AIBU to set limits on my daughter's texts during school?

[furryboots12]

DD is 12 and recently started secondary school. She’s now taking her phone to school like all her peers. She’s a worrier and often texts me during the day. Some days it’s something mundane that’s worrying her like ‘lunch wasn’t great today’ and some days it’s 10+ messages sounding very upset or even depressed. I reassure her and spend the rest of my day worried she’s not ok, then when she gets home its ‘no big deal, I think I was just tired’ and it’s all forgotten about!
These texts are stressing me out and interrupting my workday to the point I’m struggling to get anything done.
If I don’t respond quickly she’ll text ‘helloooo? Are you ignoring me?’ Or ‘pls help me, I don’t know what to do?’
How can I explain to her about texting etiquette and how stressful it is to receive a barrage of texts when I’m at work without making her feel guilty or bottling up her worries?
I love that she wants to talk to me but I wish she would save it for face to face and also be a little bit more resilient and sort some of her minor worries out herself.

I have the same issue with my daughter, with the added issue that she has been bullied badly.

She texts between classes and then at lunch and break, some days it’s constant. I felt awful cause I know she is just lonely but for my own sanity I had to tell her I couldn’t answer when I was at work and that I would get into trouble for being on my phone so much. It’s not actually true but the constant worry about her was really preventing me from working!

i turn my phone to silent and don’t look at her messages during the school day. She still messages but she knows I will not reply. I wish my school would ban phones entirely.

As a therapist I’d look at introducing “worry time” all the things that have bothered her during the day tell her to leave to one side and she can come back to them after school (but not right before bed) and see if they were still bothering her, then before bed she can think of one thing she enjoyed or felt achieving or found funny / enjoyed about the day, and anything she is looking forward to.
by delaying her worries make will notice they don’t often matter later on (which she already is doing by the sounds of it!) she’s just venting to you first.
alternitely if she feels telling you about the worry helps her let go of it - just introduce rules around it - such as that you won’t reply or how does she want you respond (just acknowledge you’ve seen it vs giving advice etc) ideally she could just keep texting you but there’s and agreement that if she actually wants you to help or reply there’s a word or sentence she can use, otherwise it’s just a good way of venting and getting the worry out of her head xx
www.nhs.uk/every-mind-matters/mental-wellbeing-tips/self-help-cbt-techniques/tackling-your-worries/

Whilst she's allowed to take her phone to school most schools don't actually allow the kids to use them in school. I have a child in year 8 and they have to switch phones off and leave them in their bags. If they are caught using them the phone is confiscated and parents are contacted to collect them rather than handing them back to the kids. I get that teachers will allow kids to use them in an urgent situation like if the kids are ill and they want to contact a parent to check it's ok for the child to be sent home. But for her to be constantly messaging you with pointless stuff throughout the school day that you physically aren't there to deal with tells me that she's either popping off to the toilets to message you or the teachers clearly aren't watching the kids carefully enough for them to be sending a sneaky text in class. You also need to drive the message to her that you will not entertain or facilitate her wasting her lesson time using her phone other than for a real actual emergency that absolutely needs your attention. If her lunch is crap tell her she can choose not to eat it and take a packed lunch instead. If she needs other less urgent help she can go to a teacher. She should know at her age that she cannot disrupt her school or your work just to tell you stuff that can wait until she's home and can have an actual conversation face to face.

Sounds like she has no one to talk to in school & she’s reaching out to you rather than sitting looking lost.
have you had a chat about her school day & where she goes at lunchtime? A friends daughter let on everything was fine & she eventually broke down & said she was spending her lunch breaks either sitting in a toilet cubicle or alone on a corridor away from the main break area.
It would be unusual for that amount of messages if she’s busy with friends.

Thanks so much everyone. She’s got a small friend group so she’s not alone at lunch. Phones are not banned here yet but they are only allowed them at lunch and break.
I completely take on board comments about needy kids make needy adults - I’m very anxious and she is just like me; makes a crisis out of every little thing! And I need to let her sort out her own small problems on her own. I’m determined to help her become more resilient and I’m not going to respond to texts in the day time unless it’s an emergency. I’ve spoken to her about what constitutes an emergency and told her the phone is a privilege not a necessity so it can be kept at home if this continues. She seems to have taken this on board so fingers crossed the next unpleasant lunch or stressful class doesn’t lead to a barrage of messages! xx

Use Family Link. Add school time and her phone will shut down during school hours. It's really not hard.

I'd be either setting up her phone to be locked during the day or moving her to a school with a properly enforced phone ban. She needs to build her confidence back without it and without constant contact with you.