AIBU to mind my partner sharing our private issues with his ex?

[WednesdaysChildStillSmiles]

Hi all, long time reader, first-time poster here.
I am currently nearly six months pregnant.
I[m quite upset today at something that happened and I would love some perspectives on if I am overreacting.

I am 40 and my partner is 43.
We have been together for 4.5 years and this pregnancy is planned and very much wanted.
I trust him completely and have never had any suspicions that he could be cheating, so this is not about that.

Recently an ex from many years ago got back in touch with him as she was going through a really bad time, including someone dying who my partner had known back in the day.
I did not have a problem with this as I personally am not jealous with exes, I couldn't imagine feeling anything towards any ex of mine as I feel once it's over, it's deader than dead.
He felt bad for her and she really needed someone to talk to and I encouraged him to be kind to her while keeping an appropriate distance.
I have not met this person and do feel terrible for the very sad year she has had.

They have been keeping in touch mostly through text over the last few months on and off, with long periods of silence. Never in person.
Recently, I was quite upset with my partner for mentioning something small to her, when he shared some negative aspect of his life connected to us.
I told him that was crossing a line, to be opening up about personal things with us.
He agreed at the time once I had pointed it out.

She has recently updated with him some good news, and they ended up chatting on the phone which he said "turned into a therapy session".
I enquired if she was still needing to talk about the death, or the other terrible losses she has suffered this year, if that was what he meant by "therapy".
He said well, they both listed their woes.

I asked him what "woes" in his life he was sharing with her, he avoided the question and I had to ask him numerous times. And he eventually told me he had told her something extremely personal and difficult in our relationship.
I was immediately very upset and angry. He straight away went for the strawman of there's no interest between them, etc., which I know and that was not my problem.
I am so hurt and disgusted that he is sharing deeply upsetting things that I think are only for us to talk about (except maybe sometimes his friends who were there since the beginning and know the whole story).
I had no problem with him helping someone through a difficult time but am I being unreasonable to think that he should not be sharing our personal problems with her? "Listing his woes" in a "therapy" session?
I can't imagine sharing personal stuff like that with anyone, never mind a friend of the opposite sex, furthermore an ex!

I understand that people need to talk about things affecting them, but he already has 3 friends to whom he can talk, and meanwhile I have no friends whatsoever and no one to share anything with.
Am I being unreasonable in this case?
Thanks for reading if you got this far.

Read this post again @WednesdaysChildStillSmiles, it's spot on!

You should have ended things when he demanded to see messages of a relationship that ended before you two started.
You handed him a stick to beat you with and he relishes using it any time you get out of line ( in his eyes) he will use this against you forever, and you did nothing wrong. Minimising the fling you were in before him was a kindness, not a deep dastardly lie.

And now, he’s using his ex to keep you in line,reminding you how terrible you are, how he needs therapy because of you. When you’ve done nothing wrong.

Hes a prize cunt.

Thank you everyone for your thoughtful responses.
I need to say that he does not delight in this.
I feel like it[s more of a mental health issue than enjoying controlling someone.
He has constant thoughts about it, obsessive looping thoughts, and thinks the only way to deal with it is to get "the full truth".
What[s very frustrating is he has the whole truth now, but I honestly think I cannot be expected to remember tiny tiny details of something I texted someone in passing, while probably drunk and traumatised due to the happenings at the time, 5 years later. (He does not agree, and says it[s not possible I would forget things like that.)
He does feel that this obsession is destroying his mind, and at times can see reason and understand it[s a simple thing, in the past, and it should be left there.

But then he always goes back to how he doesn[t know who I really am, he can[t ever know me entirely because I[m hiding so much from him.
Very upsetting and saddening as in my opinion, I[ve never been so close with anyone and no one has ever known me so well.

Gently @WednesdaysChildStillSmiles
do not be concerned about his mental health in this. He is abusing you and the only mental health you need to think about is your own.

it is a complete nonsense that he needs any details about your past relationships. You are not Romeo and Juliet in the first flush of love.
He's punishing you for your past and buddying up with his own past to beat you into submission.

You need to see what this total creep is doing and protect yourself and baby from the mental abuse to come. it will not stop here there will be another ex he wants to know about. You will wake up in years to come and have lost years of your life to abuse. and your child's life.

no more excuses contact women's aid. get out.
posters are saying this because they have lived it.

