AIBU to feel undermined by DH over our teenager’s behaviour?

[Lostinthewoods1234]

I can’t work out if I’m in the wrong or being gaslit.

3 kids, eldest 14 nearly 15 and fast going off the rails. Youngest has non-verbal autism and GDD and I do spend a lot of time with his care. DH and I essentially co-parent under the same roof, we both work full time, normal financial stresses with COL, kids and additional strain of ASN. Very little time together alone as no family nearby. Anyway we truck along, but eldest is really concerning me. Speaks to me
in awful language if I ask him to do anything he doesn’t want to (f’ing c* etc). If DH overhears he will say now don’t speak to your mother like that but that’s all he does. DS simply ignores me when I challenge/reprimamd him. DH runs all phone contracts and won’t take his phone off his as punishment telling me I need to deal with him. But I can’t -
he is bigger than me, newly rude to me and now keeps skipping school. Again DH Doesn’t really do anything- he’ll shout at him and say you’re not going out all week then the next night he lets him out because DS says sorry to him etc. I’m at
my wit’s end. It almost feels like I’m up against some sort of toxic masculinity in the house. I’ve tried talking to DS/ asking to go for a meal / walk to talk and he just laughs at me. DH raises his voice at me if I try and talk any of this through with him. Tonight he told me it is my fault DS is like this and walked off when I tried to talk more (common theme). I now need to go and settle the 2 younger ones and he will watch tv until eldest comes in past curfew and will tell him off and by the time I come
downstairs they will be all matey and I’ll basically be told I’m useless. I feel increasingly low and don’t know what to do. I

My immediate reaction is dont engage.

Dont argue, don't expect DH to defend you (he's shown you he won't, that's a seperate altogether more complex issue that isnt the base of this thread).

When DS is aggressive or insulting you; withdraw; "I wont interact with you when you act like this, come back to me when you can act respectfully" and step back. Whatever you were doing, stop, whatever you were asking, tell DH to handle it, don't argue with DH about it, just tell him to handle the situation and walk away.

Dont do anything for DS, don't do any laundry, don't do him any food, don't do anything whilst he is treating you with contempt. When the situation is calm (not during anger or aggression or argument), tell him that all relationships are built on respect and trust, if he isnt respectful toward you then he doesnt get the benefits of your relationship, his dad can provide everything for him as they are "great mates".

That sounds tough. And there is me annoyed that my DH doesn't encourage our teen DS to go to bed at a reasonable time then its me who has to get him up for school!!

Can you confiscate his phone? My 15 year old has to hand his over at 10pm.

I agree with the above and stop doing anything for your DS if he behaves like that. No laundry. No meals. In fact do the same for your DH.

Is your DS taking drugs? Any ideas why he is behaving like this?

I am nervous to confiscate it as he keeps skipping school and ending up in town until late and at least with his phone I know he can call for help if needed. I did however ask my husband to insist he lets me see his location (which he has refused to do lately). That’s the problem though, somehow I am reliant on him to MAKE DS do things which feels wrong. I have no idea what’s causing the behaviour, he was essentially a model student until last year. I have wondered about drugs but have no proof and he simpl
refuses to talk to me at all.

I can understand why you feel undermined. It sounds like you’re being left to handle the difficult behaviour while DH isn’t backing you up, and then blaming you when things go wrong. You both need to be on the same page with boundaries and consequences, otherwise it’s almost impossible for you to manage this on your own.

Do you spend any time with your eldest, just the two of you? Because reading this, it sounds like the only attention he gets from you is negative- ie when he acts badly
Could you not take him out for lunch or out shopping and try to find out what is going on with him?

Put a tile in DS's school bag. Track him.
He seems like he is living a life of peril.
Call the Police on him if he is bringing drugs into the home.
To miss school means a snowballing of poor educational results.

I would also disengage, do him no favours and physically take his phone off him if he disobeys curfew. Turn it onto silent or bury it in the garden. He gets it back when he IS sorry and when he abides the fair rules of his parents' home.

Make sure your DH gets plenty of time caring for youngest. You deserve to be sitting on the sofa too.

The problem is with your dh and its knock on effect on your ds. Your dh doesn’t respect you and your ds is following suit.
I would take a step back, provide the essentials but nothing more. Tell dh that ds doesn’t respect you and that it’s his job to set the rules with him.

You are the parent here. He is a CHILD.

He needs to have clear boundaries in place, and you also need to have your DH enforcing these boundaries along side you.

TELL your son the rules. If he is rude to you, you will take his phone away for 24 hours. If he skips school, he will lose his phone for a week.

You need to then take his phone. He doesn't need a phone to contact you if he skips school. Make him learn your number and he can call from a friend's phone.

If there is no clear action and consequence then you're fighting a losing battle.

If your DH doesn't back you up then your relationship is pointless. Your son is clearly learning from the way your DH speaks to you, and the fact you don't seem to argue back and you just let him walk away.

Stand up for yourself. Parenting is tough.

My 15 year old is bigger than me and if he is rude to me then I take his phone.

