I want a relationship with my parents that doesn’t involve my sister - AIBU?

[Endofanerainourtime]

I’m early 50s and have reached a point where I honestly don't know whether I'm being unreasonable, or whether I've just finally had enough.

I have an older sister also in her 50s who has had serious problems for many years, including a long history of drug addiction. At one point things were extremely bad and there were frightening incidents involving drugs, drug dealers, my parents' house being damaged, aggression towards my mum, rehab repeatedly failing, financial problems etc.
My parents have always been very involved in trying to help her. They are now in their early 80s and my sister lives with them and relies on them heavily financially/emotionally. They have always been very protective of her and tend to rescue her when things go wrong.

I have spent years being dragged into this. When my parents went away I was often expected to keep an eye on my sister. I've picked her up, searched for her, worried about her, lent her money when there were drug-related problems, had her at my house etc. My Mum also constantly talks about her when I speak to her and she rings them when we do have time together without her. There have been so many incidents over the years that I feel emotionally exhausted by it all. Recently something in me just seemed to switch off. When I hear about another problem with my sister, rather than feeling compassion, I feel numb and angry and think, here we go again.

She is also completely unable to take any criticism or challenge without going off the deep end. This has caused problems in multiple jobs and she has been through a number of them as a result. She can also be extremely nasty towards my mum when she is angry, but then will often retell what happened to my dad in a way that makes her the victim, and my dad tends to believe her version of events.

This is one of the things I find particularly difficult. I feel as though my mum gets the brunt of her behaviour, while my dad is then brought into it and ends up thinking my mum - or sometimes me - is the problem. I have spent years watching this dynamic play out and trying to stay out of it, but increasingly I feel completely exhausted by it.
The latest situation is that I told my parents that | want a relationship with them that doesn't revolve around my sister. I don't want to discuss her problems anymore. I don't want to be involved in monitoring her, rescuing her or being expected to accommodate everything around her.

also said that if she comes to my house and behaves badly or starts an argument, I will ask her to leave. I am not saying she can never come to my house. I am saying that I won't tolerate being treated badly in my own home.

My parents reacted very badly. They said I was being unreasonable, asked why I had "started all this now?” and repeatedly suggested I have counselling. My mum has become noticeably colder with me. My dad is also very angry and I've barely spoken to him.

The strange thing is that I don't actually want to fall out with my parents. They are old, I love them, and I don't want to waste whatever time we have left.
But I don't think I can go back to how things were before, where I felt I had to tread on eggshells around my sister and constantly manage everyone's feelings.

But I am struggling with the fact that my parents are colder with me and seem to think I've caused a family breakdown.

I'm particularly interested in whether people think I'm being unfair to my parents, given their age, and whether I should be making more effort to repair things or whether I should just allow everyone to be unhappy with me

In my family it's my mother that's the issue. She has always been abusive. I've noticed that no one wants to confront the problem person, they always start arguing amongst themselves and trying to put the blame on each other when one person no longer wants to go along with it

I would reduce how often I see them. I would visit them so at least then you can leave when you want and not be stuck with an unwanted sister visitor. I would change the conversation if they start talking about your sister on the phone

I've seen this that explains the dynamic

www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/77w8lf/dont_rock_the_boat/

I am very sorry for you, OP. I have an older son, in his 20’s, who I will no longer allow to live with us as his problems (similar to your sister’s) had totally taken over, with DS2 being overlooked and fading into the background.
Now DS1 is living elsewhere, there is so much less drama and conflict; DS2 has really come out of his shell and spent much more time with us.
Please keep your distance from your sister for the sake of your own sanity. Your parents are too entrenched. Let them come to you and make contact with you now, while you have a breather from the toxic family dynamic.

This was my thought too. How difficult for them to wrap their heads around you NOT being there for your sister when they die. It must break their hearts

HOWEVER , I do not think that you SHOULD be there for your sister. No way. But for your parents to realise this is going to happen, must be devastating for them

On a side note.....have you considered what will happen to the house when your parents pass?

You need to make it very clear to them that you will not be taking her into your home or supporting her financially when they are gone.

It sounds like the dam filled up and burst for you, OP, totally understandable.

It's common for parents to pick one child as the vessel to hold all their expectations and frustrations.

I would give it a week or two then invite your mum and dad out to a neutral place like a cafe or restaurant.

But be firm in your boundary that you just want it to be with them, and not your sister. If they insist that your sister must come, then I would leave it. And then try again in a few months, but once, again, only for you and your parents, not your sister.

