AIBU to want to rent rather than live with my in-laws when we move back to England?

[ByLovingReader]

DH and I are planning to move back to England next year. I'm American, born and brought up in the US, although I came to England for university as it was much cheaper than studying in the States and dentistry was a more straightforward route here. I have dual citizenship through my mum.
DH is English and French but has always lived in England apart from holidays/visiting family in France. We have two DSs, one just turned 3 and the youngest is 1 month old.
We had originally planned to move back this year, but I fell pregnant and decided I wanted to have the baby in the US. There wasn't a medical reason for this I just wanted him born there as it makes the citizenship/passport side of things much easier. He would have been entitled to US citizenship if he'd been born in England too but this was simpler.

We currently live in San Francisco but are in England at the moment so DH's family can meet the baby. While we've been here, DH has also been having conversations about work and has now secured a permanent position in London for spring next year which makes the move much more realistic.I'm a dentist and am hoping to work again when DS2 is around a year old. We haven't even put our house in the US on the market yet so there is still quite a lot to sort out.
The original plan was that we'd stay with MIL and FIL for a few months when we move back. They have plenty of space they are happy for us to stay and financially it would make a huge amount of sense. We'd be able to save quite a bit while selling our house in the US and looking for somewhere to buy in England.

I've always got on well with MIL. I've known her for almost 20 years and we've never had any major falling out. She's generally been lovely to me and I have no doubt that she adores DH and the children. However, now that we're actually moving back and have children I'm starting to see things slightly differently.
She has quite a lot of opinions about how we do things. Nothing particularly outrageous on its own, but lots of little things. For example, she'll comment on what our eldest is eating, he is quite a good eater and just eats what we eat she wants to give him haribos and various other sweets, he has never had sweets I said no because he is 3, does not need that type of sugar, how much youngest is sleeping, whether DS2 is wearing enough clothes, what time we should be putting them to bed, whether we should be picking DS up when he cries etc.
The sort of things where you can smile and say "yes, maybe" and carry on doing what you're doing. I haven't really minded it because we only see them for relatively short periods of time.But now we're talking about living in their house for several months, I'm beginning to think that those little comments might become quite a lot when you're hearing them every day.We've also been looking at schools while we're here and DH and I have decided we'd like either an American or French school for the boys. MIL is very against this and thinks they should go to a British school. Again, she hasn't done anything terrible, but she has made it very clear that she thinks we're making the wrong decision and keeps raising the subject.
DH has basically said that ultimately it's my decision and that he will support me either way, but he has also said that it's my choice whether we stay with them or rent somewhere.And honestly, I'm starting to lean towards renting.

I'm still postpartum I only had DS2 at the beginning of August and I think part of this is that I just really want our own space. We will be moving countries, selling a house, DH starting a new job, I'll eventually be returning to work and we'll have a toddler and a newborn. The thought of doing all of that while living in someone else's home is suddenly making me feel quite claustrophobic.I don't want to spend several months feeling like I need to explain or defend our decisions about the children.

For example, if DS is having a tantrum and I deal with it differently to how MIL would, I don't want a discussion about it. If I decide the baby needs a nap and take him upstairs, I don't want someone commenting that I'm putting him down too much. If we decide the our youngest can only have a proper dinner no sweet treats unless it is homemade, I don't want it to become a conversation. None of these things are particularly important, but when you're living together I imagine they could become exhausting.And I don't want to damage what is actually quite a good relationship with MIL by living together and getting irritated with each other.

On the other hand, I feel incredibly guilty because staying with them would save us a lot of money. We're not struggling financially, but obviously having the ability to save while we're getting established back in England is very attractive. It also feels a bit ungrateful when they're offering to have us in their home and are genuinely excited about having the grandchildren nearby.

I don't want this to come across as "MIL is awful and I can't stand her", because that's really not the case. I've always liked her. I just think there is a difference between getting on well with someone when you see them regularly and spending several months living in their house with two small children.
I also think I'm only really starting to appreciate the boundary issue now that we're actually making decisions as parents rather than just visiting as their son and DIL.

DH has said it's completely my decision and that he'll back whatever I choose. Part of me thinks I should just suck it up for a few months, save the money and accept that there will be some irritating comments.

The other part of me thinks we're adults with our own children and our own family unit, and if we can afford to rent somewhere, why deliberately put ourselves into a situation where I already feel slightly uncomfortable?
So, AIBU to say that I'd rather rent somewhere for 12 months while we get ourselves sorted, even though it means spending money that we could otherwise save?

I don't want to fall out with MIL at all. If anything, that's part of why I'm thinking it might be better to have our own space.

Option C. DH sits down with his mum and tells her to knock it off with the parenting commentary and respect your decisions as a mum.

If you know there is an end in sight then it is doable and chances are you will be able to ignore the little comments. If it was long term no way!

