Would I be unreasonable to stop toddler overnights with dad and nan?

[justhereokay]

I need some outside perspective because I genuinely can’t tell anymore if I’m being nitpicky.

My dd is 20 months and stays overnight at her paternal nans. Her dad has MS and significant mobility difficulties, so I completely understand him needing his mum’s help and have never had an issue with that. He doesn’t stay there overnight himself, so his mum does the overnight care and he comes back the next day. She does most of the physical things.

Over the past 6 months there’s just been a buildup of things: she’s fallen off the sofa and bruised her head after he left her in the living room, come back sunburnt, had her car-seat straps left really loose despite being reminded multiple times, and once came back with a deep scratch on her leg that they couldn’t explain. I said maybe the dog did it by accident ( it looked a lot like a claw mark), but they wouldn’t accept it as a possibility. She’s come back wet through with wee before because her dad said he hadn’t had a chance to change her while they were at the park, and on multiple occasions she’s come home with small amounts poo still on her bum after being changed. She was taken to softplay where she wasnt appropriately dressed ( nappy on full display and bare foot), and once I was sent a video of her running in an open field with cows literally a couple metres away (nan and dad were close to her though). I’ve raised some things before and they’ll be addressed, but then something different seems to happen. Or other times it seems her dad just doesn’t see the problem or risk. When I said about being close to cows he said “ fine I’ll just never take her there again”. And it was a lot of back and forth when I said baby/toddler should not be unsupervised/alone around his dog.

Today his mum actually sent me a video where dd nearly fell backwards off a climbing-frame platform onto the hard floor. She was sitting right on the edge with the drop behind her, started going backwards and managed to grab something and pull herself forward. Her nan was in front of her filming.

I also rang her dad to video call dd assuming he’s with her, but he hadn’t gone over there yet, because he thought she may be napping. I feel he doesn’t take any authority as her dad or understand her routine, double checking safety such as the car seat. I’m not sure if it’s a regular occurrence, missing most of the contact day.

I KNOW toddlers fall, get bruises and accidents happen. Anyone of these things in isolation probably wouldn’t make me change anything. It’s the fact there always seems to be something new, even after I’ve raised previous concerns, and the stays are now causing me a lot of anxiety.

I don’t think another reminder will fix the lack of common sense or situation/risk awareness. I know it’s harsh, but I’m thinking about my child. They both love her, make an effort for her and I have a good relationship with the both of them.

I’m thinking of stopping overnights at nans for now and having a conversation about everything. How do I approach this?

How do you know she had loose car seat straps, and nappy on display at soft play?

I do agree she shouldn’t be left alone with the dog and they should be more aware of risks of falling from climbing frames and sofas etc…

I’d broach this and let the rest go. Coming back in a wet nappy straight from the park isn’t the end of the world. As long as your daughter has had fun and kept safe, this is what matters.

Unless you want a night off and I can understand that as I don’t have that option

ex dh is an alcoholic so I have stopped overnights a can’t be trusted with dd

why don’t you pick up and return next day rather then Nan look after overnight

esp if dad isn’t even there anyway

What's your alternative proposition if they're not doing nights, because most of the issues you raise happened in the daytime so I don't see what difference it make if she stays overnight or not? Is it court ordered contact in which case you probably don't have enough here to stop contact and should tread carefully?

Some of the things you mention are more problematic than others. The dog, sunburn and car straps are issues that need addressing. Everything else is sub optimal but the kind of thing you have to let go of as a coparent.

Also your child won't be a toddler forever, so it might be more helpful to say no overnights until a certain point e.g. school age.

If he goes to court to challenge you then based on what you've said he'd likely get contact reinstated, it's not going to be deemed bad enough in court to justify restrictions on contact.

I have to be honest and say that while it doesn’t sound great it also doesn’t sound terrible.
I think that one of the good things about having two parents is that you get two different styles bringing a child up.
Often a dad is more laid back and does take more risks. (Not always by far).
It must be hard when he is an ex and you don’t have that trust. But my husband, who is an amazing father, regularly let them go higher than I would on a play thing, would go out with them woefully unprepared by my standards (no diaper bag!!!!) and just winged it more etc. They got more bumps with him and spent more time in wet diapers. But they also had more freedom, more fun I suspect, and were less fussed over. I think between us we brought up some well rounded kids.
I think unless you think he is actually neglectful you should focus on tight car seat straps and leave the rest alone. Her having a good relationship with her dad and Nan is priceless.

She’s so young still, if you can manage it I would have them come and visit her at yours at weekends rather than her staying at Nan’s. I agree that added together all these things are worrying, especially if they aren’t taking them seriously.

I think each incident alone would eb ok. Together it suggests neglectful care. Can you go to supervised visits instead, can he come to you? Have you checked she has a safe sleep space etc?

