To ask if those early parenting decisions make a difference to later child mental health

[deliverdaniel]

My kids are teens now but when they were tiny all of the early parenting decisions/ choices seemed so high stakes. Attachment style parenting vs routines. Breastfeeding vs ff. Cosleeping vs Gina Ford style routines. Sleep training etc etc.

For those with older DC what "style" of parenting did you do (attachment style/ routines/ more of a mix etc) and what is your child's mental health / security/ confidence etc like now? I"m not looking for research studies or opinions about these styles in theory- just your personal experience.

YABU- I think my parenting style produced the promised outcome in my DC

YANBU- I don't think any of it made any difference

We coslept, I’m sleeping with one at 9 and the other prefers to share with her dad in the other room at 12 so I think it’s fair to say it hampered their ability to self settle 🤣

personally co sleeping was a lazy choice because I was Exhausted when they were babies and didnt have the temperament to sit up rocking them in a dark room. I tried leaving them: controlled crying a number of times and it never worked so wasn’t really an option.

also breastfed for 2 years- and BLw- they’re both obese but they are very healthy and rarely get ill (visited the doctor with them twice)

tbh I think other things like us divorcing and working / being unhappy ourselves more of an impact on their mental health, things like BF and co sleeping aren’t important on an individual level

Oh, and I really don’t think you can extrapolate co-sleeping to mean robust mental health. No matter what you do, I think teen-hood these days does a number on all but the most robust and confident kids these days. Social media and school pressure has a lot to answer for.

I agree with you. For me it’s about different layers - ‘attunement’ to the unique and changing needs of your specific child in the moment is critical.

I have 4 they are all very different personalities and needed different approaches / responses from me to emotionally develop.

That required me to be emotionally available to each of them and emotionally very aware of my own personality and emotional ‘weather’ and capacity.

Authentic calm and consistent wins the race. They tune in to your nervous system and absorb or react to it - so zero point being either a ‘gentle’ parent or a ‘structured’ parent if either is driven by internal anxiety as that’s what they will become - anxious - not gentle or structured.

I think we need to do more to be comfortable in our own adult skin, to have come to awareness and then come to terms with our own makeup (ND, intergenerational trauma, blind spots etc) and to learn self compassion and how to repair our own stable sense of self so that we are confident to calmly parent and meet the bumps in the road of parenting and what other challenges life will throw at us. So knowing yourself and building up your own personal resilience specific to your own background to make you confident in your own skin and your own ability to respond to your childrens needs rather than defaulting to a cookie cutter blueprint.

and I did all of that and my youngest has had dreadful mental health as a teen and was finally diagnosed as autistic and ADHD at age 16.

I do think that calm secure parenting with clear boundaries is good for kids mental health.
I also think that 'bad' parenting has a catastrophic effect.

The thing is many parenting types and styles all fall under broadly 'good' parenting. Many different cultures too. Some many variations, all of which are broadly 'good'

Bad parenting is distinguished by children who are not loved and are afraid, and where basic care needs are neglected. It is sadly much more common than you think.

Not sure if you would class my eldest DC as old enough as she is only 9, however she was parented as a baby/toddler in a very responsive and sensitive way- never left to cry and tended to very quickly when needing something, lots of attachment and gentle parenting, co slept whenever she desired after reaching what I felt was a 'safe' age for it, showered with love from 2 parents but still has SEMH difficulties.
She was a 'high needs' baby who demanded alot of attention (might also have been being a 1st baby, don't know)

However as she has got older admittedly alot of the gentle parenting has gone out of the window, and admittedly some more traditional parenting/discipline methods have unfortunately crept in as she is autistic and likely has ADHD too....her behaviours can be quite challenging so it is hard to have patience, and adding 2 more siblings into the mix since her has also stretched us more mentally as parents.
But she is still very loved and cared for- we always try to meet her emotional needs best we can alongside the practical stuff, and apologise if we get cross.
She does struggle socially and behaviourally, but as you say it is hard to know what is parenting styles and what is the impact of neurodiversity.

some of these things are just massive red herrings too. eg co-sleeping. As if co-sleeping is a symptom of a particular parenting type.

