To be upset about DSS comment about DH and I

[Friendof]

We were out for lunch as a family, talking about careers / uni / future with DSS 18. When he started saying that he didn’t think it was right that I earn more than DH, that it isn’t right, not how he wants to be in the future, he sees it as the man’s role to be the provider.
He’s never said anything like this in the past and found the comment really worrying. DH and I are a team, it doesn’t matter who earns what just that we like our jobs and can provide well for our family. I know these attitudes exist, but find it upsetting to be coming from DSS. I’m pretty pissed, why isn’t he seeing it as a positive thing?

Probably been following daft Andrew Tate like accounts online

He is young. Wouldn't engage in it.

It depends on his reasoning - did he elaborate as to why he would rather be the primary breadwinner?

Is he deliberately trying to be provocative as he’s angry with you? My line to such nonsense is, crack on and remember to send me the support cheque

I wouldn't worry about this unless DSS has other more unpleasant views of 'what women are for'. He's young. I held all kinds of weird opinions at that age and fortunately grew out of them. Even if DSS keeps to his views, he might end up getting together with a woman who shares them. Some do.

Things like this need to be responded with with cold hard nuclear disgust, he needs to see reasonable people recoil at his views or the issue perpetuates. He's obviously been influenced by the manosphere, it's depressing how many boys and men can turn their respect from female family members to themselves and their perceived masculinity and therefore superior place in the world. It's so sad, and shouldn't be tolerated with calmness.

Why are you upset? He's not having a go at you...he's having a go at his dad and thinks he's useless.

Your DH should be the one to be upset and angry with his son for belittling him...

Unfortunately this might be true. His father should start talking to him about self worth, values and being confident in yourself

Does he have an issue with his dad being 'less than', because he needs to be supported by a woman? Or he's not happy with you for out earning him?

Hes 18, knows nothing about anything! Take absolutely no notice of him.
Hes actually rude and his Dad needs to have a word with him.

Probably because he can't tap his df as much as he'd like.

I assume he knows you earn more because of your job title. I would not be discussing your personal finances. He's trying to wind you up.

I think the comment in itself is sort-of neutral unless he is also exhibiting other unfavourable views about the place of a woman. If he wants to be a provider, that's perfectly ok. Especially since he doesn't actually know what it takes to provide for a family and how much stress it would put on him when it comes to it. He may well change his mind when it comes to actually doing it. Many men have, that's why we have an epidemic of absentee fathers who have to be dragged through courts for CMS.
You have a different view in your family and that's also valid. And this is what I would be talking to him about - all families are different and it's important to find a partner who shares your views and values.

I have actually worked with men like this who have openly said they chose their wives due their wives not wanting a career and wanting to be at home while they worked. They were fine with me in my role and we work fine with each other. They just decided to talk about their personal preferences.
interestingly years in, I see they were made redundant and their wives are now working.
i just think, whatever, people are entitled to their views and if they are both happy then it’s not my circus or monkeys to deal with.
you as can have views, they may well change as he grows, or he might end up sad and lonely, or he might find a partner who subscribes to the same thing as him.
Hes a person in his own right and can have his own views, misguided as they are.
you can debate with him on it if he wants to have the discussion.

I’d clamp down on that sort of sexist nonsense. If he is saying that stuff out loud, imagine what he is thinking inside his head. It needs to be addressed.

It is upsetting when someone close to you shows you they have values or beliefs that clash with your own, so YANBU. The question for you and his father is how you respond to these, since he’s picked them up from somewhere. Probably needs some probing and challenging.

I would be worried too, but not pissed. He is clearly listening to the wrong people but he is still very young and they are so easily influenced. His dad needs to speak to him about equality and what matters in relationships.

There is unfortunately a growing and worrying trend amongst young boys/men where they are working hard to try and erase any growth in independence and the financial value of women's contributions to reset to how things were prior to 1960s. It's completely bonkers and luckily very few young women wants a man like that.

Did you ask why? What did he say?

Was he having a dig at his dad or at you? Am I right in assuming that your high earnings enable a privileged lifestyle that he benefits from? He sounds like a bit of a twat with the sort of views espoused by the Tate brothers and their acolytes.

How did your DH react when his son came out with this nonsense?

His dad must be mortified to see his son being such a dinosaur. Is your higher income benefitting SS? Something to consider.

Sounds like he has found manosphere influences. Your husband should have a talk with him, this can turn into soemthing dangerous.

Did you challenge him on his expectations with future partners? Is he planning to throw away happy relationships if his GF or wife’s income starts to exceed his own? Or is he planning to marry a woman who isn’t going to work - and is his future income going to be able to support the whole family. Does he support his own daughters limiting their own income or only marrying men who have bigger salaries or giving up work rather than being able to support themselves? Does he think it’s “not right” for the millions of families that need dual incomes because wages simply aren’t high enough? His choices but he’s going to significantly narrow his pool of partners with this ridiculous view.

@Friendof It's his dad who should be angry with him. He's the one being emasculated by his son.
Tell him that you hope he finds someone that he loves so much that he won't care about who's earning most- that's a real partnership.

Surely his Dad tackled this in the moment?

His Dad obviously doesn’t hold such red pill views, and presumably hasn’t raised his son to have them either.

What did his dad say?

A kid says somethings dumb, I wouldn’t be jumping to any conclusions. Far to little context to judge. 18 seems a bit old to be provoking for effect but some still do.