No sure what to do here.

[Imonmyownhere]

I'll try to cut this short.

Daughter is 20 and been wanting to move out for ages (without encouragement from me, I must add). We get on well and have a normal and healthy relationship and she has heart condition which is well managed but waiting for surgery. Because of this she only works part time.

Due to cicumstances we've moved around a lot and we found a rented house 18 months ago which we're settled in. After this I met my current partner who I've been with nearly a year and I'm very happy with. I see a future with him 100%. My daughter has said she likes my partner and they always seem to have a laugh together.

My partner wants to sell his house in Spring and for us to move in together in a new one. He also wants my daughter to move with us and so do I.

Myself and daughter have discussed this a few times and she says she doesn't want to move in with us, she wants her first place to be independent of us, plus she's sick of moving that many times, that she doesn't want to move out then have to move again.

She wants me to wait a few years to move out of our current rented place so she can save for her own place. Yet she says that she could house share or possibly house share with her dad.

YABU - She has a heart condition and you need to make allowances and let her live with you while she saves up and has her heart op.

YANBU - You're not being unfair in wanting to think of yourself and encouraging her to live independently.

Note, obviously title should say 'not' sure, can't change it!

I like this idea, thank you. I'm normally quite good at decisions but this one has stumpped me.

She doesn't want me to say anything to him yet as she wants to see what her options are but I'm seriously thinking of telling her that I'll give it longer. I might even say to him that I'm actually unsure if I'll be ready so soon into the relationship.

Far too soon to move in with a new partner.

I think that quite separately from your daughter’s feelings and very reasonable wishes, it is a very good idea to hold off on moving in with your partner. Waiting a few years to do so would be wise, and does not mean your relationship with your partner can’t progress in the meantime.

Also, the fact your daughter would rather be in a house share or move to live with her dad than do a further move with you to be with your new partner isn’t a sign she is inconsistent in what she’s hoping for; it shows that regardless of the fact she seems to like your partner, she really doesn’t want to live with him. In my view, you should be putting her needs first here. This is all the more important given she is having to navigate complex health needs most of her peers do not have, and has already had an unsettled few years recently in terms multiple moves.

My reading of this is that she wants to stay living with you for now, but also is not wanting to hold you back if this is what you want, hence coming up with other options for herself should you choose to move in with your partner. Your daughter is a credit to you, and the best thing would be, through your actions, to offer her the same level of respect back.

I do not mean to imply you do not deserve a happy and fulfilling relationship and new start, but now is not the time to progress that through an imminent household reshuffle with a new partner, in my view.

Early days to be moving in with this bloke OP. Your daughter comes first and I would certainly put any upheaval on hold until she's had her surgery (assuming that's going to be in the foreseeable future)?

My 20 yo dd has asd. Circumstances saw her move out decently

Only 1 train stop /15 min drive away.

Both feel that was comfortable enough for us both !

Was it her decision?

Sorry edited to correct.

P.S. also, from your first post, you evidently enjoy living with your daughter and it sounds like the two of you have a strong and happy relationship, enjoying one another’s company. Wouldn’t it be a gift to be able to continue that a few years longer? I worry you would regret the loss of this time, even if all went wonderfully with your partner.

You say you’d rather stay living with her, whilst you also accept and support her wish to work towards independence.

If you move in with your partner and she therefore moves out sooner than she would have otherwise, this is time you could have had living with your daughter - something you would like to do - that you would be losing as a direct consequence of that choice.

You have mentioned in later posts that you yourself wonder if it’s too soon in the relationship anyway. Do fully acknowledge this – going by timelines, it very often is much too soon. I hope you know that if your partner were to object to this, it would be a concerning reaction on his part and should give you further pause rather than making you doubt a decision to hold off.

No way would I mess your daughter about like that. Let her have some stability until she has/recovers from her surgery at least.
Her suggestion of waiting a couple of years seems very reasonable.
What if this new relationship goes wrong?
People will be along to say think of yourself, she's an adult. However she's still very young, has had a lot of upheavel, and is waiting for heart surgery.
My friend was shocked at how long she needed to recover from heart surgery, despite feeling fit as a lop and symptom free beforehand. (Her condition was found by chance).
If your relatiinship is meant to be, moving in can wait.

Thank you.

In general we do get along yes, I've learned to be very patient and she has grown up a lot recently. But I still feel that I get taken for granted a bit as regards to what I put in around the house, although she still does help without me asking too.
I have health conditions too and we do very well to get on in general.

It sounds like it might be a good idea just to take things a bit more slowly and get to know him better @Imonmyownhere . I wouldn't move in with anyone if the relationship was less than 2 years old. Is he wanting to rush? Or are you both just a bit over-excited?

A year is no time at all.

Wait - there is no rush

She absolutely needs to start pulling her weight properly around the house, excepting when her illness means she genuinely struggles with energy. But this would make me more concerned to move in with your partner with her. You and DD are a secure unit who rub along together and as her mum you show her leniency. Your partner may not feel the same way about living with another adult who he doesn’t think is doing enough around the house and taking things for granted - and there’s every potential for that to turn into tension, arguments, your DD feeling as though she’s being picked at, and you stuck in the middle feeling you need to take sides. What you don’t want is for all that to explode into a situation where she feels as though she needs to move out with not much planning into some other unideal living situation, and for the relationship you and she have to be damaged.