I want a relationship with my parents that doesn’t involve my sister - AIBU?

[Endofanerainourtime]

I’m early 50s and have reached a point where I honestly don't know whether I'm being unreasonable, or whether I've just finally had enough.

I have an older sister also in her 50s who has had serious problems for many years, including a long history of drug addiction. At one point things were extremely bad and there were frightening incidents involving drugs, drug dealers, my parents' house being damaged, aggression towards my mum, rehab repeatedly failing, financial problems etc.
My parents have always been very involved in trying to help her. They are now in their early 80s and my sister lives with them and relies on them heavily financially/emotionally. They have always been very protective of her and tend to rescue her when things go wrong.

I have spent years being dragged into this. When my parents went away I was often expected to keep an eye on my sister. I've picked her up, searched for her, worried about her, lent her money when there were drug-related problems, had her at my house etc. My Mum also constantly talks about her when I speak to her and she rings them when we do have time together without her. There have been so many incidents over the years that I feel emotionally exhausted by it all. Recently something in me just seemed to switch off. When I hear about another problem with my sister, rather than feeling compassion, I feel numb and angry and think, here we go again.

She is also completely unable to take any criticism or challenge without going off the deep end. This has caused problems in multiple jobs and she has been through a number of them as a result. She can also be extremely nasty towards my mum when she is angry, but then will often retell what happened to my dad in a way that makes her the victim, and my dad tends to believe her version of events.

This is one of the things I find particularly difficult. I feel as though my mum gets the brunt of her behaviour, while my dad is then brought into it and ends up thinking my mum - or sometimes me - is the problem. I have spent years watching this dynamic play out and trying to stay out of it, but increasingly I feel completely exhausted by it.
The latest situation is that I told my parents that | want a relationship with them that doesn't revolve around my sister. I don't want to discuss her problems anymore. I don't want to be involved in monitoring her, rescuing her or being expected to accommodate everything around her.

also said that if she comes to my house and behaves badly or starts an argument, I will ask her to leave. I am not saying she can never come to my house. I am saying that I won't tolerate being treated badly in my own home.

My parents reacted very badly. They said I was being unreasonable, asked why I had "started all this now?” and repeatedly suggested I have counselling. My mum has become noticeably colder with me. My dad is also very angry and I've barely spoken to him.

The strange thing is that I don't actually want to fall out with my parents. They are old, I love them, and I don't want to waste whatever time we have left.
But I don't think I can go back to how things were before, where I felt I had to tread on eggshells around my sister and constantly manage everyone's feelings.

But I am struggling with the fact that my parents are colder with me and seem to think I've caused a family breakdown.

I'm particularly interested in whether people think I'm being unfair to my parents, given their age, and whether I should be making more effort to repair things or whether I should just allow everyone to be unhappy with me

This is dragging you down and they are enabling it. Stay firm and set your boundaries.

at the end of the day, they can’t cut you off because your sister won’t ever be in a position to support them, they need you (more than you need them…)

use this quiet power and make the choices you need to make.

you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped.

You haven't been unfair to your parents, they've been extremely unfair to you.

Why do they think YOU are being unreasonable? Is it because you are their only support and they want to offload to you perhaps? If so I would tell them to get counselling. Why do they think you need it?

Surely having a relationship with your parents doesn’t mean you have to involve a sibling - that sounds normal to me (although I don’t have any siblings so maybe easier for me to say).

Perhaps they foresee that it is going to cause problems for them?

Unfortunately your family have been caught in a tricky dynamic for years. You are finally rebelling against this way of being, because it's not working for you and probably never did.

You are completely right to assert boundaries and say what kind of relationship you do and don't want. It was unlikely that your parents were ever going to react well. Your compliance has been useful to them and they don't want to lose that. But it would come at a cost to you in terms of your emotional health.

Stand strong, hold the boundary (easier said than done). In all likelihood your parents will come to accept your position overtime but it might be rocky road to begin with.

*edited for spelling

Absolutely not. You have been very tolerant and supportive of your sister and you have now, belatedly, put boundaries in place. Good for you.
You have told your parents how you feel and what for you is acceptable. If they can't accept it then that is on them. You should not have to make yourself miserable so they can be happy.
Their age is irrelevant. Hopefully your sister will step up and take care of them should they need it but I wouldn't be holding my breath for that to happen.

You've set your boundaries and all you can do is try to stick to them. You may not be entirely successful but do your best.