Reminds me of MIL and SIL. SIL has various MH issues and has battled addiction over the years, been in trouble with the police etc. She’s currently in a DV relationship with another addict and they have a toddler who is an absolute brute already (learning from dad no doubt) plus he has kids from a previous relationship who now live with them and they have SEN. Their whole life is one big Jeremy Kyle drama and MIL gets dragged into it constantly. She’s always helping them out with money, childcare, food shops etc. She complains to DH about it but he says she should stop and she never does. We’ve both started to think she enjoys the drama to an extent.

That could be the case with your parents in a weird way OP. They enjoy the fact they have one child who is still sort of dependent on them so they haven’t been left with an empty nest. Some people are like that. They also might thrive on the drama and chaos she brings because it’s their normal.

I don't think they will change at their age but you can change how you do things. Don't talk to your parents about your sister, if they talk about her change the subject or end the conversation. Limit involvement with your sister and again don't talk to your parents about why you are doing it, just do it. Try to starve the 'sister topic' of attention. They may be priming you to take over their role and are angry you are not just a robot who can just do this to their specifications.

I'm so pleased, @Endofanerainourtime that you've finally ran out of patience. I'm sad for you re your parents, but I could see you being a carer for all three of them in the future. You'd have no life of your own.
No good speaking to them on the 'phone if your mum's going to be bringing your sister into the conversation all the time, no good inviting them to yours if they're bringing your sister.
I'd send them a nice little card just saying very, very briefly, what you've told us. They can either think about it & come to the conclusion that you do indeed have a point, or they'll mesh with your sister even more. I'm sorry it's come to this, but you aren't fairy godmother for the three of them. Hugs.

I do feel really sad for you. Playing favourites is ugly and it's what they've done, with the added kicker that you've been penalised for NOT having a mess of a life.

👏🏻
And they will certainly, in the future, need you more than you need them

For now, all you can do is manage your own behaviour and reactions. So if they talk about your sister, just nod along or if possible change the subject. Try and visit them far more than vice versa so you don't have your sister misbehaving towards you in your own home. Just detach internally. That's all you can feasibly do if you don't want a fallout with elderly parents, and I can understand why you don't.

I'm really sorry they didn't listen when you spoke honestly to them though, and you have every right to feel extremely hurt about that.

Grey rock as much as you can. Just say ‘that’s nice’ or ‘oh dear’ and change the subject to the weather etc.

I would seek counselling though, it will help you (but not in the way your mum thinks!)

We have a similar dynamic, and I got to the point I think you’re at now around a year, year and a half ago.

Fundamentally my parents think that I’m cruel, and abdicating my responsibility to my sister, and abandoning them, and also that I’m unfair and don’t see her good points.

The big improvement for me came when I accepted that they can think that, and I don’t need to try and convince them of my viewpoint.

I don’t control what they think, any more than they control my actions. I’ve found it very freeing to just acknowledge that’s what they think, acknowledge that I disagree, and point out that actually my opinions about my life are more important than theirs.

They can think whatever they want, and I can do whatever I want. Right now that means having a very limited relationship with my sister.

It’s been a difficult year, and at times we’ve had almost no contact. But the relationship is at least more honest now, rather than all pretending everything is great, and it’s made much clearer to my sister that she really really cannot rely on me to fix her messes when our parents aren’t able to. There have been some small signs of her taking more responsibility, which I find encouraging.

I really recommend therapy, even if all you do is vent about how angry you are that can be very valuable.

Your parents have enabled her behaviour for many, many years. It's become a dysfunction pattern.

I think it's healthy of you to set boundaries. You need to keep them. Do not continue this dysfunction. If they visit and bring your sister, no visit happens. If they talk about her and won't change the subject, they leave.

You parents don't want you to have boundaries because they want to vent to you to offload their frustration and because you are their choice to continue their enabling role when they become unable to. Setting boundaries cuts both of those off.

Read Boundaries by Henry Cloud. It's got some references to Christianity but not overly so. Get therapy.

The big improvement for me came when I accepted that they can think that, and I don’t need to try and convince them of my viewpoint.

@PoloThePolarBear Yes! Different situation with my Dad, but once I accepted that he'd never recognize my viewpoint, it became so much easier to deal with him. I let what he says/does wash over me now, because I know that long term, I'm going to make my own decisions, as will the OP about her sister.

Three of my Dad's friends have died in the last year, so I prefer to mentally detach from his expectations/criticisms rather than fall out with him or not speak for a while. I wouldn't want to lose him while we were on bad terms.