DC 1 was a good sleeper. He slept next to me in a Moses basket and then in their cot. It never occurred to me to co-sleep, because he was lying fast asleep in his basket, woke to eat and then went back to sleep.
DC2 was a less good sleeper, but settled next to me in the Moses basket.
DC3 was like DC1.

co-sleeping or not co-sleeping just wasn't an issue. They were asleep and happy.

That is true for so many other things like, food, weaning, potty training. It isn't an either - or, or black and white.
It isn't that if you co-sleep you are emotionally connected and if you didn't you must be this other type of parent.
So often as parents we are just lead by what works for the child in front of us.

I expect most babies in refugee camps ‘Co-sleep’ and are ‘exclusively breastfed’ and I doubt that will substantially optimise or protect their future MH from their environment or the trauma absorbed from their parents.

I think it helps but there is a lot to do with personalities, genes, external factors, what place are you in your family too.

We didn’t co-sleep but were always attentive to their needs, provided a secure, stable environment, holidays, opportunities, good food, hobbies, etc. Both good teens now, but one has needed more support than the other one.

There’s a saying:

genetics loads the gun environment pulls the trigger.

some children are so robust it doesn’t really matter that environment they are in.

most children are affected by their environment (but anyone who is thinking about their parenting probably doesn’t fall into the serious physical abuse/sexual abuse that is likely to cause MH problems

and some children were always very likely to develop MH problems (family history etc etc) and parenting can lessen the impact but is unlikely to be able to fix

This is all confirmation bias. I was FF as was my DS and we are both healthy as horses. Never got the 'get every bug going' issue with nursery or school

OP to answer your question, some of the way they turn out is due to parenting, some is nature and personality. It's hard to unlock which is what

My older one is still quite young (9) so what I can add is probably limited in value, but my own view is that a lot of it is innate and dependent on the child's personality/how their brain is 'wired', rather than down to parenting. However, parents need to parent the child they have, rather than being stuck on routines that don't work for their child. So you won't make a laid-back child 'anxious' by sleep-training, but you might be able to help an anxious child become less so by parenting in certain ways.

I have ADHD and suspect my older one has too (not sure about the younger one yet), and yes, this does affect how I parent. I've always found it difficult to keep things in order and follow routines, so when the older one was younger I did take a more child-led approach and just go with the flow as it was easier for me. I breastfed, didn't sleep train and although I wouldn't say did 'attachment parenting' specifically I tried to be around when they wanted me. I didn't realise then about the ADHD (diagnosed as an adult), I was just trying desperately to meet everyone's needs amidst of sea of scattiness, anxiety and disorganisation.

Since then I've really tried to overhaul our lives to focus on making home as positive and stress-free as possible, given how difficult life can be outside of it. I was lucky to be able to reduce my working hours significantly after DC2, which massively cut down on stress, I stopped being so militant about meal times, I accepted that my DC wasn't been difficult or fussy about things like food and clothing but it was actually linked to sensory issues for them, so now there are loads of things that I just go with the flow on. I'm relaxed on things like untidiness and fussiness at home, and try to help my DC to tidy up and do their homework in positive ways (we put music on, set timers and do it together), rather than shouting at them. We talk together about how we can make doing the 'boring' stuff easier or more exciting, to try to work out strategies that work for them. My older DC will start secondary in a couple of years and I'm very mindful about the challenges that will pose so am thinking about how to help prepare for that.

I think we need to do more to be comfortable in our own adult skin, to have come to awareness and then come to terms with our own makeup (ND, intergenerational trauma, blind spots etc) and to learn self compassion and how to repair our own stable sense of self so that we are confident to calmly parent and meet the bumps in the road of parenting and what other challenges life will throw at us. So knowing yourself and building up your own personal resilience specific to your own background to make you confident in your own skin and your own ability to respond to your childrens needs rather than defaulting to a cookie cutter blueprint.

Agree with this.

