No sure what to do here.

[Imonmyownhere]

I'll try to cut this short.

Daughter is 20 and been wanting to move out for ages (without encouragement from me, I must add). We get on well and have a normal and healthy relationship and she has heart condition which is well managed but waiting for surgery. Because of this she only works part time.

Due to cicumstances we've moved around a lot and we found a rented house 18 months ago which we're settled in. After this I met my current partner who I've been with nearly a year and I'm very happy with. I see a future with him 100%. My daughter has said she likes my partner and they always seem to have a laugh together.

My partner wants to sell his house in Spring and for us to move in together in a new one. He also wants my daughter to move with us and so do I.

Myself and daughter have discussed this a few times and she says she doesn't want to move in with us, she wants her first place to be independent of us, plus she's sick of moving that many times, that she doesn't want to move out then have to move again.

She wants me to wait a few years to move out of our current rented place so she can save for her own place. Yet she says that she could house share or possibly house share with her dad.

YABU - She has a heart condition and you need to make allowances and let her live with you while she saves up and has her heart op.

YANBU - You're not being unfair in wanting to think of yourself and encouraging her to live independently.

Note, obviously title should say 'not' sure, can't change it!

Your DD has the option to come with you if she's not ready to move out independently yet. She cannot dictate your plans. Unless there's a ton of backstory obviously...

It's a condition usually not dangerous or life threatening.

We've been together a year next month.

My daughter would always come before a boyfriend, and what’s she’s asked for isn’t unreasonable in the circumstances. I’d stay put, as requested and if your partner has anything about him he’d be content to wait.

I think that's pretty early days to be moving in and putting you and your daughter in a vulnerable housing situation. Are you envisioning it would all take a while? How come you've done so much moving around?

No nothing to do with men.

I think I would just say that, whilst you appreciate that she doesn’t want to move again, there is no point you wasting money on rent when you and your partner would like to start to make some capital payments. It will take a while for your partners house to sell, but I would just set out the timeframe for her: partners house on market by X date, you will start to look at houses to purchase, and it will likely be X date that you will move into your purchased property. Remind her that the option of a room in your new home is open for her, but you won’t be continuing to waste money on rent because she wants to save.

You have had your daughter for 20 years and she's a good 'un.

You have had your bloke for about one year.

Do you really have to ask who to prioritise?

It’s a relatively new relationship and I can see DD’s concerns: if the relationship doesn’t work out you’ll both be moving yet again, and if you and she have spent a lot of her childhood moving from place to place she’ll be carrying a lot of anxiety about stability and security.

She’ll struggle to afford a house share if she only works part time currently. How feasible is her suggestion of living with her dad?

Yabu.
If he’s a good partner you 100% see a future with, he will be willing to wait for you to do right by your daughter. If he is at all against this, that’s a huge red flag.

It’s a brand new relationship which might not last. I wouldn’t be rushing to move in with him yet. Yes your DD is an adult so could move out and be independent but I equally think moving in with someone you’ve known less than a year is a bit nuts. I’d stay where you are for now. Why even rush to move in together? That’s when a relationship gets boring!

I think it's very early to move in together and certainly not with your daughter. You can't possibly know him well enough.

Regarding the heart condition, it's clearly significant if she can only work part time. Unless there was a reason why it would be of benefit for her to live independently, given that your relationship is relatively new and your poorly daughter has known little stability, I would prioritise her needs at this time.

How is it any better as OP will be paying towards her boyfriend’s mortgage instead of her landlord’s? She will have no ownership of the new house.

I think you should accommodate DD request. If you plan on spending the rest of your life with your partner what is it to wait a couple of years to ensure your daughter has the best start to an independent life. It would also be a good test of how understanding your partner is and accepting of the sacrfices a parent has to make for their DC at times.

The important thing, given her heart condition, is that you always provide a home for her should she need or want one, not that she has the right to dictate how long you live in your own home, or when you move in with your current partner.

Go ahead with the move. Maybe aim to find somewhere local, so she is near people and places that she has built a connection with, and can carry on working. If she doesn't agree, she can find a place to rent or move with you. Of course it is an upheaval, but she doesn't get to control your life choices at her own convenience.

I would wait, give her the best chance of setting herself up. She’s only 20 and with a heart condition that limits her work and therefore her ability to earn. The relationship is only a year old, things can change and you’d be on the move again.

Is there a reason why you’re keen to move in so quickly?

God I'm so torn here as it's nearly 50/50. My instinct is to stay alone with my daughter for longer. But I also agree with people saying I need to move on with my life and I'm not leaving her homeless. I am a litttle concerned it may be a bit soon for us as a couple though.

Thank you for all the constructive advice both ways.

Tbh, having read some other replies, I think people saying stay put have a point. It is early days with your partner. Why not say to her and to him that you'd like to wait a year and then start looking for a place together. By then you;ll know if you are truly compatible. She'll have had a year ot save hard and look for a suitable place. If either of them think this is unfair, then that's a red flag that they care more about their own happiness and convenience than yours, as that suggestion takes both of them into consideration.

That's what I thought. She would have to pay £600 a month if she did this.

Your life sounds like it’s been chaotic and for your daughter too.
she is telling you she wants some stability .
listen to that! She may be 19 but she’s still your daughter . Don’t pick a new bloke over her .