ds school refusing i feel out of my depth

[noschool00]

I dont even know how to write this tbh its all a bit of a mess. DS15 came out as bi when he was 13 then later said he was gay. fine. honestly fine. never had a problem with it at all, ive supported him and always have. He keeps telling me ive got a problem with him being gay and I havent.

But now im apparently homophobic. He has even told his school im homophobic. Which is great.

Today was another meeting with head of year and education welfare because he hasnt been to school at all this year and barely went last year either. Last year was basically a handful of days, then reduced timetable, which he agreed to, then it was why cant I do this instead, why cant I come in at this time, why do I have to do that, why cant I only do x etc etc and then he wouldnt go anyway.

I honestly dont know what they expect me to do now because school are threatening a fine if he doesnt start attending. I have tried getting him in. I have. He just refuses.

Anyway today he wouldnt stay in the meeting either. He was saying he wasnt staying, wanted to go home, wouldnt talk to them. In the end he did stay but they put him in isolation. Now hes decided that because he technically went into school today he should have all his devices back.

I said no.

And thats kicked everything off again. He spends basically his whole life online. phone, laptop, fanfic, talking to people he doesnt know, gay fanfic constantly, and ive found hes been watching very violent and explicit porn. Im not putting details on here but its not appropriate for a 15 year old and it has really worried me.

So ive taken the devices. Apparently because im homophobic.

I keep saying it isnt because hes gay. If he was straight and doing exactly the same thing I would still take them. He doesnt seem to hear that.

Hes very verbally aggressive with me as well. Swearing, shouting, getting in my face, telling me im a terrible mum. Hes smashed things up when hes been angry before. sometimes I honestly just stand there thinking what am I actually supposed to do.

And when I take the devices he makes threats about killing himself. Obviously I take that seriously. Of course I do. But I cant have it being that every time I set a boundary this happens because then I dont know how im supposed to parent him at all.

And yes I know hes struggling. I KNOW. We have tried. School counselling was offered but the counsellor is only there one day a week and DS was never in on that day. So that went nowhere. Early Help said they cant do anything. CAMHS refused the referral.

School say theyre worried. Now education welfare are involved and theres talk of fines. And I am just thinking what exactly am I meant to do. I cant physically make him go in.

Today I was sat in that meeting and he was basically saying im homophobic and I wanted to scream because this is not about that. I dont care if hes gay. I care that hes 15 and not going to school and talking to random people online and watching stuff he shouldnt be watching and spending every waking minute online and becoming more aggressive at home. Thats what im worried about.

But he has told school im homophobic so now im also worrying that school think thats why hes not going in or that im somehow causing all of this. Im not.

I am exhausted. Really exhausted. Hes upstairs now asking for his phone back. Ive said no. Hes calling me controlling again.

I dont want to give it back. But im also scared because I know how he reacts when I take it. I feel like whatever I do is wrong.

If I give it back, im worried about what hes doing online. If I dont, im worried about what hes going to do because hes already making threats. And school are saying he has to attend or I could be fined.

How am I meant to get him there when he wont go.

Sorry this is all over the place. I genuinely cant think straight tonight. I dont even know what im asking really.

Just what would you actually do because I feel completely out of my depth with him now.

This sounds horrific for you, so sorry youre going through it. My immediate is dont give in.

Dont return the devices tonight: Yielding to aggressive outbursts or suicide threats to get a phone back teaches him that threats are an effective tool to get his way.

Respond to self-harm/suicide threats with emergency protocols, not negotiations: If he threatens suicide when denied a device, treat it strictly as a medical emergency. Tell him calmly: "I take your safety very seriously. If you are feeling unsafe and expressing suicidal thoughts, I have to call 999 / Crisis Team right now." and ring 999. This at least teaches him he cant manipulate you through fear.

Has he got a diagnosis? He could be neurodivergent and be struggling with the school setting from a sensory overwhelm perspective. And the anxiety of being neurodivergent means possible wanting to control everything in order to feel safe again. The reason I suggest this is he presents very similarly to similar neurodivergent children I have taught (and some similarities with my own child).

Do you have any support in real life? Friends and family?

Why did CAMHS refuse to help - what was their reasoning? And what did education welfare say to you about how to get him in school and that at age 15 you cannot physically make him?

This he’s bullying and abusing you with his behaviour

I don't think he should have the devices at all really. Or maybe for a short time after school each day if he attends.

If he is verbally aggressive and damages property then it might help you to call the police. He has to learn that his behaviour isn't acceptable and also police can help to trigger the need for support.

Who else lives in the family home?

exactly, he needs to realise his aggression and his manipulation doesnt work. if he is aggressive or abusive, 999. if he threatens suicide; 999.

Dont teach him that his tactics work

if he is neurodivergent or has any additional needs? you can make a parental request for an EHCP. Is the SENCO involved?

