Deeply ashamed of my son

[Iluvgenehunt]

My family, daughter, son in law, granddaughter, son and son's girlfriend attended a family wedding today. My 32 year old son has a history of drug addiction and alcohol abuse. I thought that the habitual weed smoking was finally behind him but it seems not. He got so drunk that even before the meal had been served, he was extremely drunk. He and his girlfriend left the table. I later discover his beautiful girlfriend crying outside and son was meandering all over the grounds outside the hotel arguing with anyone who would listen about politics. Girlfriend then tells me that he is back buying bitcoin in order to get weed vapes from America. He is broke and now owes her money. He has also been on Tinder and has been messaging women, looking at porn and talking to his ex girlfriends trying to get sympathy. I have urged girlfriend to leave him (together for three years) because he doesn't love her. He is addicted to weed, alcohol, porn and lying. He can barely hold down a job. My ex husband has washed his hands of him even though he is also an alcoholic who was emotionally abusive to me for years and had been having an affair with someone he works with for quite some time before we divorced. I suspected this but didn't know it for sure until today.
I am humiliated and furious and sick to my stomach about my son. I need to detach myself from him. He will threaten suicide and try to get money out of me. I have to tolerate him in my house tonight but would it be unreasonable if me to cut all contact.....at least temporarily and maybe for good?
My mother became an alcoholic in her 70s so I have been surrounded by addicts for over half my life.

What about the OP's safe space?
It sounds like she's already spent too much of her life fighting for one.

Good on you for being able to see your sons faults. Im really sorry and totally understand how distressed you must feel. I pray that things improve and your son gets a wake up call.

Men who are in love do t chat to other women on tinder, nor do they fuck about messaging exs to gain sympathy,

I am sorry op. Your post about what a lovely little boy he was is heart wrenching. You post only confirms though the evils of weed. I have seen many friends and people from school go down a dark path with it. I now work in an area where young teens are smoking supper skunk in the morning before school and wonder how they can function and how life will turn out for them.

I like you thought maybe they would grow up with having children but unfortunately not. Support services are also poor here. Weed is low level compared to the many other vices locally. I did manage to get one of my closest friends off the booze so there is hope but he’ll need better people around him . Sad as it is maybe the partner walking may do the trick.

Much love op sounds very hard but you’ve also got to look after yourself x

This makes sense

Have you put it to her in those terms OP? That history is repeating itself in front of you and that she needs to listen to you ? That’s all you can do - the rest is up to her. I think you need to cut contact. Your son needs help but unless/until he is ready to seek it out for himself there’s a very real danger that you’ll end up enabling him. It will be the hardest thing you’ve ever done but you need to put in hard boundaries as much for your own sanity as anything else.

Addicts love their addictions so hard there's no room for anyone else.
OP and pp is right, the gf is an enabler/rescuer doing him no favours at all by staying, and shredding her self respect in the process.

He has to reach rock bottom, then want to get better.

My DF was an alcoholic - now find we have ADHD ? Autism through the family - my GP said a few years ago he was self medicating which at the time I was furious about as he ruined our childhoods - now I can see he probably was.
This may not be the case but read up on it ,alcohol ,drugs,reckless behaviour etc are all more common in those with adhd seeking a dopamine hit. Think about his school days,think about other family members,as it runs in families.

It's not going to make your son's life any better if his long-term girlfriend dumps him.

It’s not about making DS’s life better, it’s about protecting her from any more damage than has already been done. He’s an addict and he needs help, but he has to want it, and clearly he doesn’t. The people closest to him are the ones who will suffer unless/until he gets that help and they don’t need to set themselves on fire to keep him warm - that’s just enabling his behaviour.

It will make the girlfriend’s life considerably better and safer though.

Ok, but the OP is not her mother - she's his mother. Why would she want to deliberately cause him even more difficulties?

Oh dear god. Are you serious?
She was absolutely correct to counsel a women to look out for herself and it was very big of her to do so when the boyfriend is her own son.

@Iluvgenehunt sending you support. I cannot imagine how much this must break your heart. 💐

Why would you detach from him? Now is the time he needs you. He needs to hear about your mother and the history of addiction in your family, he needs to hear that with rehab he could have a life with money that’s earned, with real life that has more good days than bad

This is exactly why people ahould
not stay in abusive relationships - kids learn from their parents and the cycle continues

She doesn’t. She clearly cares about his girlfriend and wants to save her from her sons’ abusive behaviour. There’s a difference.

No. Hearing it second hand is useless. He needs to reach rock bottom and get the help himself. He has to want it, not have it handed to him or forced on him. And OP needs to detach for her own sanity. If she continues contact she’ll end up enabling him. His addiction is the most important thing in the world to him. Everything else comes second, and until that changes there’s nothing anyone can do.

Detaching isn’t cutting someone off. It is saving your own sanity. Do you think it’s that easy, that you can say to an addict “Go into rehab, your life will be better” and they reply “Oh great, I’ll give that a go!”?

An addict won’t consider rehab until they just can’t continue in their addiction. Usually once they’ve lost absolutely everything. And even then, a lot of them still won’t go.

How idealistic, if only it was that simple!

Rehab is like 30k? Who can afford to ‘just take themselves off to rehab’. Jesus.

Is that even relevant at this point though?

My heart went out to the OP describing her son as a little boy. This is such a sad situation all round, and I really hope she convinces the girlfriend to save herself here, too. As pp mentioned, she isn’t that young woman’s mother but it’s commendable that she wants her to let go of the son because she can see him dragging her down.

I think boundaries are the way forward here @Iluvgenehunt as pp said. No staying if you’re using, no inviting people round, or whatever works in the situation. And stick to them or it’s useless. 💐

Have you ever been in a relationship with an addict? She is trying to save this poor girl from a vile life.

My husband's Aunt, had to cut ties with her son (my husband's cousin) as he's an alcoholic and drug addict. It's an extremely hard choice to have to make, but for her own well-being, she had to make that choice.

My husband's cousin has been into rehab 3 times, and nothing has worked permanently. He has managed long stretches (longest being about 7 years) of being sober and clean, but the tiniest set back, sends him into a downward spiral. He too caused embarrassment at my wedding, by getting absolutely pissed... unfortunately we didn't realise the extent of his issues at the time. He also lost his then girlfriend through his behaviour.

You can't force his girlfriend to end the relationship. It's a realisation that she needs to come to by herself. Tell her that his behaviour will destroy any feelings she has for your son and that she shouldn't feel guilty for walking away. It's entirely possible he's threatened suicide, if she leaves, so tell her this is manipulation. Offer to be there for her if she should need it.

Make it plain to your son that you love him, and when he's ready to get help, you will be there for him. Your son has to recognise he has an addiction and wants help, which sadly means he's going to likely hit rock bottom before that realisation happens.

The OP is someone with experience of being in a relationship with an abusive alcoholic. As such she offered advice and support to someone who, through no fault of her own, has found herself in the same position.

You are looking at the situation through rose tinted glasses! The OP's son skips off to rehab, gets better and lives happily ever after with his girlfriend by his side. It doesn't work like that...if only it did. Living with an addict is brutal. Their only love is whatever they're addicted too and it sucks the soul out of those who are around them.

The OP knows that her son's girlfriend is in for a rough ride. He's an addict, and her life is going to become harder and rougher, the further into addiction her son falls. The OP is trying to save the poor woman from a shitty future.