I honestly wouldn't be happy with this either, and I don't think many people would. Wouldn't it be nice if we could leave them with their dad knowing that they're happy, safe, cared for and having a great time.

After a string of "nit picky" things that were not deemed bad enough when I reported my ex to early help (kids and clothes smelling damp, full of holes, ds not having his own bed, cereal and pot noodles for meals), they finally intervened when he went out and left ds home alone.

Because I take her out the car when she is dropped off and I was sent videos of her at soft play.

By no means would I stop contact altogether. That wouldn’t be fair on anybody, even dd.

I just mean the overnights. They would be welcome over here whenever suitable to spend time with her

This is a bit concerning but I don't understand how stopping overnights will help? Most of them happened during the day.

Overnights don't seem to be the issue as a PP said. It's safety during the day. So honestly all you'd end up doing is antagonising everyone.
I would say have a sit down with dad and explain that whilst some of the things in isolation are fine, there is a pattern here of a lack of thoughtfulness when it comes to safety for a small child. Don't mention wet nappies but focus on the major things e g car seat. Frame it as you want DD safe whilst she is with them as you know they would be upset if anything happened to her.

Sounds like an odd punishment, one of the incidents have even happened at night have they? So stopping over nights wouldn’t make your child any safer. I can’t really see any justification for it. She will soon be older and these issues will stop, hopefully he is trying to do better, but it must be very hard parenting with his level of disability, good on him for trying. I’d keep communication open then you can raise vital issues like car seat safety. And then things that don’t matter, like bare feet at nappy visible at soft play… just let it go.

From what I can gather the OP is suggesting what’s effectively supervised contact at her house. I can understand this but I would say no. Too extreme for too little,

I don't know why your replies here are so relaxed about being scratched by a dog, running in a field next to cows or not being strapped into the car properly. Those are serious safety concerns. If your post was "my DD got mauled by a dog/trampled by cows after I ignored these warning signs" you would get vicious replies in the other direction. And being wet/not cleaned properly after having a poo is also a problem.

Is the grandma in good health? Responsive to discussion? The overnights are not actually with her dad so there's no need for it to continue if she's not safe or well looked after. You have worries which sound completely reasonable to discuss and act on depending how the discussion goes.

I have raised things before, as I said. Some stopped and some are continuing.

most of the issues come from his mum, I.e softplay, car seat ( she straps her in but I said to dad you can check it’s tight enough/safe), when he does nappy changes here he does them no issue so it’s likely his mum who isn’t cleaning her fully. And smelly/ black mold in her cup/bottle. The sun burn, she is the one who takes her out. She does most of the childcare, but I have said I know you need support for certain things but as her dad you can make sure things are ok.

She appears responsive and is in fine health and isn’t that old.

This is what I mean, there’s a few more serious concerns so to me the minor things that most of us wouldn’t bat an eyelid over, just highlights the mindset overall.

And it’s also how they responded to the cows and the scratch. They didn’t see an issue with it

Have you spoken to his mum about it or just him? I still don’t see how stopping the sleeping over bit would help, the issues are day time issues

The incidents didn’t happen overnight. Sounds like you want to punish them by taking away overnights.

It sounds careless but neither neglectful nor abusive. It wouldn't be enough to get your children taken off you would it.

Yes I have raised things with her.

he usually comes 2x a week here anyway, and spends most of the day with her. I step in when necessary, he can’t carry her or lift her into highchair etc. But it’s all absolutely fine. I also nip out for the school run, to the shop and he manages ok I have zero concern.

I was thinking of making the overnight stay an extra visit here instead for the day, where his mum can come too.

I agree with everyone else - the overnights aren’t the problem here. And I suspect some of the issues would occur even if you were still together - sometimes nappies leak through or a carer misses a little bit when they wipe, they don’t quite fasten the car seat tight enough and bumps and bruises happen.

Id say you are better off keeping contact open and honest - reminding nicely about car seat straps and even mentioning to the ex if you think his mam needs more support.

Having supervised contact at your house will never work long term - they be upset that you are stopping the child going to theirs and longer term you’ll have another partner or whatever - you’ll not want them in your house.

I think you and others may be misunderstanding. I’m not taking her away from anyone. He sees her here during the week. His mum is welcome to come for a day and spend time with her instead of the overnight at hers.

So you are thinking of stopping all unsupervised contact then?

I wouldn't blame you OP. If it was you being this neglectful you'd be very heavily criticised and these two should know better.

You are being pernickety and fussy. You don’t get to control what your toddler does when she’s with your ex partner. Maybe he thinks you’re overly precious. None of these things above sound particularly unreasonable or terrible.

But here’s the rub. You don’t get to choose the contact pattern. You don’t get to decide what happens. He has equal parental responsibility. And the right to 50% of his time with your child .

if he really is ill with MS, stopping the overnight visit that enables him to safely see his child is simply cruel