I'm not the poster you asked, but insted of the naughty step, which was so fashionable when DC were small, we had cosy corner. It was an armchair with a blanket, cuddly toy, book, beaker of water. If DC ever started to tantrum or get angry, they went there. Never as a punishment, just as a calm place to regulate their emotions. I told them they could come back at any time, as long as they were able to speak nicely, apologise for being mean etc. If they came back but were still unregulated, I just said they needed more time until they felt calm and cosy.

I had the mickey taken out of me so badly for not punishing them. But I thought: if I have PMT - what would work best - being told off and punished, or given a blanket and cushion and time alone? Why expect small children to be any different? The object is to teach them how to control their emotions all by themselves, not make them feel bad for having emotions in the first place. I have to say neither of my DC - both boys - were ever aggressive or difficult as teens. They occasionally nudged a boundary but backed down. Lots of people remarked how chill and calm we were as a family and I suspect it was down to taht. Also, my autistic DS never had autistic meltdowns.

If they were rude or shouted or whined, I mirrored them so they coule learn how it feels to be on the receiving end of that behaviour. So if I had asked them to use a normal voice and they'd ignored me, I'd mimick and whine, 'Do you like it when I say my need you to stop saying my need jooouice in such a whiny voice because it makes my ears hurt?' They'd either start laughing or stop whining.

A friend told me she works with children with challenging behaviour and when one threw himself on the floor in a tantrum, she did the same. He stopped almost immediately.

I have dc in their 30s, 20, teens and a 12 yr old.

The baby days aren't so relevant in my experience, its once they go to school especially high school.

I agree with others that the small, daily things we do make a difference. And also that innate personality is hugely important.

However, I have one child who was (from birth) clearly more volatile and anxious than the others. What has created a positive outcome for him was our ability to adapt our parenting to his needs, but also to hold a line and be a bit 'cruel to be kind' sometimes.

We started out quite strict and inflexible (because we thought that was what 'consistent' meant). As he got older and had bigger and bigger meltdowns, we got better at just letting the feelings pass instead of punishing him for them. We also eventually were able to teach him to talk about he felt.

At the same time, we were still a bit mean sometimes. When aged 7 he started to refuse to go to school, we forced him in. We also made him do things he'd committed to (like playing a football match with his team) even when he really wanted to back out. At the time it felt awful but now (aged 14) he is able to say 'I feel nervous about school but that's just because it's the first day' or whatever. I'm firmly convinced that if we hadn't forced him in, he would be a life long school refuser.

He has needed very responsive, careful parenting, which my other kids didn't. I'm glad I have been able, to some extent, to provide that, but it's really, really hard and I'm sure was only possible for me because I more or less have my own shit together.

I'm not sure this thread can give you what you want, or will be helpful.

You'll never know whether your eldest would always have had the issues they have or whether you've influenced it, and this can't help. You don't know how honest people will be. You don't know strict they were, or whether they split care with someone who stuck to routines when they weren't there, or whether they had support from others...

And even if you just take everyone at face value, you're only going to give yourself a stick to beat yourself with. You did your best. You loved them all.

Made no difference at all!
bf till 13m dc1
bf till age 3.5yo dc2..

no nursery till 3 for either
dc1 was a horror at home and nursery right through.
dc2 just tricky at home.

both have asd/adhd.
dc1 had ear infections severely on starting nursery.

The biggest difference between kids is genes and personality. Small parenting differences make very little difference. As dc has friends where 2 soblings are completely different.
1 was sporty and popular — adhd
1 rubbish at sport and isolated—asd.

and my dc1 severely depressed. They were at least pretty happy until starting school. Which has severely affected both. They were both confident and social. But now both so anti social they seem/are autistic

All a parent can do is their best. If you did what you believed to be right at the time, I don’t think it’s fair to apportion blame to things. That said, sometimes your best just isn’t good enough, but again, you didn’t necessarily know that at the time. My parents defo did their best while making some unfortunate mistakes for sure - being the eldest doesn’t help either - which have deeply affected my MH.