I completely agree that at their ages, you don't want to waste the remaining time with them talking about your sister, so don't allow this to turn into a rift. Ultimately, you do have the quiet power as @WildLeader says, they can't make you continue to rescue her. Bluntly, you may not be able to completely cut ties with her until your parents are no longer here, but you can start stepping back by changing the subject when they talk about her, decline to monitor her, etc.

Given their age, yes. I wouldn't say unreasonable but the time to have this conversation with them was many years ago.

Your parents must live in constant fear and I think they must need you.

I may be biased as my own parents both died young.

My parents reacted very badly. They said I was being unreasonable, asked why I had "started all this now?” and repeatedly suggested I have counselling. My mum has become noticeably colder with me. My dad is also very angry and I've barely spoken to him.

Because your action highlights that they are enabling, that without you, its all on them. Without you blindly accepting, it shows that their acceptance has cracks, that sister isnt angelic.

Of course its your fault, its on you, just tow the line as you always have done.. thats easier than getting the sister in line. You're easier to control, you're the path of least resistance.

Let them. What you have stated isnt an unreasonable boundaries - that you wont be disrespected, that you wont put up with bad behaviour, that you wont keep rescuing someone who takes no responsibility, no accountability, and makes no change.

Not unreasonable at all.

In a way, it doesn’t matter what we think, it is what your parents think that matters, since it is them who you want a relationship with. Maybe the question to ask is more how you might manage to repair that relationship, since that is your goal.

FWIW, I agree with your boundaries. But your parents are silent generation or before so they probably see the whole family as having a duty to one another. That’s the gap you need to bridge.

I feel for you. I don't think you're being unfair to your parents but I would guess they are unlikely to change or see things differently after a whole lifetime of this enmeshed dynamic with your sister. My experience is that when you hold up a mirror to people they will blame you, the messenger, rather than acknowledge what you say is true.

Keep away as much as you can, change the subject when you can, deal directly with your sister when she visits and tell her any bs and she has to leave your house. This will get translated as Endofanera is being nasty, of course it will. Build up your life outside of your family so you have other people to care for you and understand your point of view.

I don't think you are being unreasonable.

I can see that your parents have fallen into this way of life that has become their normality, but the reality is it's not normal.

They are probably also worrying about what will happen to your sister when they are no longer around and probably just assumed you would step in, so your recent attempt to distance yourself from your sister has probably come as a complete and unwelcome surprise to them.

But this is their way of life, it's not yours and neither should it be.

Perhaps you will have to retreat a bit on them "not talking about" your sister - do they have anything else to talk about?

But with regards to how your sister behaves, especially in your own home, then you would be completely reasonable to continue with the zero tolerance approach.

Sounds like they want you to care for her when they're gone or getting older and take the brunt off them. This is a them problem for simply allowing your sister to behave like that towards them. You are allowed boundaries and you owe her nothing.

They’ll get used to it. You don’t have to make any announcements about ejecting people from your house if they are rude to you, just do it. You don’t have to state you won’t support sister doing whatever, just do it. You do need them to stop leaning on you and talking endlessly about sisters problems, and you have. They are doing that and it seems less warm and enmeshed because it is. I f you want more time with them away from sister invite them. Just start living the way you want it to be.

@GoodGirlFaith Yes, that's why I've advised the OP to be careful not to allow a rift -do her best to stick to her boundaries, but if she's not entirely successful (e.g., if they sometimes do still talk about her sister), move the conversation on, but don't get too annoyed.

Once parents are in their 80's, our time with them is limited and the last thing we want to do is have a falling-out. The OP can completely cut ties with her sister in the future.

I think I’m really angry with them, if I’m honest. I poured my heart out about how years of her behaviour and everything that’s happened has affected me, and instead of hearing what I was saying, they just blamed me and made me feel like I was the problem. I’m struggling to move on from that because it’s hurt me more than I think they realise. I wasn’t trying to attack them or cause an argument - I was trying to explain how I feel and why I’ve reached the point I have.

Although their suggestion of counselling was probably made for different reasons, given your latest updates maybe it might be a good idea?

It will give you the chance to discuss how you feel with someone unconnected and not emotionally involved. It will hopefully allow you the clarity of knowing what feels right and the confidence to go with what is right for you.

