To be upset about DSS comment about DH and I

[Friendof]

We were out for lunch as a family, talking about careers / uni / future with DSS 18. When he started saying that he didn’t think it was right that I earn more than DH, that it isn’t right, not how he wants to be in the future, he sees it as the man’s role to be the provider.
He’s never said anything like this in the past and found the comment really worrying. DH and I are a team, it doesn’t matter who earns what just that we like our jobs and can provide well for our family. I know these attitudes exist, but find it upsetting to be coming from DSS. I’m pretty pissed, why isn’t he seeing it as a positive thing?

My reply to this would be, of course - my husband is welcome to make more than me if he chooses.
it’s got nothing to do with me whether my partner makes more than me? I will still earn what I earn.
Unless he’s implying that women should limit themselves to make men look better, in which case I’d be addressing that.
Curiosity first I’d say, to get to the root of the beliefs he’s forming. He’s 18 and is naturally experimenting with finding what he really thinks, in a pretty challenging online environment.

As a woman and first as the main breadwinner and after a dh operation a sole breadwinner, I think your dss is right. I work like a horse and all the responsibility is on me. It is not normal, it is ageing, it is exhausting.

This is your husbands job to have a conversation with him about his outdated and quite frankly insecure attitude. This isn’t something to just look away from.

He's been indoctrinated by Andrew Tate type stuff. Hopefully he'll get over it and meanwhile you and DH can roll your eyes. No point arguing.

Did you and DH challenge him on this?

Did you ask him what he thinks should happen?
Get him to explain it.
Should your salary be decreased below that of all men doing the same job, or below that of your partner regardless of his job? Or should all women's pay be reduced below men’s pay for the same work? Or should men and women stick to completely separate jobs, with women’s roles always paid less?

How does he feel about having a woman as a boss when he starts working? How does he feel about hiring and promoting women above men and giving them raises and salaries equivalent or above men, if he was in the role to make that decision?

This wouldn’t have been a simple comment. I’d be drilling down into it.

Hahaha no it doesn't depend on his reasoning.
There is no reasoning that would make this ok in my book anyway.
It will either be a male ego thing or a 'women should be in a domestic role / focusing on childcare' thing.
If it were more a desire not to feel dependent on another person and to have equality with them, maybe that would be ok (especially if he perceived his own dad to be somehow beholden to the OP in their relationship). Doesn't sound like he was getting at that though. Maybe he was.

We were out for lunch as a family, talking about careers / uni / future with DSS 18.

He's raised the subject at a most propitious time. Now you can whip out the university prospectus' and guide him towards a career in investment banking or law.

If he wants a trad wife type who stays at home looking after him and the kids and who never pursues a career of her own, he'd better be looking to earn ££££ to facilitate that lifestyle.

What are his grades like?

As it is for men who have all the financial responsibilities. It doesn’t change because you’re a woman. And it’s disgusting for you to argue that women should essentially, be paid less and not allowed to rise to any roles above men.

I am in the same situation as you and would like my husband to contribute equally, sadly his health precludes that. But why main breadwinner? Sounds so 1970s. No, he isn´t right.
By the way OP, my husband´s girlfriend before me liked to be kept to the level she had become accustomed. That´s why he dumped her. He wanted an equal partner. Unfortunately his health has meant I went to sole breadwinner, but that was the intention.

He's a kid, they have strong opinions about things they know nothing of.

I'd have laughed and said "well if you want to be the provider you need to learn enough for two adults don't you so you'd best work really really hard"

☝️ Got it in one. Immaturity of youth.

This would really worry me - what sort of man is the growing up to be ?

I hope your husband had a conversation with him - I wonder had his mum noticed any worrying attitudes. If he is willing to say this out loud, what is he actually thinking? How is he treating the women in his life? Does he have a girlfriend? How does he cope when female classmates beat him in tests? Does he have sisters?

i agree you should be concerned - it might be a phase but it might be the start of something g

But leaving this type of attitude unchallenged can also be dangerous. People who grow up
in an echo chamber, who never have their views challenged or questioned, can become entrenched in positions.

I would never ignore such sexist comments from a young man in my family - I would debate, question, challenge.

Why main breadwinner? Because my earning capacity and salary was a lot more than his. We both worked full-time.

No, I mean why do you think DSS is right to think the man should be the main breadwinner. I hope he goes into a job that can finance these views as everything is set up nowadas for two income homes and be grateful you have two incomes irrespective of whose is larger.

YANBU to be upset (although I hope you get over that quickly)
But his opinions have no bearing on the two of you

I wouldn’t ignore. I’d be worried about crap he’s watching online (Andew Tate) why do you think that? What are you doing to ensure you have a good career etc? I’d be wanting dad to spend time with him and have proper conversations.

How did he say it? Fine for him to say he prefers (and he's 18, he will change his mind 100 times) a family set-up where the man is the provider. Not ok to say that different set-ups are "wrong" or expect women to stay at home or take a lesser job.

Plenty of women say that they prefer a set up where the man is the provider. Actually I remember this coming up in (what would now be PSHE) school at around age 15/16. I went to a girls' school and virtually every girl said they wanted to work part time if they had children. Spoiler - of the ones I am still in touch with they do not all work part time and they do not all have children.

18yos know everything.
Didn't you learn that yet?🙄
Being the "little woman" is your place and your DH should be earning stratospheric amounts because he has testicles...

He's been "Tated" I'm sorry to say.

You can either set him straight, or ignore his childishness.

Pity the poor girl that ends up stuck with him.

Your DSS is very fortunate to have a father who has no issue with his wife earning more. That father needs to sort the boy's attitude out. Yes, 'dear' SS will shrug his opinion off and laugh at it, but if it comes from his dad the message will go in.

And yes, his dad needs to make clear to him, that women 100% do not want men with that vile sexist attitude and that he's setting himself up for a life as an untouchable, sexless incel, the way he's going.

Men really really need to act as solid role models and guides for their kids. Boys in particular given the nasty manosphere toxicity at the moment.

i think i'd just ask him if he ended up with a normal to decent job, but met a beautiful girl who earned millions and was happy to offer him the sort of life he'd never be able to afford on his own, would he really turn her down just so he could stay the main earner?

if his answer to that is yes, then he's a fucking idiot, and you're free to just laugh off his nonsense in future.

He’s young, he doesn’t know the reality of life yet. I wouldn’t worry.

Or he marries a lovely girl who finds a career she excels at and loves. She is offered a promotion that means she will earn substantially more than him - how will he react? Will he try and make her turn it down because it damages his ego?

Why should he see it as a positive? It is no more positive than if his Dad earned more than you. It’s a positive that he wants to earn well and be in a position to provide for his future family.
Maybe he has been influenced by seeing his own mother struggle to provide both financially and practically.

It is weird that you are upset enough about this to still be thinking about it. If you can’t just be positive and encourage your DSS to do as well as he can for himself then you shouldn’t be there.