That is my worry, that he’s learning it from his dad. I don’t know if he is or
if it’s “just” teenage. Yesterday in the car he was swearing so badly and I stopped the car and told him if kept swearing at me he could walk home. He smirked and said he was off to see a friend and I started the car again saying that he is coming home not going to see a friend given his behaviour. He then refused to put on his belt, his sister was crying, the car seatbelt alarm was beeping so loudly and I was SO stressed. I ended up pulling over telling him I’d wave down a passing police car unless he put it on and they would make him and he finally and we got home. An hour later he gave a cursory sorry and asked to go out, I said no due to his behaviour and held firm. His dad then came in and had a “long chat” with him out of earshot and next thing I know he is leaving. I tried intervening, DS wouldn’t listen, was heading out in pouring rain at 7:30 with no money and refusing to take his phone so he couldn’t be traced. I told him If he left when told not to and I couldn’t know he was safe I’d call the police. He left
anyway and after an hour I called
the police who brought him home within the hour. DH was furious, telling me as usual I made it “all about me” and that I’d damaged my relationship with my son forever. I am so low today. He won’t get up and go to school. I’m just lost, haven’t slept for worry and feel so alone.

I offer him 121 time every day, I’d do anything with him, lunch, brunch, shopping, bowling, anything at all I’d happily do, but he says he doesn’t like me, won’t elaborate and that he just doesn’t want to spend time with me.

This is a massive DH problem and you need to stand up to him. You CANNOT let your children see your DH undermine you.

When your DH told you that you'd made it all about you, what was your reply? Because my reply would have been "DS was badly behaved, I put a punishment in place for his poor behaviour and told him he was NOT going out. The ONLY issue here is that you then completely undermined the punishment that was given and have rewarded his poor behaviour by doing this. If you think putting boundaries in place for a child isn't the correct thing to do then it's YOU who has the problem here."

Personally I think you need to leave this relationship. Take the younger two with you and let your DH parent your DS.

I do agree, but I am so wobbly today I feel like maybe I am the problem, DH said it would forever damage my relationship with our son what I did last night. I tried telling him my feelings matter too, as do his sister’s, he cannot swear the
most awful words at me and then mutter a glib sorry and go out on a school night. We just seem to have polar opposite parenting styles. I’m so scared of what is going on with DS. I am even more scared that were we to split, which I think is inevitable, DS will choose to live with him 😭

Put an Apple tag in his bag /sew one into his jacket and track him.
seize his smartphone for 24 hrs each episode of rudeness
Consider a downgrade to a brick phone ? So he can call home.
your husband doesn’t consider what you say is important, so your son is learning this I think
would you three consider family therapy ?

I have offered family therapy, both refuse to join me so I’m doing it alone for
now. DH runs the phone contracts and won’t take DS phone away so a brick phone from me would just be an “extra”. I’ve put an Apple tag in his bag before but he knows to check for them on his phone so when he sees a new icon appear he searches his bag / coat until he finds it and rips it out. It’s that bad.

Your problem isnt your DS, its your DH.

Unless you get on the same page you're fucked. And it sounds like your DH doesnt respect you, he thinks all the issues atmre yours and that the sun shines out of DS backside. Because if this, you DS knows whatever you say ir do doesnt matter a jot because he just has to run to daddy and daddy will overturn anything and make you the villain. I think youre right about splitting with DH, thats inevitable. The sooner the better.

My worry just now is that if I do separate from him I’m 99% sure DS will choose to live with him, and given his age the court will agree. Not that I want to go against his wishes but😥

Is that really a bad thing? At least you cant then get blamed for the poor behaviour...

And when he gets bored of no boundaries he will probably want to come back.

This, you have 3 dc but 2 who have additional needs and take up all your time? What’s the age difference? Hoe much of his childhood was spent overshadowed as he would see it?

It feels heartbreaking to me. My worry is DH will somehow entrench these views further and the idea of our family being essentially split into girls v boys feels even more damaging

Age difference is 2 years and 2.5 years. As for feeling overshadowed, I’m not sure. He’s never shown any sign before of feeling like that, and until this behaviour change we have always had a weekly pancake date just the 2
of us, and each night when the younger ones go down we’ve watched
something he chooses together or go for a walk if it’s summer and light out still or a drive if it’s dark and chat. He also played football weekly until again this change and I went to watch every game, apart from 2 when I was in hospital with his sibling. So, if he had felt overlooked, I absolutely missed those signs until this time.

I would ask school for their help and I would call the NSPCC and ask for their advice. This is too much for you to deal with alone. You can be open that you and your husband do not agree and they can at least help you to be pragmatic.

Your DS is not a lost cause. I know it is tough especially with your other children needing you too. You are feeling weak purely because you are so incredibly strong!

Ah so younger dc both girls? Have you ever cancelled plans with ds for the DDs?

This is so kind it’s made me well up. School actually contacted me last week offering a support meeting as his attendance is at 57% as he keeps walking out 😥so I will see if they can help at all. I really do feel at a complete loss.

Sorry no I was writing quickly. Eldest is M, middle is F and youngest M. So not exactly a F/M split but it somehow feels like it would be. The only plan I can recall having to cancel was watching a football game when youngest was taken into hospital.

You are right to be concerned. I'd recommend you go for counselling for yourself. From what you've written your DH is triangulating with your DS and aggravating the behaviour problems. I think you need professional advice.