Deeply ashamed of my son

[Iluvgenehunt]

My family, daughter, son in law, granddaughter, son and son's girlfriend attended a family wedding today. My 32 year old son has a history of drug addiction and alcohol abuse. I thought that the habitual weed smoking was finally behind him but it seems not. He got so drunk that even before the meal had been served, he was extremely drunk. He and his girlfriend left the table. I later discover his beautiful girlfriend crying outside and son was meandering all over the grounds outside the hotel arguing with anyone who would listen about politics. Girlfriend then tells me that he is back buying bitcoin in order to get weed vapes from America. He is broke and now owes her money. He has also been on Tinder and has been messaging women, looking at porn and talking to his ex girlfriends trying to get sympathy. I have urged girlfriend to leave him (together for three years) because he doesn't love her. He is addicted to weed, alcohol, porn and lying. He can barely hold down a job. My ex husband has washed his hands of him even though he is also an alcoholic who was emotionally abusive to me for years and had been having an affair with someone he works with for quite some time before we divorced. I suspected this but didn't know it for sure until today.
I am humiliated and furious and sick to my stomach about my son. I need to detach myself from him. He will threaten suicide and try to get money out of me. I have to tolerate him in my house tonight but would it be unreasonable if me to cut all contact.....at least temporarily and maybe for good?
My mother became an alcoholic in her 70s so I have been surrounded by addicts for over half my life.

As much as you are his mum and you don't want to abandon him, you have to priroitise yourself. You cannot help him whilst he is not ready to get help. There is only so much you can do and by the sounds of it, he will just create stress and debt for you as well as his girlfriend and anyone else who chooses to enable the behavior. It's brutal and you have to be extremely strong!

This scenaro you've painted is the exact reason I won't be having certain individuals at my wedding.

He needs to wake up himself and get himself to rehab. He is suffering from multiple addictions, sounds like he’s already lost his mind meaning he’s at a bad stage, he needs help now but it has to be his choice.
Tell him you love him but don’t like who he has become, tell him to call you when he finishes rehab.

I don't think you can "cut contact" with your child, but you can (and should) set boundaries, such as "I will not spend time with you if you are being abusive or offensive to me or others", "I will not allow you in my home if you are using illegal substances or under the influence", 'I will not give you money or otherwise enable your drug abuse and other unhealthy habits", etc. You may then find that he doesn't want contact with you, if he's not getting what he wants from you - which may at least give you a little more peace, but leaves the door open for him to get back in touch if he cleans up his act.

People don't take their own lives because someone refused to give them money. Treat those sorts of threats like the shitty attempts at manipulation they are and refuse to engage.

Thank you all. I just needed a bit of a handhold incase I was being too harsh. I wish I could make his girlfriend see sense. He is treating her the way his father treated me.

Not harsh at all, I have a very difficult relationship with my sister because of her addiction. I spent many years trying to understand and support her, and then the final straw just broke the camel’s back. Sending love because I know how hard this all, I really do. You are not being unreasonable in the slightest.

I’m really sorry it sounds unbelievably painful.

But yes you need incredibly hard boundaries with him. Make it absolutely clear that while you love him this sort of behaviour will not be tolerated.

And persuade his girlfriend to leave him. She sounds like an enabler and will ruin her life if she stays with him.

I think it's quite mean to try to convince his girlfriend to leave your son "because he doesn't love her". How do you know he doesn't? It's not going to make your son's life any better if his long-term girlfriend dumps him.

I think if this was anybody other than your son, I’d be like yes, cut contact. But he’s your son and he’s clearly struggling. If his girlfriend sees sense and leaves him, then he might hit rock bottom, and it’s important he has someone to lean on. If that was my son, I would want to be a safe space for him. But I’m a glass half full kind of person so maybe I’m being too optimistic about the outcome of such support.

He’s not capable of loving her in a way that is constructive and will enhance her life. He will drag her down and delay his recovery by remaining with an enabler. It benefits no one for them to stay together.

It's not someone else's job to try to protect an addict from the consequences of his choices. If you go to AA meetings you'll rarely hear anyone say "my life was going so great I decided to stop drinking." Instead what you'll hear are the stories of people who hit rock bottom because they finally get to the point where their drinking has already cost them so much - jobs, relationships, money, health etc -that they can't bear the thought of losing any more.

The girlfriend is in that position of, as the Al-Anon catchphrase puts it, "Let go or get dragged". He will drag her down with him if she sticks around because she can't control his drinking. It's on her to decide whether life with an addict, with all the chaos and drama that entails, is good enough for her or not.

I don’t know that I could face dealing with him for a while. I think a short break would be entirely reasonable for sure.

Sorry to hear this.
Things do change and nothing stays the same.
I hope his life improves and you his loved ones can experience some peace and happiness.