The constant obsessing and claiming it is affecting his mental health is straight out of an abusers manual. Has he told you every detail of his previous relationships and showed you all his messages? He is discussing your private life with a complete stranger and telling you he is doing it.

He will never be satisfied no matter how many tiny details you provide. This is manipulation @WednesdaysChildStillSmiles. It will not stop when you have a baby and it's effect on you will multiply because you will be exhausted. As @CamillaMcCauley said, he has used your desperation to have a baby at 40 to convince you he is a good man. He is not.

You came here because you know, deep down, this is another abusive relationship. It is just abusive in a different way.

I hope you are still working and have financial independence. Maternity leave is when the financial abuse becomes more obvious. If he is the main breadwinner, he will question everything you spend and who you were with for a coffee.

@WednesdaysChildStillSmiles

Have I got this right….he’s given you & continues to give you an excessively hard time over a relationship you had that was all done with BEFORE the 2 of you got together?? WTF?? That’s insane! What an absolute prick!

Why on earth have you stayed with him & decided to bring a child into the dynamic? He treats you like he can’t trust you - with no grounds whatsoever & is now slagging you off to this sudden new best friend that HE has relationship history with?? Madness. Utter madness.

what’s your financial situation? can you get away from him? he sounds awful. i worry for your safety because he’s stuck in a rut in his head that you are a liar.

what happens when you need to be punished for your “lies”.

i know your pg but this guy is staring into the eyes of another woman he used to love and sharing secrets with each other. that’s not healthy.

he will justify it by saying you two timed him and hid it. because he believes it. even though it’s not true. he will use it against you. he will never believe you because he doesn’t want to.

get to womens aid. leave him. hes not balanced and loving. hes bitter and vindictive.

He read through an entire text thread between you and a nan that happened before you even got together?
What kind of crack is this man smoking to think that this is normal.
Id be telling him that he can’t have it both ways he can’t berate you about your ex while keeping in contact with his he has to choose what he wants he can continue to drear on about your passed and cut contact with his ex or he can leave you alone and have her. But either way he isn’t to discus your relationship with her.
What a strange carry on, can’t think of a woman myself that would want to speak to her ex when he’s in a new relationship and starting a family with someone else.
Multiple red flags op.

This doesn’t sound like a healthy situation, and certainly not one to add a child into. Whether you recognise it OP he is behaving in a controlling way. His behaviour with his ex is far worse than anything you’ve done. He is punishing you constantly and trying to gaslight you into feeling like you deserve it.

Not good from him.
If you don't want to split up straight away over this i highly recommend couple's counselling and perhaps individual therapy too (ideally for each of you).
The caveat is though, you have got to be aware that when someone is abusive, counselling won't necesssrily 'fix" anything.
My ex husband was like this. Highly jealous of a boyfriend immediately before him especially as I had told him at the start I still had feelings for my ex. There were instances of him reading my diaries, he got really angry with me about things from before I even mst him
Lomg story short, couple's counselling didn't ultimately work as it doesn't fix abuse (and he was verbslly abusive) But it did massively help to clarify things and also to get over my side of the story, it was obvious that I did love him and was trying my best fir example and that his insecurity and so on was the real problem.
I don't regret the counselling, it was a necessary step in our relationship and helped bring clarity. Later I had to get counselling from WA re emotional abuse and I ended up leaving when our child was one but I knew 100% by then that I was doing the right thing.

You have bigger problems than him talking to an ex about private stuff.
Do you seriously want to be with someone who berates you, ac uses tou of having two phones of being on Tinder etc.
Why would he want to know how many times you did a specific sex thing, how does he even know what you did.
You do know this behaviour is going to escalate.
You are a woman in your 40s, get your shit together and think about the happiness and safety of your baby.

Save time compared to me and get the Women's Aid counselling straight away....

I do know what it's like to feel jealousy over a previous partner, but that only came into play due to actions during our relationship that were somewhat inappropriate. It took a long time to get over, but I took myself to therapy to understand how I was feeling and he was open for me to read any messages but I didn't because that way madness lies.

That he is saying he wants more information and thinks you are holding information back is a huge problem. No-one feels good hearing intimate details of past partners. I suspect the majority are right that his behaviour is abusive, if you want to give him one chance I would suggest telling him that your apologies stop now, that he gets a grip and realises you are together, that he stops therapy sessions with the ex and you both try to move on with respect for each other.