Oh dear I’m so sorry, this is so unfair to you. Realistically at their age, their ability to help her is going to decline. They will almost certainly look to you to fill that gap. Now is definitely the time to create that distance.
The most likely outcome is their health begins to fail, so you do the majority of care and sorting things out for them. Then when one of them passes, the survivor will expect you to care for them AND sibling. Then finally when your second parent passes, most of their assets including the family home will be left to sibling because ‘she needs it more’.
It is very difficult because clearly they’re not going to let you have a relationship with them without sibling. You need to decide where your red lines are given that fact. Do not expect them to change. I’m pretty sure they will break all contact with you before they permit you an independent relationship. Decide what you can live with given their age so you don’t have regrets once they are gone.
Personally, I would start with a red line that whatever you do for your parents, you refuse any kind of care or support for sibling going forwards. (There will likely be increasing demands to help ‘them’ which are actually demands to help them help her. Eg asking for money towards something they ‘need but cannot afford’ but only because they are funding sibling instead)

Surely there’s an elephant in the room, namely they’re reaching the end of the time they can take responsibility for her and this is likely to fall to you.
Is this why you’ve suddenly started to feel strongly that you want to separate yourself from her and why they’ve asked you why you’re bringing it up now and why they’re now cold towards you?

@SixtySomething I think you have hit the nail on the head. I was feeling more and more fearful of having to look after her when my parents are no longer able to. I was feeling angry with them for allowing her to be completely reliant on them without thinking/ignoring the long term consequences and probably assuming I would pick up the pieces.
I don’t anymore though. Once anything happens I will have nothing to do with her.

Your parents are as addicted to rescuing her as much as she is addicted to drugs.. you’ve shone a light on this and when someone exits the drama triangle, the dramatics try to draw you back in. The best way to do this exit is quietly. Just say you love them all but that it’s Groundhog Day and you don’t wish to discuss addiction related issues every time you meet.

your parents are enabling your sisters addiction and they can’t see it.

This is hard for you, OP, and I am sorry for you. I suspect that your parents reacted as badly as you described because they know deep down that you're right, and they don't want to be reminded of what a negative impact your sister's behaviour has had on you. Stick to your position on this.

So when your parents told you your sister would be over coming too, what did you respond?
Was it “no she’s not, because I’ve already explained that isn’t happening” and if not, why not?
Your parents have absolutely no interest in your feelings or emotional wellbeing, they only care about you continuing to play your role in their toxic set up.
It doesn’t suit your parents for anything to change, so unless you develop a backbone and some firm boundaries, nothing ever will.
I understand they are in their 80s but they don’t sound like they are kind, loving, considerate parents towards you.
Consider whether you can handle another potential 15 years or more of pandering to please everyone else.
If your parents won’t respect your boundaries and wellbeing needs, does that not change your opinion of them and their relationship with you?

Your sister sounds like she has significant covert narcissistic tendencies and your parents are her main source of supply and control. The problem is that these relationships are very very difficult to untangle, and it's complicated by the fact that as parents, our instinct is to protect our children and see the best in them, even when they are adults.

So much of the dynamic you're referring to here we see often in relationships where the (Narcissistic) man behaves as your sister does and his (female) partner finds it very very difficult to extricate herself [I have some theories on why in romantic relationships this is dominated by narcissistic men and why in parent to child or child to parent versions it's dominated by narcissistic women but we'll leave that for now].

I believe it's even harder for a parent of a narcissit or a child of a narcissist to extricate themselves. And as there's some suggestion that to a large extent narcissistic behaviour is the result of the child's brain not maturing "normally" often as a reult of trauma, I can see how this becomes even more complicated in the case of your parents and your sister.

As someone else said - you can't get them to see your perspective so you have to do what it is necessary ot protect yourself and, more than anything, accept that they will not like it. You can't change their minds or viewpoints.

i’m sorry you are going through this. the people that are supposed to love and support you unconditionally are letting you down.

i think counselling is a good idea. but not to help you, actually to help them. perhaps you could frame it as family therapy. when actually it’s more about overcoming them making bad decisions and infantilising your sister and helping them be more supportive to both of you.

ie “mum/dad ive thought about what youve said and im going to go to counselling. will you come with me please?”. This makes it look like you need them which will hopefully get them there. However they might be resistant “no we are fine dear you go alone, your sister needs is on weekdays” blah blah shite.

meanwhile you make an appointment and speak to the counsellor and see if she could recommend a strategy to support you but also help them navigate this.

honestly i dont know if they will change as they apparently like to be Rescuers and Enablers for your sister and it’s likely any type of resistance thinking or new strategies will not go down well with them.

i reckon thwy will leave your sister the house when they die and you'll get nowt. “but it’s her home dear”. they have failed as patents to show you kids equal love as they’ve been too wrapped up in your sisters problems but they cannot see it.

im sorry op. it sucks. :-(