AIBU to set limits on my daughter's texts during school?

[furryboots12]

DD is 12 and recently started secondary school. She’s now taking her phone to school like all her peers. She’s a worrier and often texts me during the day. Some days it’s something mundane that’s worrying her like ‘lunch wasn’t great today’ and some days it’s 10+ messages sounding very upset or even depressed. I reassure her and spend the rest of my day worried she’s not ok, then when she gets home its ‘no big deal, I think I was just tired’ and it’s all forgotten about!
These texts are stressing me out and interrupting my workday to the point I’m struggling to get anything done.
If I don’t respond quickly she’ll text ‘helloooo? Are you ignoring me?’ Or ‘pls help me, I don’t know what to do?’
How can I explain to her about texting etiquette and how stressful it is to receive a barrage of texts when I’m at work without making her feel guilty or bottling up her worries?
I love that she wants to talk to me but I wish she would save it for face to face and also be a little bit more resilient and sort some of her minor worries out herself.

It's very difficult. And texting ettiquete is very different between generations. So what seems rude or demanding to you is normal to her.

I'd suggest telling her you aren't able to use your phone all the time while you're working. Then mute her or put your phone on silent. Get her used to not having an immediate response.

It's easy. Tell her that you can't chat during work hours. For both your sakes, put a lock on the phone during school hours. If it is essential, she can go to the school office and they will contact you.

That's what I do with DS.

Surely school bans use of phones during the school day? Ours allows brick phones on the premises but only switched off and in lockers.

I’d tell her that you aren’t responding to texts - she is at school and you are at work. You are not available unless it is an emergency and her thoughts on her lunch are not an emergency. Talk through what she should do if she is worried about something or having a problem - so she could talk to a friend, seek help from the relevant adult in school, write down her thoughts to share with you later, occupy herself with a club at lunchtime or whatever you think might work. I would tell her unless it’s serious enough for a staff member to call you about it it’s not serious enough for you to deal with until after school.

She's 12! You're the parent so act like it.

Tell her that she has no need to use her phone during the school day - I'm surprised the school even allows it to be honest - and that you won't respond to texts from school.

If you're in the UK then mobile phone use in school is prohibited. She should not be using her phone and you should not be responding. To be honest, by responding, you're just indulging her. Schools have pastoral care if needed, although it doesn't really sound like she needs it from her comments when she gets home.
Perhaps remove the phone at night and send her to bed earlier. That will sort her tiredness.
https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/mobile-phones-in-schools/mobile-phones-in-schools

This is why 12 year olds don’t need phones. You need to nip this in the bud. She shouldn’t need to text you 10 times, no wonder you’re stressed.

I’m suprised the school allows this.

It sounds like your daughter is struggling with making friends and feels nervous and alone.

If you are worried about your daughter coping, speak to the school and ask about pastoral support. She needs to learn to go to an adult in school if she has a worry or if there is a big problem. The school will be happy to advise. They can’t do anything if they don’t know about it.

When you see your daughter, tell her no messages during the day and if it’s an emergency, to go to an adult in school.

Most secondary schools have phone use banned at school.

You're the adult here. Sounds like her having the phone is adding to her insecurity. Tell her she is NOT to use her phone during the day.

I'm really surprised too to hear she is on her phone all day. It can't be helping her meet friends and be sociable! I would be asking why the school aren't implementing the new rules that schools should be phone free during the day. I would also not be replying to her texts during the day, harsh as that sounds.

Yanbu she needs to learn to solve minor issues by herself. I wouldn't say she can't text you at all but you definitely need to put boundaries in place about how often she texts you

She should not be texting you from school. Tell her this and tell her you won’t be responding to any texts sent during school hours. It’s non negotiable.

How is she on her phone in the day at school?

Doesn't your daughter's school have strict rules on mobile phones? My son's secondary school have to keep them in their bag, switched off and aren't allowed to use them during the school day. Any student found using their phone, has it taken away, to be collected by a parent and a detention.

You need to nip your daughter texting you in the bud. Her phone stays off during the school day. You tell her that you won't be answering text messages, because you are at work. If she's unwell, she goes to medical and they will contact you.

It sounds as if your daughter is very anxious. It may be worth having a meeting with pastoral care.

This is not healthy.

Also, are you in the UK? Phones are banned in schools now as per UK laws. Different schools implement this prohibition differently but absolutely none would probably allow a child to have her phone out and be texting all day.

My children have to hand their phones in at school now and collect them at the end of the day. School shouldn’t be allowing her to do this

She is at school. Meaning teachers are in loco parentis. If there is an issue i dont know what to do then she needs to talk to her teacher class teacher or form teacher or lunch time supervisor or school nurse/counsellor.
You are not at school. You have handed her to their care and supervision.
schoolwill call you if it is an emergency.
She cannot text you in school hours. Set the boundary.

Why does she have a phone in school? They have been banned!

I mean the link a PP provided literally says “applies to England” at the top of the document! Why is everyone posting that “phones are banned in UK schools” no they aren’t they are banned in English schools. Scottish schools still allow use of them depending on area and school. Mine is allowed their phone at break and lunch and in class if the teacher requests. They are considering a ban but it’s not there yet nationwide at least (some councils have banned). I’m not sure on NI or Wales. Yet again here we are having to explain that England isn’t the UK!

Anyway… OP you do need nip this in bud it’s terrible for your DD and especially for you. It must be so stressful receiving those messages then worrying all day only to find out later she’s been fine. It’s not good for her to be relying on you so heavily in her normal day either. You need to explain that conversations about her day (lunches, smaller issues) need to wait until you are both home and she should only be in touch with you for more serious things or “can I go to X house after school” type situations. Also go through with her exact who in the school she can speak to about the types of things she messages you about if they do need adult input.

Are her school allowing this or is she sneaking her phone out in the toilets? She shouldn’t be texting you at all during the school day.

Tbh if your child is looking to your for reassurance - and you are getting annoyed by that - I would say the problem lies more with you , not her .

You need a script. ‘Sorry it has been hard today, but remember, we’ll talk about it tonight.’
And rinse and repeat. It sounds harsh, but you cannot engage with all of this during the working day. To continue texting back is to enable it.

Nope, not true. It’s pandering parents who are causing all sorts of issues with their children’s resilience and mental health. We cannot wade in and rescue them from every scenario.

Tell her you won't be replying during work hours, and if she's genuinely ill or has an emergency she needs to go speak to the office (or her form tutor or whatever the arrangemsnt the school has for contacting parents is), who can contact you if needed.

Then don't reply.
If she keeps doing it, consider either 'bricking' her phone during schools hours (parental controls to stop it being usable) or she has to leave phone at home.
If she keeps doing it she looses her phone.

You could also pair this with some resilience training at home and in local community - stuff like making her ask for help in places (shops, library, on public transport), getting her to run errands for you where she may have to speak to people, problem solving when something goes wrong. Plus a bit of regular quality time to physically talk through problems she's having after they first come up.

No the problem lies with the op feeding it, the child needs to be told what is appropriate, feeding needy children does nothing to help them it just creates needy adults

100% this. Couldn't have said it better myself.