To be fed up of a friends boyfriend coming on a work trip

[thirdwheel2026]

Am I unreasonable to be annoyed that they have spent every moment they can with them including ducking out of working dinners, and inviting them along to meals out with the team.

This happened to an old neighbour of ours, everyone on the team hated him and couldn't understand why he was there. Turns out he was an undercover boss in disguise wanting to get a more 'hands on feel' of things and he was so disappointed with the cold welcome he received he sacked the lot of them

My neighbour is still out of work to this day

Well he definitely isn’t an undercover boss, and I haven’t been unpleasant to him but I am annoyed to have picked up the work load

That seems incredibly unfair. They didn’t know he was the boss - they thought he was some random tag along!

It does sound quite an intriguing story, I would love some more details 😂

So speak to your colleague. Say it’s not a holiday, it’s work and they’re not acting professionally. If you don’t feel you are able to do it, raise the issue with your boss.

Nothing is going to change unless you address it.

I'd ask your colleague if she is in a coercive relationship. If her boyfriend trusts her so little that he won't let her go anywhere alone. If she needs help to escape?

When she denies it, tell her that is what it looks like because why else would anyone do anything so completely unprofessional.

Is the moral of this story to be lovely and kind to everyone at all times lest the toad turn out to be a (disproportionately vindictive) prince?

Op, of course yanbu. Very unprofessional, and I’d be resentful of having to make small
talk over multiple meals with someone who was neither a work connection nor a friend when I was away from my own family. PP’s coercive control approach addresses it perfectly.

Tough one for sure. Her non working hours are her free time - she should be able to spend them with whomever she wants to. If she travels a lot for work, or it’s a relatively new relationship, that might explain why (or maybe she goes to some really awesome places and it’s a chance to visit quite cheaply).

He shouldn’t be joining working dinners… BUT I do think work places that have “working” dinners after a full day of work are taking the piss. If you don’t usually work evenings, that is your free time to spend however you want - a one off working meeting isn’t too bad, but this sounds like a regular thing. I’d be checking that these extra hours aren’t putting you below minimum wage… Maybe she’s taking him along as a protest to show she’s fed up of the business taking the piss?

You are best to talk to her and ask if everything is ok as you’ve noticed she seems to bring Jeff to everything now and wanted to check he’s not forcing her to bring him along. If she confirms he’s not, ask her if he has to come on every trip, or could she please not bring him along to anything work related as there may be things you shouldn’t be discussing in the presence of someone who doesn’t work for the company.

Oh yes I agree in that respect but we are paid for until
the evening as we may have to go out for work, or she hasn’t been available and has been with him leaving others to pick up the work

This is a nice measured response

Where’s the manager in all of this?

If you are paid for the evening and expected to go to work dinners then you need to gently raise it with a manager. Her having a holiday shouldn’t be at the expense of your burnout/ over work

Echoing the poster who said about a coercive relationship. We had this in one of our teams, the husband just came along to a conference. He worked for the same organisation but a completely different department. He actually attacked a rep who was talking to his wife too much for his liking.

I used to travel a lot for work based on what I experienced. I wouldnt jump to cohersive relationship.

Ultimately you are a colleague not a boss ao I'd just let her crack on tbh... in terms of workload you need to manage that..

There's a 'team' so clearly not just the pair of you. If theres additional work to ve done you say 'I can do A and B someone else will need to do C.ʻ

Fucking hell!

This sounds a bit annoying. I am really intrigued as to what job you do though! I’ve been racking my brains to think of an industry where you have to go away a lot with the team, are on call at this different location, and then if called upon have to work in the evening/night at this new location! And expected to have your dinner together and not alone, or when you are hungry.

We are working in a different region for a few days and working long days paid to be able to go out to troubleshoot so to speak if needed which is why we should be together, she has either gone out drinking with him or brought him along. It would very much not go down well with management

Trust me it’s all very boring and just to do with setting up a new company

Your neighbour is pulling your leg, there no way this is true.

Erm....management consultancy? I have been the partner brought along on various trips, but I used to wave my husband off to the team dinners and go and eat on my own in the hotel bar. I can't think of anything much more boring than having to eat with a team of colleagues who all know each other and listen to them banging on about work I'm not involved in. I wonder why the boyfriend doesn't do that?

This. Either the poster is on a wind up or is incredibly gullible.

Was that in the UK? Is that legal?

In the past DH has travelled with me when I was undertaking training courses, so we hired a cottage instead of staying in a hotel and he went out walking during the day. However, there were no evening functions and many delegates lived locally and were going home to their family / normal social events. The cottage cost less than the hotel and DH paid his own costs including travel. We were within the T & S rules of the time.

I have also attended a competitive international European study visit. On that trip there were evening dinners and events. One delegate from a Central European country in a relatively poor economic situation brought her fiancé and they appeared to treat it as a funded holiday. He joined special dinners but everyone was welcoming. However, we had a packed schedule and one morning had to meet in the hotel lobby quite early to travel to a meeting with a politician and senior government official. She did not turn up on time so the host went to her room and brought her down quite unceremoniously and dressed her down publicly in front of all the delegates as we had missed the intended public transport.

So is there not a manager in charge of this?

If they don’t have a problem with it then there is little you can do, other than follow colleagues lead - clearly some aspects of the trip and work are optional.

If there’s nobody overseeing what happens then that’s an organisational error. I wouldn’t be stepping up and covering their work.

No it’s meant to be a privilege to be here, we could do nothing and probably it would not happen again or we could to the work and gets new business for the team and other people could have the opportunity to go

The boss isn’t here as they trust us