Jumpin’ Jehoshaphat! That is an absolute minefield of a wedding day, and you have every right to feel completely furious, humiliated, and sick to your stmach. You have spent over half your life surrunded by addiction, and it is completely understandable that you have reached your absolute breaking point.

You cannot cure his addiction, and you cannot reason with it, so cutting contact is not unreasonable at all in fact, it is entirely necessary for your own sanity. When he inevitably tries to waponise suicide threats to manipulate you for money, do not give him a single penny. If he threatens self-harm, immediately call emergency services to handle it; this ensures he gets professional help if it is a genuine criss, and it completely shuts down the manipulation if it is a lie.
For tonight, just focus on keeping your head down, securing your purse and keys, and getting through until tomorrow when he needs t leave.

You did the right thing by telling his girlfriend to run, but from here on out, you need to step away from all the family drama, including your ex-husband's toxic history. You have set yourself on fire to keep everyone else warm for long enough, and it is finally time to choose your own peace.

@Iluvgenehunt I am so sorry that you are having to face this decision. Drug addicts are awful for forcing us to choose the least shitty option out of a bunch of really shitty choices.

If you need to take a break from him for a while to protect yourself and your well-being then you owe it to yourself to do so. Your son isn't going to put your best interests first so you have to do it for yourself. It's a desperately sad situation but eventually you have to realise that they're on the rollercoaster of addiction regardless, and so you have to decide whether or not you want to keep watching them go round and round, up and down. Because all the time you're watching them do what they want to do, you're not doing what you want to do.

I'm so, so sorry OP. I think you already know how this is going to end. My Heart goes out to you.

You can't help him OP, let whatever will be, be, hold on to yourself and protect yourself you'll always love him, but perhaps not like him. But you can't help him.

Thank you all. It was truly sickening and terrible to see how he was scaring and belittling her on Saturday. It brought up recent memories of what happened to me and I wanted to punch his lights out. It is gut wrenching to think of what an affectionate, happy, funny, adorable little boy he was. It's almost too much to bear.

I’m so sorry, @Iluvgenehunt

You poor thing. Keep letting his girlfriend know you’re there for her. And agree with others, hard boundaries where you let him know you won’t be spending time in his company when he’s under the influence and behaving that way. He’s 32, not a teenager or early 20s. He needs serious help but it sounds like he’s hellbent on hurtling towards rock bottom and there may not be anything you can do to prevent that.

I think so. Many an addict simply don't care who they hurt.
The risk is then the addict dragging down all those near who try to help with them. The OP can't do that to herself and the girlfriend really shouldn't.

Until her son is ready for help then nothing will help.

Have you ever tried Al Alon - a support group for friends and family of addicts - mainly acholol but same principle applies with drugs and other addictions.

It's very good at boundary setting and realising what you can't control.

https://al-anonuk.org.uk/

As opposed to the poor girl who has to deal with a deceitful drug addict and drunk while wasting her prime years in pain and hurt??? Addicts will drag down people around them, simple.

He needs to be ready for help and he obviously isn't, tying her down isn't fair but then again she also needs to get to the point of saying enough and move on. Unfortunately for many young women they wait too long to leave.

I actually applaud OP for telling her to leave, many mothers would want the girl to stay for their selfish reasons to support their son but that's at the expense of the poor girl.

And yes he doesn't love her if he continues to drink and use drugs to such an extent he repeatedly embarrasses her in public, can you imagine what goes on at home behind close doors, belittling her in public, so broke because of his addiction and bad habits and she has to keep bailing him out and lending him money, please tell me what you have seen that suggests he loves and respects her?

Love is not just saying "I love you", it's also through your actions, how your treat the person and are considerate of them, how your actions affect them, how you respect and value them.

are you for real?

My ex husband has washed his hands of him even though he is also an alcoholic who was emotionally abusive to me for years and had been having an affair with someone he works with for quite some time before we divorced.

Did your son witness any of this when he was younger?

I’m not making excuses, but trying to find a reason for his chaotic behaviour. Sounds like he needs therapy and help for the drugs and alcohol problems.

It’s up to his girlfriend if she leaves him or not. She’s an adult and can make her own decisions.

Obviously his behaviour at the wedding was totally unacceptable and selfish, and you should probably avoid having him at future family events/gatherings whilst he’s still actively addicted to and using substances.

But if I were you I would try and support him as best as I could. It isn’t easy. And sometimes you need to take some steps back and put your mental wellbeing first, but if you cut him off just like his dad did, then he’s just going to get worse. I wish you all the best.

It would be reasonable to cut off contact, as the most extreme measure, but I wonder if - assuming he genuinely wants to be close to you - if there is something you can do in terms of negotiations, e.g., You can't come here unless you're in re-hab.