The school could consider alternative provision and engage your son in learning bit possibly off site to build a relationship and then slowly encourage him back onto the school site. In our council we have inclusion workers that will work with children who are at risk of exclusion.

i don’t understand why the school out your son into isolation?

Fuck that. I would smash the devices up and chuck them in the bin.

You aren’t out of your depth. This is a really tough situation that isn’t easy to resolve. It’s going to have to be an hour by hour , step by step job day by day job. Dont beat yourself up - it would be tough for anyone.

Dont be intimidated by the fines. It’s just something they have to say as it might ‘work’ with some families.

DS has found an angle ‘you are homophobic’ etc. But he’s wrong, he’s just being a kid and flinging out insults to try and get what he wants. He’s obviously not happy at school - it makes sense he’d like to avoid it but even so he just can’t. Stay absolutely firm knowing that he is wrong about this and don’t feel bad. He doesn’t need a phone to be gay !! People have been gay longer than phones have been necessary. Let him tell the school what he likes - again just don’t worry as you can put forward your view.

But as you say he needs to go to school. Hold firm about the devices. He can’t be off school online. It’s just not an option.

If it got as far as a fine I would sell the devices to pay it.

This! 100%.

hes not diagnosed with anything. I dont believe hes ND either tbh. I know people will probably tell me im wrong but I dont see that with him and school havent suggested it either.

CAMHS basically just said they couldnt help because they are so overstretched. Thats pretty much all the explanation I got. They didnt offer anything else instead.

Education welfare just said I need to try and get him in. I said I cant physically make him go in if hes refusing and they just said to keep trying and that attendance needs to improve. Which I KNOW. I know he needs to be in school. I dont need them to tell me that.

But when he is refusing and shouting at me and making threats I dont know what they expect me to actually do.

He is not going to kill himself OP.

Don’t give him back the devices. What area are you in? Are there any LGBTQ+ charities? In our area (back of beyond Devon) we have two. They give 1:1 support and mentorship and also they do LGBTQ+ youth groups. One is the Intercom Trust, the other is Proud2be. The intercom trust has a helpline you could call. They are South West based but are likely to try and help or signpost to a similar organisation in your locality. Give them a google.

Honestly, I would ignore school for now and take things right back to basics with him. Connect - do walks out and about, go to the cinema, go to the local RSPCA and take a dog for a walk. Entice him (not with devices but with other things he likes or connection based activities) to go to any LGBTQ+ groups.

IMO He needs connection with you, he needs to know about who he is, and he needs real life (not online) friends and mentors, including importantly, gay ones.

He needs to know he lives by your rules, you are the parent and what you say goes.

Show this by removing all devices. Let him kick off - don’t engage with his tantrums. If however, you feel he will hurt himself or worse, call 999. Hopefully it never gets this far.

Stand firm on the devices, until he realises you are deadly serious about this. Eventually, tell him, the only way to get his privileges back is to attend school everyday. This is the rule and you will not budge on this.

Did he ever have friends in school? Was he bullied when he came out?

When you’ve spoken to him, why does he not want to go to school?
in terms of the devices, personally I would take away any unsupervised access to the internet until he can be trusted to act responsibly. If he uses a laptop for school work he has to do it in the same room as you.
In terms of going to school I would tell him about the potential fine and that to pay for it you will need to sell his devices/games consoles. This behaviour needs a hard line in the sand

Can you try some some reverse psychology?

He says "I won't go to school ". You say " Fine. Stay home and be bored. Because you are not going to get your devices back anytime soon".

He has power over you as you care about his education. However, there are ways to get education later in life.

You can't control his behaviour, you can only control your response.

The school are going what they are meant to be doing. Can pay the fine to get them off your back and get it over and done with? They don't seem to understand your situation or offers omething workable. You might as well learn to ignore them too

I don't know if this is the answers you are looking for. However reverse psychology has worked for me before. The trick is to really mean it and stand your ground and don't expect quick results

This is extremely bad. The devices are the issue here and whatever he’s watching and doing on them, that’s what is causing all of this behaviour and it’s fueling his self confidence issues.

From all of the above, the corn is the worst issue here ……….. 15 and he sounds like he has an addiction to it. There’s so much information out there confirming what this does to the developing brain.

School won't think you are homophobic if you explain to them that you are not, and you've stopped him watching explicit content because it's explicit, not because it's homosexual. Schools are well versed in the abilities of teenagers to take offence to the slightest thing that threatens their autonomy in any way. Try to see it exactly the same as if he was saying "You just hate me and want to ruin my life" - you and the school and every other adult know that is not the case. Try to breathe when he is saying these things, you'll get your chance to talk.

You know you are not homophobic so don't let that worry you. It comes across in your post like it is worrying you, and I don't think you need to.

