asked once not to share personal details and he’s just ignored it and done it again? I would find it hard to trust him and feel like his relationship is deeper than what you think.

This is how affairs start sorry. Every guy and my ex included start listing their woes and really that’s the door open. You can try and control it but if it’s not innocent, then he’ll just be more secretive I’m afraid.

Without knowing what it was he shared, it's hard to venture an opinion on whether it's appropriate or not. I talk to my close friends about personal and private things, that may include problems in my relationship. I don't think it's overstepping to confide in them. My DH has two close friends from schooldays and I'm sure he confides in them too.

You say you don't have any friends to talk to - could this be part of the problem? We all need people outside of our relationship and it's not healthy to rely on a partner for everything. Having other relationships with friends and family is important too.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all, but like @whippersnapper55 I find it very sad that you don't have a single friend to share your troubles with. I read this so often on here. It's so unhealthy.

I sincerely hope that changes very soon 🙏🏻

He needs to stop talking to her. You’re his wife, pregnant with his baby, your lives are about to change completely and you need to be the best most solid team you can be. He’s being a dick by investing in a relationship with another woman like this, it’s appalling.

She can speak to someone else about her woes and so can he.

It's hard to know if he was unreasonable or not, without knowing what he shared.

I think you have been extremely tolerant about him and this woman getting back in touch with each other.
However he is a married man. It is not his place to give emotional support to his ex. They are obviously becoming increasingly close and disclosing private information in this way tramples on the boundaries of his marriage to you.
I think you really need a conversation with him about his loyalty and his vows to you as his wife and soon to be mother of his child. You should be his priority, not this OW

It’s not a friend, it’s an ex partner.

i was very young when I was pregnant (teens) but I felt very vulnerable in my then relationship and even though you are not a teenager I would guess that being pregnant makes you feel more vulnerable to this behaviour. I think it's very hurtful. Try not to let this spoil your pregnancy.
I think you should try and speak to him that you aren't happy with this and why. and if he chooses not to listen you need to decide how you want to play it
don't let them make you paranoid etc as the last thing you need is this stress.💐

Thanks so much everyone for the input.
Seeing as a few people have asked, I will try to summarise what the topic was, while attempting to keep things anonymous.

Before he and I got together, I had had a fling thing with someone.
I told him about it before we got together (we had known each other for over a year previously) and he had a very bad reaction about it (because we had nearly gotten together before this fling thing, but didn[t due to him pushing me away and putting it off. We actually had not even seen each other in person then.)
Because of this, I minimised the truth about how long it had gone on and how many times I had seen this guy.
I straight up lied, and I know I shouldn[t have.
I fully accept I was wrong for that and unfortunately, I did not come clean until he found out last year it had gone on for longer than I said.

(I must reiterate that it was over before we started. I did keep in contact with this guy for a few months through text because I had completely broken his heart with a sudden ending of things and I felt very bad for him.)

When he found out, he asked me to be completely honest and tell him everything, which I have done to the best of my ability.
He got the backup of my WhatsApp and read through every single message that he been sent during this fling, photos sent and everything.
(Again, this was months before we started.)
Since then, he repeatedly grills me about things that I am still keeping from him that he "knows" I[m lying about since he has seen it in our WhatsApp messages.
I[m not lying anymore, but of course there are details I do not remember.
He does not believe me when I say I don[t remember how many times we did a specific sexual thing, for example, or something I said about the fling guys body.
Honestly I don[t know how I could be expected to remember 5 years later.

(Must add that I was going through an extremely traumatic time at the time. I was in the process of finding out I was losing everything, my apartment, everything I had worked for for years due to fraud committed by an ex. Extremely long messy story. My memory of that whole time is just a mess, I was back and forth to police, lawyer, court, and very sad and scared. I[m shocked by how little I remember of those months overall as usually my memory is very good. I was also drinking a lot to try to cope.)

Anyway, he berates me every now and again about how he can[t trust me because he knows I[m still lying.
He thinks he has the "evidence" but the way he puts 2 and 2 together to make 100 is unnerving. The few things he does tell me he suspects, I have easily been able to point out how that[s not true, not possible, and point out the simple reality.
There are things that he gets convinced of, like that I had two phones and two WhatsApps years ago, which is not true at all. One of our phones at home vibrated in a strange way that sounded like it was in the next room and he suspected me of having a secret phone for ages until it happened again and was clearly his phone.
He is certain that I met up with people off Tinder, again, that never happened.
All this to say he has convinced himself that he can[t trust me.
(Again, I fully accept I was wrong for not coming clean about the fling guy details from the beginning. I have nothing else to hide.)
So he was moaning to this ex of his about the trouble of not being able to regain trust basically and the background of that.

The whole thing devastates me, especially that he still feels this way, so I am very upset to have that dirty laundry aired with her.

That update is emotional abuse @WednesdaysChildStillSmiles. He already has you isolated with no friends and now he has you trapped with a child.