And how would he feel if you got back in touch with this ex to have therapy sessions and list your woes?
it’s complete double standards to be caught up with your relationship history while having an ongoing ‘friendship’ with his ex

OP you have far bigger problems than this woman. Bringing a baby into an already abusive relationship, with no friends for support, is a recipe for disaster. You really need to work on building a support network at least. And at the VERY least your husband needs to get some therapy and if he really ‘isn’t doing it with pleasure’ then he needs to understand the depth of the damage his behaviour is causing (to you and the baby)

The problem with him being in touch with his ex is a red herring, this relationship is not good at all. It is very much controlling behaviour on his part, continually berating you for something which happened before you even got together? I feel claustrophobic for you, you have to see him for what he is, he is an abuser, and he has you exactly where he needs you to be by making you feel that you are remotely to blame for his behaviour. I seriously advise you to get out of this relationship, it will escalate and you have to somehow protect your child from this man

Thanks everyone.
To answer some questions.

We have wanted to start a family for some time, however we had to wait for him to get the all-clear from a life-threatening illness he had.
This obsession thing did start up before we got pregnant, however I had no idea how it would escalate and endure at the time.
He has changed a lot since this obsession took hold and I can see that it really is destroying his mind, as he says.

I don[t have a problem with him looking through photos and texts if it would just put his mind at rest. Unfortunately, it has not wrapped things up and I don[t have proof for what I did and where I was every minute 5 years ago. (Of course).

The Tinder accusation is not current- he doesn[t suspect that I[m on Tinder now.
I was in 2021, just to chat really because I was bored and lonely. I never had any intention of meeting anyone and I did not.

I do work currently, remote from home.

I love him very much and wish this madness would leave his mind, and of course I am very worried about the effect it will have on our child.
I have spoken about this to him and he is also very worried and upset about it.

I have suggested he get therapy and he refuses as he says it will not help.
I am going to push couples therapy now I think, before the baby is born.

Sorry if i missed it but do you live together?

It is bordering into an emotional affair. Completely inappropriate. He needs to shut it down, now!

@WednesdaysChildStillSmilesyou have far bigger problems than him sharing this with his friend.
He is paranoid and abusive and I would get away from this relationship before your baby is born.

You mention couples therapy but this is absolutely not recommended in relationships where abuse and controlling behaviour is present.

Please please reflect on what is going on here and understand that this is a risky time for you and potentially your child too.

He is not the man for you.

couples counselling don't like to get involved with abusive relationships.
This relationship you had before you met him has no reason to affect him whatsoever his behaviour is deflecting onto you his own behaviour during your relationship.

what is your housing and financial position now? are you dependent on him.

I suggest you tell him you have been completely honest about your previous relationships and will not discuss the matter any further. Remove access to your WhatsApp messages. Tell him if he cannot come to terms it, he will have to leave as this is a ‘him’ problem. The relationship took place before you got together and you will pander to his unreasonable attitude no longer. He can get therapy, live with it, leave you, whatever works for him but you are done on the topic and will not tolerate any attempt from him to punish you for this non-crime. You never want to hear about it ever again. If he pushes back, I’d be tempted to suggest maybe I should get in touch with him and pour out my current relationship problems as he seems to find that more acceptable behaviour.
Unfortunately, eventually I’m pretty sure he will have an affair and blame lack of trust in you for his actions so prepare yourself for this eventuality. It won’t be your fault. He is what he accuses you of. All you can do right now is refuse to pander to him and treat his behaviour as the unacceptable abusive treatment that it is and he can pack it in or leave. Those are his choices. Confiding your personal information with ex girlfriends is a continuation of this unreasonable obsession so he stops it or you will end the relationship. His choice.

An ex is the last person you talk to about issues in the current relationship. It can be good to have trust in a relationship, although it's maybe a little naive to not recognise that people usually moan about their Dp with someone they've lining up to have an affair with.

I think in general we’ll end up letting something slip about eg an argument or something bad that happened when chatting so not necessarily a big deal ex or not. I agree with all above though that he was controlling about the person you were with before him

This is abuse. You may not be ready to listen to everybody now, but this is abuse.