ds school refusing i feel out of my depth

[noschool00]

I dont even know how to write this tbh its all a bit of a mess. DS15 came out as bi when he was 13 then later said he was gay. fine. honestly fine. never had a problem with it at all, ive supported him and always have. He keeps telling me ive got a problem with him being gay and I havent.

But now im apparently homophobic. He has even told his school im homophobic. Which is great.

Today was another meeting with head of year and education welfare because he hasnt been to school at all this year and barely went last year either. Last year was basically a handful of days, then reduced timetable, which he agreed to, then it was why cant I do this instead, why cant I come in at this time, why do I have to do that, why cant I only do x etc etc and then he wouldnt go anyway.

I honestly dont know what they expect me to do now because school are threatening a fine if he doesnt start attending. I have tried getting him in. I have. He just refuses.

Anyway today he wouldnt stay in the meeting either. He was saying he wasnt staying, wanted to go home, wouldnt talk to them. In the end he did stay but they put him in isolation. Now hes decided that because he technically went into school today he should have all his devices back.

I said no.

And thats kicked everything off again. He spends basically his whole life online. phone, laptop, fanfic, talking to people he doesnt know, gay fanfic constantly, and ive found hes been watching very violent and explicit porn. Im not putting details on here but its not appropriate for a 15 year old and it has really worried me.

So ive taken the devices. Apparently because im homophobic.

I keep saying it isnt because hes gay. If he was straight and doing exactly the same thing I would still take them. He doesnt seem to hear that.

Hes very verbally aggressive with me as well. Swearing, shouting, getting in my face, telling me im a terrible mum. Hes smashed things up when hes been angry before. sometimes I honestly just stand there thinking what am I actually supposed to do.

And when I take the devices he makes threats about killing himself. Obviously I take that seriously. Of course I do. But I cant have it being that every time I set a boundary this happens because then I dont know how im supposed to parent him at all.

And yes I know hes struggling. I KNOW. We have tried. School counselling was offered but the counsellor is only there one day a week and DS was never in on that day. So that went nowhere. Early Help said they cant do anything. CAMHS refused the referral.

School say theyre worried. Now education welfare are involved and theres talk of fines. And I am just thinking what exactly am I meant to do. I cant physically make him go in.

Today I was sat in that meeting and he was basically saying im homophobic and I wanted to scream because this is not about that. I dont care if hes gay. I care that hes 15 and not going to school and talking to random people online and watching stuff he shouldnt be watching and spending every waking minute online and becoming more aggressive at home. Thats what im worried about.

But he has told school im homophobic so now im also worrying that school think thats why hes not going in or that im somehow causing all of this. Im not.

I am exhausted. Really exhausted. Hes upstairs now asking for his phone back. Ive said no. Hes calling me controlling again.

I dont want to give it back. But im also scared because I know how he reacts when I take it. I feel like whatever I do is wrong.

If I give it back, im worried about what hes doing online. If I dont, im worried about what hes going to do because hes already making threats. And school are saying he has to attend or I could be fined.

How am I meant to get him there when he wont go.

Sorry this is all over the place. I genuinely cant think straight tonight. I dont even know what im asking really.

Just what would you actually do because I feel completely out of my depth with him now.

I think the possibility of ND is worth exploring. DC2 had terrible problems all through secondary school. After finishing the 6th form, they ended up with dyslexia, ADHD and autism diagnoses. Neither the primary, secondary nor I realised any of the above. I first realised when they randomly said to me it was so annoying that maths questions often contain the word “pebbles” becuase “everyone knows that is a hard word to read”. The school even gave DC2 a load of screener questionnaires for all kinds or conditions including ADHD and autism and all came back as normal …… but they rely on a certain level of self-awareness which young ND people often don’t have or perhaps DC2 did not answer them honestly.

I agree with others, don't give the device's back. It sounds as though he is addicted to them so hopefully after a month or so without things will start to change. My daughter went through a period of saying she would kill herself when she wasn't getting what she wanted and was very angry, I took it very seriously and she did it more and more. I then changed my approach and each time I said if that's what she intends to do I need to call the police as I can't keep her safe, I stopped showing any emotional response to it and just reiterated that if she was serious I would call the police and then I would walk away from her, I would stay close by but not in her immediate area. It's really difficult but once I stopped giving it attention she stopped saying it so often. I have also taken away her devices and her mental health has massively improved. He sounds very angry and as if he just wants to hurt you, your response has to be calm measured and consistent, acknowledge but don't give it attention.

So sorry to hear of your difficulties. Do you have a sympathetic GP who might be able to offer some support? They may have a social worker attached to the surgery who might be able to help or at least be able to assist if it does get to the stage where you may be fined. I do think the ND possibility may be worth exploring and I also agree with the suggestions that you would need to get emergency medical help if suicide is bought up again.

There are groups of facebook that help with EBSA and they might also have some suggestions re the school avoidance.

Good luck.