To ask if those early parenting decisions make a difference to later child mental health

[deliverdaniel]

My kids are teens now but when they were tiny all of the early parenting decisions/ choices seemed so high stakes. Attachment style parenting vs routines. Breastfeeding vs ff. Cosleeping vs Gina Ford style routines. Sleep training etc etc.

For those with older DC what "style" of parenting did you do (attachment style/ routines/ more of a mix etc) and what is your child's mental health / security/ confidence etc like now? I"m not looking for research studies or opinions about these styles in theory- just your personal experience.

YABU- I think my parenting style produced the promised outcome in my DC

YANBU- I don't think any of it made any difference

I think it has all had a knock on effect, yes. My children felt secure so when they started school they happily skipped in. We labelled emotions from toddlerhood and taught them how to regulate so my DC understand their emotions. Breastfed into toddlerhood and my DC seem to have strong immune systems, they never seem to catch bugs going around. I appreciate the same may have happened if I FF but as someone that was FF from birth I was always ill.

I think that there is a good chance that the new 'but we took you to stately homes' will be 'but we coslept until you were six, how can you possibly have depression?'

FWIW @deliverdaniel i am not an expert in this area but I did happen to be talking to a child psychologist some years ago, who told me that in an ideal situation teens will leave home with a good network of family support around them and strong inner resources, but that if one of those things was lacking the other would make up for it. It’s those who have neither who flounder.

Can I ask what worked for you when teaching your children how to regulate? I've been labelling emotions since my kids were babies, but find the regulation bit the hard part!

Yes, I think they matter.. but they each matter in a tiny miniscule way. They are part of the millions of things that you experience and impact your life. Even the bigger more significant ones are still only a small percentage of your overall experience. So yes they matter, everything matters, but nothing matters that much on its own.

thank you. I guess i'm wondering if the specifics matter- as in- is it enough to love and care for your kids or does the exact method you use actually make the huge difference people seemed to suggest it might when my DC were little.

My own story fwiw- I have three DC. The oldest i did all the routines, sleep trained him - he slept in his own bed/ room from 6 weeks ish, ff from 6 weeks after terrible problems breastfeeding did more traditional style discipline- eg followed Supernanny/ time outs etc.

Younger two DCs- coslept, breastfed, no sleep training, no time outs- much more gentle parenting style discipline etc.

(all of them equally loved and cared for)

My eldest struggles a lot with MH/ low self esteem etc (he is also ND). My younger two are very confident and at ease in themselves. No idea if any of it has anything to do with any of this. I feel very guilty about not giving the eldest the same as the others. So interested to hear others' experiences.

ha! yes!
But genuinely- would love to hear from people who coslept with their kids and people who did not, how their kids mental health and confidence is now. The only people who ever seem to talk about this have babies and its rare to hear any follow up.

Yes I think its a part of it but i also think genetics and outside influences in later life also impacts mh.

See I am not convinced by any of this at all.

My DS happily went into school because he’s just always been fairly gregarious and confident. The younger one is much more cautious.

I breastfed the younger one and not the older one (not through choice, just she latched on easily while I could never get no1 to latch.) Both are very healthy but my younger one is the picky eater.

I have tried and failed to get them to label their emotions. If they are mid tantrum I’m not going to get anywhere and if they are calm then they don’t want to be talking about the thing that made them furious!

I think on the whole my parenting style has supported the teen she’s become. I didn’t make any of those binary choices you mentioned though.

For me it was, consistent routines, lots of love /affection, firm boundaries with natural consequences, good sleep routine, varied diet from weaning, developing hobbies (that have continued to this day), valuing and supporting learning and education and lots of fun.

there are some things I’d probably do different though in hindsight.

Did they have the same dad / family set up?

I think young adult/adult mental health is in large part due to genetics. My kids were confident and care free as children and young teens; dd started to have issues with depression/anxiety at 15 and has subsequently been diagnosed with ADHD and autism, which run in both sides of the family. Her mental health issues are almost exactly like her dad's. However, she has lots of friends, has graduated from uni, has a job etc. I think the mental health issues were probably inevitable. She has strong relationships with us and good self-awareness, so hopefully those things will help her navigate adult life.

Ds likewise has ADHD and has recently started struggling with OCD - just like his dad. But he's also 'succeeding' in many areas of life despite his struggles.

Dd was sleep trained, ds I was much more laid back with. I don't think it makes any difference to be honest. Build strong relationships with them and encourage them to try difficult things. Help them to understand themselves and find ways to manage.

Hard to say… I didn’t read any baby books.
Just did what felt right for me & my child…

I think they do. I am one of six children and we grew up really poor and had some turbulent times housing wise but out of the six of us none of us have any serious MH issues and we are all pretty successful especially if you look at the stats for people who grew up in similar situations. I put it down to my parents parenting and the way they handled their divorce which I have to say, how I know the full story hats off to them both. I don’t think I’d have handled it that well.