It is not controlling to remove a child's phone. He is not an adult, it is actually your property. Stick to your guns, stick to what you have said. I do think it is a good idea to be clear though - if you've said that he can have his devices back if he attends school, then stipulate for how many days. I would not take them off him for being in isolation - don't move the goalposts. OTOH if you've taken them because of the content he is using them to access, that's different anyway.

Could you look into how to get parental controls onto the internet/laptop/his phone - Google Family Link for Android, Apple Parental Controls, Microsoft Family - all of these can put time limits and prevent your son from installing apps without approval.

To block adult content, your ISP should be able to help with this, also the phone network provider, they should both have blockers for adult content, and if that is not enough because he's using a VPN or whatever to get around it, see if you can hire a local tech person. There are also paid parental control software type things like Qustodio.

I think personally I would worry less about him spending time reading fanfic - even though it can be rude, at least it's not violent imagery, and it tends to be obviously fantasy. And the forums and general online content is OK as long as time limits are respected. It's not ideal if he is prioritising online socialising over RL, but I think focus on eliminating access to adult content, and then look at time spent online vs RL as a secondary issue. Perhaps you can find him a local in-person youth LGBTQ+ support group? Or some other supportive acts like buying him the "Heartstopper" novels or whatever is the current in thing. Just one thing at a time whatever it is.

The school and the welfare officers know that you cannot work miracles and you probably can't pick him up and bring him to school in his pyjamas, but as long as you are trying something they are usually happy. Don't stress that they want you to do something you can't - they don't. Keep communicating.

See if you can be sent on a CPV course (child to parent violence) they are good, and help you learn how to set boundaries/use consequences without needing to use physical force or intimidation to "win" (because with mothers and sons there is often a point that they are stronger than you). Your GP may be able to advise on this if the school can't refer directly.

Just basically find 1-2 practical points you can pick up to work on and give that a go, see if it helps. Try not to get stuck in all the things you can't control because there are things that you can.

You have my full sympathy this sounds bloody awful.
You are absolutely right. Do not bend!!!
Hes 15 and knows nothing about the world.
You are absolutely correct that porn is not acceptable at 15- how is he watching this??!!
I thought this was exactly why the age checks were brought in.

Can the police help you with this part?? It’s illegal because he’s a minor surely. It’s also highly likely the people he is talking to are not who they say they are. Plus the illicit images of himself if he’s a minor..

School sound a bit useless. Can’t they give any more support? Social worker? No mention of Dad- what help have you got?

you sound like an excellent mother and I wish you all the best - I hope it improves. Know that what you are doing is right xxxx

Further to the earlier message ... he says "you are homophobic". You say "you are right, I am homophobic".

You obviously need to look out for signs of suicide ideation and self-harm . Zero Suicide Alliance charity has some really good suicide awareness training

I hope it helps

@BertieBotts what wonderful advice. I felt calmer just reading your post!!!

@noschool00 Just sending love & strength, you can & will get through this.

Actually this happened to me when I was acting up and way out of order around this age. I said some really way out of order things and my parents smashed up my stack system (phones didn’t exist).
yes it taught me a lesson. Yes I adjusted my behaviour .
No, it didn’t stop the bullying which I still never told anyone about and was actually the root cause of everything now I look back on it.
so, with school refusal and this weird behaviour of blaming you when you haven’t don’t anything wrong… it might be something like bullying m, which he might not actually tell you as I never told. It made me feel too weak to say anything, but it certainly came out in other ways.
Is home schooling an issue? Say I will look into you homeschooling but you will have no devices, just a brick phone and use of family laptop If he’s that desperate to stay off school you will know as he will agree to it and then you have the root cause.. it’s school and probably the people within it.

There is usually a reason behind behaviour (note: it might not be an obvious one or that it means his behaviour is acceptable).

Have you sat down with GP or SENCO and discussed the reasons? The history of when this first started? Are there any ACEs (adverse childhood experiences eg parents splitting up, abuse, etc).

Right now you’re right, at age 15 you can’t get him in. But you need support to get to the bottom of what’s going on. Any SENCO contact? Any Early Help referral? Etc

Without understanding what’s going on there can’t be a plan. If he is violent to you, I would call the police. You need to ensure your own safety.

I agree about calling 999 or saying you’ll have to.

if he’s genuinely suicidal because he doesn’t have his devices then it is a medical emergency - that’s an extreme reaction.

If he’s not genuinely suicidal and it’s power play then you vent “given in” but you’ve responded with care and seriousness to what he’s saying.

For him he’ll see it as lose lose. But for you it’s a win. Because you get to stick to your boundary and it’s not by saying “I don’t believe you”.

Another agreeing it sounds horrific - and when faced with a child who’s in extreme distress out natural instincts is to protect them. Which can lead to giving them what they say the want/need. But long term that kicks the can down the road.