I stuck firmly to routine and boundaries and pretty much wanted to avoid the 'attachment parenting!!' obsession because i could see a lot of those parents seemed to stray into quite permissive parenting.
In my house no meant no, and adults arent always required to give children a lengthy explanation of why everytime.
My children got lots and lots of love but poor behaviour was not tolerated and i didnt just 'distract them with something' to stop them doing things i didnt want them doing. Perfectly happy to use the words 'No', 'Stop that at once' and 'because I said so'. I was clear with my children, mummy and daddy are in charge. Sleep and good sleep hygiene were always paramount in my house so we absolutely sleep trained and my kids sleep well and are generally well rested.

My now teen children have grown up very secure and with great mental health, no issues with things like anxiety. We have a very close relationship but crucially they know the adults are in charge and wouldnt dream of exhibiting behaviour some posters describe on here. Theyd be in big trouble if they spoke to me or their dad the way some of their peers speak to parents.

No regrets from me.

Some acquaintances who jumped hard on the attachment parenting wagon are now battling over indulged teens who want justification for every little thing, dont respect their parents, and seem very anxious.

I think it does matter. But you can't necessarily predict how any one thing will affect a particular child. For example, I know several adults who were sent to boarding school. One absolutely loved it and thrived and looks back on their time fondly. The other hated it, was bullied and had issues for years resulting from that.

Similarly I expect my friend's baby, who is an amazing sleeper, will have zero issues from sleeping in their own room from a very young age. They are happy. Other children have terrible separation anxiety and sleep badly and would probably find being away from their parents all night traumatic.

My sibling had a similar childhood to me in terms of opportunities, breastfeeding, routines etc. But has had mental health struggles I've never had. I can see they're heritary as they are very similar to a parent and a grandparent. Maybe a different parenting style would have helped, but personally I think it's nature in this case.

You do the best you can with the information available to you. You can't do more!

I agree with this. I worry that people who cave in to their children's initial school refusal or react to a child's intense but logical anxiety as if they need to be shielded from what makes them anxious, only increase problems later on.

i remember DS1 weeping and clinging to me, sobbing that he didn't want to go to reception class for days. I'd read somewhere that you should agree with their emotions, not their suggested solutions, so I just hugged him and said, 'I know. I wish I could stay with you all day long too. Wouldn't that be lovely? But you need to learn to read and count, and I need to go to work and earn money so we can buy some nice food for tea. We can think nice thoughts about each other and I'll give you a big hug when I pick you up.' To my amazement he stopped crying and trotted off. He just seemed to need to be told his feelings were normal, not that his desire not to go to school was normal. That was a big eye-opener for me.

Thank you everyone for responding kindly. It seems like the whole cosleeping /breastfeeding/ parenting style thing is all over the map in terms of people’s experiences and other factors do seem way more important, esp neurodiversity.

Cant remember any parenting style. Just did what came to mind and right at the time. Not sure you can make a link between parenting style and mental health altough Im sure someone will do some pointless research. Its really the nature, nuture debate isnt it.

Sleep training. Firmness but fairness. Boundaries.They knew that we were the parents and that they were the kids. If I asked them to get their shoes on to go out they got their shoes on. I didn’t give them choices they weren’t emotionally intelligent enough to make. I decided for them. Good manners. Respect. Two lovely adult men now. I couldn’t be more proud of them.

This is a really interesting thread.

I think a lot depends on outside influences eg the community around your children, whether that’s grandparents or community groups or even a church. There is a lot of luck - the genetics you get on the day and some kids from the same parents will be ok and some won’t

my eldest DD has major mental health issues since Covid (bad luck there since lockdown affected her) but had issues at birth and is highly sensitive. I possibly over parented her due to the issues at birth. I didn’t co sleep. Wish I had!

my others are ok. I co slept with my youngest. My middle one was just born tougher and more resilient and she was the one I did controlled crying with to get her to sleep.

think it’s all tiny factors and we blame parents whereas it’s usually luck/genetics/life circumstances