I just try and copy what they did tbh and make sure my kids always feel able to talk to us, feel loved and supported and know that we will stand up for them even if it’s to another adult or person in authority. Also try and make things magical and let them know that it’s okay to have fun and have a life as an adult/parent. I think it’s also super important to show them that you don’t need to be academically gifted to be successful. I did the whole uni thing and I loved it, but most of my family do trades. I think it’s important to show them success looks different for different people and there’s not one route to it. I know a lot of people who were pressured into uni who realistically would have been way better and happier in a vocation and I see them now and they’re very unfulfilled and I think that’s a big thing for mental health.

yes

My best friend was raised by a pair of barely functioning alcoholics who put 0 effort into her childhood. She is perfectly adjusted somehow.

Other people I knew with really nice married parents who always washed their clothes and made them nice meals are really battling with their mental health now.

So while it does matter I don’t think the little minute things are a big deal

I think your parenting style support the child you have. So mine breastfed easily, is easy to do more gentle parenting strategies on, but was a diabolical sleeper so needed to cosleep.
Other friends hate the idea of cosleeping but had babies happy with a dummy, or need to have more strict discipline along the lines of the "gentle parenting is for tje gentle children" quote I see.

You'll see people saying a secure attachment meant theirs skipped into school, other saying that their child struggle with nursery/drop offs show their secure attachment.

I generally believe we all do the best we can with the children we have and the situation we are in.

So what changed to make your approach so different between first and second child?

Reading this it looks like you’ve had a 180 turnaround in approach. Im
making the assumption that you were more anxious for your first child and more relaxed for the other two?

The evidence is that Mumsnet types who think about their parenting don't affect their child's MH, unless they are desperate gentle parenting types who never say no.
Those who would never read a parenting book and who hit their toddlers because "it never did me any harm" and who think their babies are "crying to spite me" are the ones who affect their child's MH negatively.
Most other slight variations make no difference.

I’m not sure any of it matters as much as we think it does at the time.

I was never the most maternal of mothers but they always knew they were loved by me and their dad and we always try to present a united front to them. They slept in their own rooms from when they started disturbing us in themselves by being in our room, probably about 12 weeks. Never managed to breastfeed either of them and they went to Nursery and then wrap around at school. A lot.

They are both robust happy children now who never have a day off sick from school. That said, they are completely different characters. Which is their nature I think rather than nurture.

Who knows what the next few years will bring but nothing we’ve done so far seems to have adversely affected them.

I think loving and supporting them whilst also giving them some decent boundaries it’s probably the best thing you can do to make a child feel secure.

Bottle fed, no co sleeping, just lucky I think, put them to bed, read and they’d fall asleep from 3/4 months, slept well throughout childhood. We were very ‘look it just has to be done’ parents- talked through things but didn’t over talk anything either and they get on with things now but I don’t think you can base solely on early parenting- some of the most easygoing children I know that had amazing starts have lost parents or had parents separate or have been bullied etc etc. (so to all who are worrying don’t beat yourself up, life has ups and downs x), and I’ve seen children from more difficult backgrounds (foster home and also very poor family) thrive and excel, now killing it in university and as a teacher!!

probably a few factors. We moved away from the UK in between first and second child and the culture where we are now is v different from how it was in teh UK when i left 15 years ago (strong emphasis on routines in the UK back then whereas culture where I am now is much more attachment-y ). Also I found it very hard with DC1 and basically got no sleep and became very depressed. When I had DC2 and was in hospital and struggling with the lack of sleep a nurse showed me how to safely cosleep with him and it was a revelation and so much easier (for me) and I got way more sleep, so I just continued. I then did same with DC3 and now regret not doing it with DC1. It was more just a random series of events than any great philosophical decision. Not sure if any of it means anything but it's so easy to spiral and blame myself for DC1's issues.

I think it’s a mix. My two were brought up like your eldest (not routines particularly but slept in own rooms early, breastfed until 14 months, strong discipline) and are generally confident, independent, sociable early 20s now. However, one has ADHD and physical health problems, which do have an impact on their mental health and I don’t think that’s a consequence of their upbringing.

My kids are now 16, 14 and 11

I had my first at 21 and my second at 23.

They (the first two) had a more raw parenting style than my youngest whom I had at 26, whilst yes I was still young, my parenting was notably different with him.

One and two had a more immature mum, but still a good mum with strong capacity. Although I would still do things differently. There were mothering moments that were not my finest with them two.

Number one and two are extremely confident and doing well, but number one does struggle to really express his emotions. Number two improved as she got older as my own capacity for emotional regulation improved.

Number 3. This one was parented in a much more gentle manner. He had every emotion validated and soothed. I can’t really remember ever telling him off, although he always seemed soft and gentle natured anyway, a reflection? I don’t know. Number 3 is a lot quieter than number one and two. He is confident but it is quiter, he can be very caring but he’s spoilt in a way that the other two aren’t. He has a tendency to think his needs matter the most, but he does express feelings.

There isn’t any major difference between them tbh. My eldest got the shittest deal and he is a complete go getter, he loves competition and achieving.