Thanks so much for your comment, Baobhan.
It[s not his fault at all I have no friends.
I worked very hard for years and lost contact with friends (was living in a different country) and then through the whole fraud (and bankruptcy) episode, I became very closed off to people and only had some acquaintances during the last few years but find it hard to open up to people.
I choose to spend the vast majority of my time alone, as I have for years, so it[s definitely not his fault.
( I know I will have to change when I have the baby as socialising is important.)

We both very much wanted this child, so it[s not a case of being trapped by him.

That’s a very big update. The real problem is not your partner sharing inappropriately with his ex, it’s that he is controlling and emotionally abusive.

Abusive controlling men don't target strong, well connected women with little trauma in their lives @WednesdaysChildStillSmiles.

He will continue to punish you as long as you let him. Constantly having to justify yourself for your past. He will make you question your sanity.

He is abusive and it will no doubt get worse once the baby arrives.

He sounds awful, he's always going use what you did to justify whatever it is he wants to do in the future (at the moment, this seems to be with his ex).

Once you got together with him, it should've all been talked over and then forgotten.

I wouldn't trust him as far as I could spit.

@WednesdaysChildStillSmiles kindly, this is abuse. Even if you wanted the child it doesn’t mean it’s not an abusive situation. You haven’t done anything wrong having a relationship before you and him were together. You don’t owe him any details of anything you did before he was your partner. The fact he has somehow convinced you that you do and that you’re in the wrong is very alarming. On top of that he’s speaking with an ex about it. Op- this is an extremely emotionally abusive situation. I would be telling him your past relationship is off limits- you do not owe him any details or explanation. Can you not see that?

i can't believe your update. I am so sorry to read that you are getting this shit.
I can't believe you are pregnant at 40 and being abused like this
Your post has raised my anxiety because you can not see what he is doing to you. you really need to speak to someone at women's aid. this is not good.
it's just classic controlling behaviour.

I'm guessing you are not in the best financial position right now?

personally you need to cut your losses here and get support this is not going to get better and he is going to trap you more and more once the baby arrives.

None of his behaviour is normal or acceptable. This is domestic abuse. Controlling behaviour and emotional abuse.
your relationships before him are absolutely none of his business, and nothing you have to apologise for.
I would contact women’s aid and make a plan to leave before your baby arrives. Abuse is known to worsen in pregnancy and postnatal time.

Let her have him. He is abusing you over this ridiculousness. A previous relationship, what you did and how often is actually none of his fucking business

Just to echo others, please contact Women's Aid for advice, for your sake and that of your baby

I cannot believe what I’ve just read in your update. He is awful, and he is abusive.

He is punishing you for something that happened before you got together, something that is none of his business. You did nothing wrong.

He has then invaded your privacy by reading your private WhatsApp conversations from years ago and uses them against you. Again, those conversations are none of his business and he has no right to break your trust like that.

He is grilling you about the sexual side of the previous relationship and trying to catch you out when you can’t remember every aspect of that relationship.

Now, when you are 6 months pregnant, he is whining to his ex girlfriend about you and telling her personal things about your relationship together despite knowing you aren’t happy with this at all.

He is a nasty, abusive POS. He is trying to grind you down, making you feel like you are an awful person who needs to gain his forgiveness for past wrongs, whilst positioning himself as the morally superior person who will grant forgiveness (or not) based on how much you grovel to him. He wants to control you and he has you stuck now.

Not entirely true. Something like a strong desire to have a child before the possibility is lost due to age is enough of a vulnerability to target without trauma being necessary. The victim may be strong and well-connected but one key vulnerability can expose her.

Other possibilities might be someone regrouping financially after a divorce, someone who is employed by the abuser (creates instant financial enmeshment), or someone who has (ironically) led quite a sheltered life and has had little experience dealing with manipulative personalities. All these things are quite normal vulnerabilities but not traumas and therefore often aren’t recognised explicitly as vulnerabilities.

Abusers typically president themselves as extremely nice, generous and loving in the early stages of a relationship, as well as the “answer” to whatever the victim might be looking for in life. The mask doesn’t start coming off substantially until the victim is somehow “locked in” through financial enmeshment, isolation or children.

Oof! That's a hell of an update! He's massively insecure and controlling. Not good!

His behaviour is what you might expect from a jealous teenager, who is obsessed with the fact that his GF dared to have had a BF before she met him. This is not the behaviour of a well adjusted, emotionally healthy, supportive man in his 40's. It's definitely not the behaviour of a man I would want any of my friends or family to be partnered with.

He is abusive and controlling @WednesdaysChildStillSmiles. He is enjoying seeing you scramble for "facts", while he holds the word "LIAR" over your head. He gets pleasure out of making you feel bad, when you have done nothing wrong. He likes making you question yourself, what sort of person does that? He is not a good man. He is a dangerous man. He will not be a good father, not least because he will be making the child's mother utterly miserable.

I am sorry you're in this situation, but it is within your power to take control back. Get your ducks in a row and plan a life away from him. Both you and the baby will be much happier.

An ex partner who is now a friend.