I think YANBU to want to detach from your sister, she is not your responsibility. But you can’t expect your parents to see it your way. They probably use up all their capacity for care on her, see you as the strong capable one, and are not willing to have their worldview upended. I don’t think they will ever see it from your point of view or understand the impact of parentifying you. From now on I wouldn’t try to get them to validate your feelings. Just do as you think best for you. Invite your sister over only when you feel like it, tell her to leave when she starts getting unbearable and just say “oh that’s nice/oh that’s a shame” when your parents talk about her and switch the conversation to something they will want to talk about.

They aren’t going to change at 80. Take the counselling, keep your boundaries. We don’t know what happened to your sister, and it’s possible your parents feel a lot of guilt, which might be driving their behaviour. Doubling that guilt to include the impact on you might be too much for them to cope with. I’m not saying this is right. I’m just giving you a possible theory that might explain things and make you feel less like this is about you.

Your parents are also used to you (tacitly) supporting all that they do for your sister. They could talk to you and know that at some level you would support them, maybe even encourage them.

Now they have lost that "support". I would doubt that there are many other people in their lives they can talk so openly about your sister and "knowing" you wouldn't judge them for their decisions. Maybe they are even thinking what will happen to her after they pass (sorry) - perhaps they had been assuming you would take all responsibility.

Maybe it's making them think twice. Having a child with so many issues must be hard - but that should not be your problem and I agree with you pulling away.

I suspect that they are so used to this being their life that they just don't see how it could be possibly any different.

They probably feel a bit betrayed because this is their life and they expect you just to be 'in it' with them. But as a more neutral person, you can see how much better life could be for them, and you.

I imagine that every aspect of their life must be about keeping your sister alive and well.

I feel for you, and them.

I've been in a very similar position OP. In my case, my parents' lives had revolved around my sibling's issues and wants for so long that the lost sight of what a normal family relationship looked like. There was also an underlying unspoken fear that if sibling faced any sort of difficulty, upset or stress they would return to drugs etc. Our parents would go to any lengths to try to prevent that and I was expected to do the same.

I think you are absolutely correct to try to put some boundaries in place now, and stick to them. I never fully addressed the situation with my family but for many years just distanced myself a bit. For me, things came to a head when DF died and DM became unwell. It's been made very clear that they all expected me and DH to take care of everything for Mum and also provide the same level of 'support' for sibling that our parents did. I won't even consider doing that, so we are having similar arguments to the ones you describe OP- but at a time when DM is very vulnerable. My advice to you, OP, is to stick to your boundaries. If your parents won't accept that it's not your fault and it will be better than facing the prospect of having similar arguments with one of them when they are alone and desperate for you to step in any become 'mother' to your sister.

If you can organise time with your parents without your sister being there, go for it. If you make that time really enjoyable for them with things that might distract them from their problem with your sister they might start to welcome the break.

Maybe even say something like, as nothing is going to change the problem why not relax and have a break from it for a couple of hours. It will still be there when they get home. You could also say that if anyone was going to be able to resolve her problems it would have been them. There’s nothing you can do that they haven’t already tried. They might gradually realise that your sister is not your problem to fix and that they actually have another daughter who is a pleasure to be with rather than a third parent to your sister.

They are unlikely to stop venting about her straight away so perhaps when they do, try to focus on the numbness you now feel rather than the anger and grey rock them. Your anger is completely understandable but I think the only person it affects is you and it will eat away at you. That’s easy to say, I know. Maybe you can get some help from a support group for people who are affected by a family member’s addiction. Al Anon does this for alcoholism. They might be able to steer you to the right resource.

This ^
I know it’s easier to say than to follow but it’s the only way considering their age. They wont accept your point of view now after all these years.

Thanks for the replies it’s really useful getting different perspectives as I feel completely bogged down. I’m just finding it so hard as since having the conversation with them about having a relationship with them that doesn’t involve her I have invited them over to mine. They quite nastily told me my sister was coming too. And my Mum has mentioned her in practically every conversation I have had with her. They have basically completely ignored my feelings. It just makes me more resentful towards my sister and sad that I will never have the relationship I want with them.

I do however want a relationship with them but can see it’s going to have to be their way as they are completely unable to see my perspective.

It is not unreasonable at all to want a relationship with your parents that doesn’t revolve around your sister… but unfortunately they all sound so enmeshed that it probably won’t go well. They would have to admit to themselves just how bad things are… it’s easier for them to imagine that you’re causing a problem.