He was born at the end of August, so we essentially have another couple of years before we need to make a final decision about school, although we have already been in touch with a few schools and are getting a feel for the options.
He has been going to nursery since he was 9 months, gradually from one day a week to now 4 days a week as a friend of ours in the States runs a private nursery, so he could potentially start school at four. At the moment, though, we're leaning more towards five, simply because his birthday is in the 3 days days of August and he'd be one of the youngest in his year, if not the youngest. We'd rather not rush him just because he technically can start at four he will be doing the same things he has been doing at nursery as starting nursery young helps them develop.

He is born in August, he turned 3 last month technically. We have been looking at schools as well as nurseries and been in touch with both schools and nurseries who have said we do have the choice of him starting sept 2027 or sept 2028 due to his birthday.

You don't need to decide until much later - but you really should try to put your DC name onto school lists. Primary places in London at the choices you are considering are oversubscribed, so do register, so you have options.

Off topic certainly but why would you want to leave California??

Your MIL is an idiot wanting to give your child sweets.

If you really want an American or French school you'll be restricted to living in proximity to one which might mean your in laws house is unsuitable for reasons of travelling time.

Being one academic year older than the rest of the class is ok. Being two years older isn't, so if he doesn't start an English Reception class at 4 you won't realistically have the option of him repeating a year in future. My advice is for nearly all children it's better to keep them with their age group at this stage and reserve the option for if there are problems in an exam year.

Only private and nursery/preschool operate pre-registration. For State schools op would need to apply by 15th January to be “on time” with a UK residential address , after that an application is considered “late” and processed after the on-time applications, reducing chances of a gaining a place at a popular, oversubscribed school. If you want to delay until 2028 it is worth checking in with Local Authority and asking which preschools will likely consider a place for a rising 5.

I skimmed the thread because I knew how I’d vote from the title alone. You need tour own family space. It’ll be enough of an adjustment for you moving so far

OMG fell asleep reading this. If you do nt want her stuffing your kids with haribos say no. Stand up yourself. Save some money then buy. I had to move in with in laws/parents over the years and its frustrating but its not forever.

For what it’s worth, why put yourselves through this? Be kind to yourself - and your husband. Rebuild your health and strength and bond as a family of four. If MIL already interferes with little things like Haribos imagine 24/7 in her home for an as yet undetermined of time is going to be like.

Honestly rent somewhere. I did the whole in laws living thing a few years ago and it was hard work. We all came out of in intact but I struggled a lot with the lack of personal space and them always being there seeing all our interactions with the kids. I was exhausted most evenings. We couldn’t have afforded to rent, if we could it would have been a no brainier. I think you’re unlikely to regret renting.

To enable a child to be bilingual would in my eyes be a real gift.

Only you know whether it’s a good idea or not. Dh and I and dc and ddog lived with my parents a few years ago (for 3 months) when we relocated back to our home country and our house sale fell through. It was grand and in lots of ways lovely! But my parents are pretty chilled.

Preserve your marriage, your relationship with your inlaws and your sanity and rent. It might be a pain in the ass to figure out renting but once it is done that's it - it isn't a day to day annoyance. Living with another family is hard. I suspect it would be hard for your in laws too. We spent a week on holidays with our adult children and then 2 of them stayed with us for another 10 days and honestly even though I would always offer them a place to stay and I love them and joke about them moving back - I was very glad to get my house back to ourselves and so was dh.

You say you have a good relationship with them generally, why not speak with MIL and voice your concerns?

Ask for her ideal and share your ideal and see if there is a way of meeting in the middle.

I agree with this.
I would be honest with MIL, telling her your concerns saying you don’t want to cause any upset to either of you just because you raise your children differently.
See how she takes this then decide.

Find a nice little air b and b in the area you want to move to and rent it for a few months

If you live with her while selling and buying a house.. you'll end up hating her if she's already not picking and undermining you

You could even see if a relocation package for hubs could be arranged to help with the cost Ps please work for the NHS and NHS dentist is so hard to find

I presume this is private school

Speaking as someone who has their own parents stay for several months at a time.... I can only warn you that all those little things will add up to drive you completely crazy if you live with them. They will not stop commenting or doing exactly as they have always done. You will have a total lack of privacy all the time.

My parents are the loveliest kindest people and I love them dearly. I also cannot wait for them to leave.

Just rent. I've got my DP's parents staying with us for a fortnight while their bathroom is being redone. I'm a week in and his mother has already driven me to join here so I can pretend I'm working and not have to listen to her opinions about how my house works. Breaking point was her interrupting a carpenter installing my new alcove cupboards in the living room to insist they weren't deep enough and needed to be redone. She's also made so many comments about the colour of my living room that I daren't leave the house for fear she'll repaint.

No, I think some state schools allow summer born children to start school a year later but this is only usually done if the child is late developing.

I would rent in the catchment area of the school you want to send the kids to (or nearby if not reliant on catchment) and where you eventually want to buy. That way DS can go to a nursery nearby and you're less reliant on exact buy and sell dates because you're already in the area where you want to stay permanently. Of course stay with the in-laws for a couple of weeks while you sort out the rental - if it's not possible to do this from the US - but no longer than that. It's also a good argument why you're not staying with them to save money because it would mean too many transitions in the childcare settings. Problem solved.

Americans speak a different language ?! 😜