DH and I are planning to move back to England next year. I'm American, born and brought up in the US, although I came to England for university as it was much cheaper than studying in the States and dentistry was a more straightforward route here. I have dual citizenship through my mum.
DH is English and French but has always lived in England apart from holidays/visiting family in France. We have two DSs, one just turned 3 and the youngest is 1 month old.
We had originally planned to move back this year, but I fell pregnant and decided I wanted to have the baby in the US. There wasn't a medical reason for this I just wanted him born there as it makes the citizenship/passport side of things much easier. He would have been entitled to US citizenship if he'd been born in England too but this was simpler.
We currently live in San Francisco but are in England at the moment so DH's family can meet the baby. While we've been here, DH has also been having conversations about work and has now secured a permanent position in London for spring next year which makes the move much more realistic.I'm a dentist and am hoping to work again when DS2 is around a year old. We haven't even put our house in the US on the market yet so there is still quite a lot to sort out.
The original plan was that we'd stay with MIL and FIL for a few months when we move back. They have plenty of space they are happy for us to stay and financially it would make a huge amount of sense. We'd be able to save quite a bit while selling our house in the US and looking for somewhere to buy in England.
I've always got on well with MIL. I've known her for almost 20 years and we've never had any major falling out. She's generally been lovely to me and I have no doubt that she adores DH and the children. However, now that we're actually moving back and have children I'm starting to see things slightly differently.
She has quite a lot of opinions about how we do things. Nothing particularly outrageous on its own, but lots of little things. For example, she'll comment on what our eldest is eating, he is quite a good eater and just eats what we eat she wants to give him haribos and various other sweets, he has never had sweets I said no because he is 3, does not need that type of sugar, how much youngest is sleeping, whether DS2 is wearing enough clothes, what time we should be putting them to bed, whether we should be picking DS up when he cries etc.
The sort of things where you can smile and say "yes, maybe" and carry on doing what you're doing. I haven't really minded it because we only see them for relatively short periods of time.But now we're talking about living in their house for several months, I'm beginning to think that those little comments might become quite a lot when you're hearing them every day.We've also been looking at schools while we're here and DH and I have decided we'd like either an American or French school for the boys. MIL is very against this and thinks they should go to a British school. Again, she hasn't done anything terrible, but she has made it very clear that she thinks we're making the wrong decision and keeps raising the subject.
DH has basically said that ultimately it's my decision and that he will support me either way, but he has also said that it's my choice whether we stay with them or rent somewhere.And honestly, I'm starting to lean towards renting.
I'm still postpartum I only had DS2 at the beginning of August and I think part of this is that I just really want our own space. We will be moving countries, selling a house, DH starting a new job, I'll eventually be returning to work and we'll have a toddler and a newborn. The thought of doing all of that while living in someone else's home is suddenly making me feel quite claustrophobic.I don't want to spend several months feeling like I need to explain or defend our decisions about the children.
For example, if DS is having a tantrum and I deal with it differently to how MIL would, I don't want a discussion about it. If I decide the baby needs a nap and take him upstairs, I don't want someone commenting that I'm putting him down too much. If we decide the our youngest can only have a proper dinner no sweet treats unless it is homemade, I don't want it to become a conversation. None of these things are particularly important, but when you're living together I imagine they could become exhausting.And I don't want to damage what is actually quite a good relationship with MIL by living together and getting irritated with each other.
On the other hand, I feel incredibly guilty because staying with them would save us a lot of money. We're not struggling financially, but obviously having the ability to save while we're getting established back in England is very attractive. It also feels a bit ungrateful when they're offering to have us in their home and are genuinely excited about having the grandchildren nearby.
I don't want this to come across as "MIL is awful and I can't stand her", because that's really not the case. I've always liked her. I just think there is a difference between getting on well with someone when you see them regularly and spending several months living in their house with two small children.
I also think I'm only really starting to appreciate the boundary issue now that we're actually making decisions as parents rather than just visiting as their son and DIL.
DH has said it's completely my decision and that he'll back whatever I choose. Part of me thinks I should just suck it up for a few months, save the money and accept that there will be some irritating comments.
The other part of me thinks we're adults with our own children and our own family unit, and if we can afford to rent somewhere, why deliberately put ourselves into a situation where I already feel slightly uncomfortable?
So, AIBU to say that I'd rather rent somewhere for 12 months while we get ourselves sorted, even though it means spending money that we could otherwise save?
I don't want to fall out with MIL at all. If anything, that's part of why I'm thinking it might be better to have our own space.