AIBU to feel undermined by DH over our teenager’s behaviour?

[Lostinthewoods1234]

I can’t work out if I’m in the wrong or being gaslit.

3 kids, eldest 14 nearly 15 and fast going off the rails. Youngest has non-verbal autism and GDD and I do spend a lot of time with his care. DH and I essentially co-parent under the same roof, we both work full time, normal financial stresses with COL, kids and additional strain of ASN. Very little time together alone as no family nearby. Anyway we truck along, but eldest is really concerning me. Speaks to me
in awful language if I ask him to do anything he doesn’t want to (f’ing c* etc). If DH overhears he will say now don’t speak to your mother like that but that’s all he does. DS simply ignores me when I challenge/reprimamd him. DH runs all phone contracts and won’t take his phone off his as punishment telling me I need to deal with him. But I can’t -
he is bigger than me, newly rude to me and now keeps skipping school. Again DH Doesn’t really do anything- he’ll shout at him and say you’re not going out all week then the next night he lets him out because DS says sorry to him etc. I’m at
my wit’s end. It almost feels like I’m up against some sort of toxic masculinity in the house. I’ve tried talking to DS/ asking to go for a meal / walk to talk and he just laughs at me. DH raises his voice at me if I try and talk any of this through with him. Tonight he told me it is my fault DS is like this and walked off when I tried to talk more (common theme). I now need to go and settle the 2 younger ones and he will watch tv until eldest comes in past curfew and will tell him off and by the time I come
downstairs they will be all matey and I’ll basically be told I’m useless. I feel increasingly low and don’t know what to do. I

Your son and his behaviour is a reflection of the kind of man his father is. I went through something similar. My husband (now Ex) would roll his eyes and smirk at my son when I spoke. Constantly undermining me, calling me names and wanting to be my son’s best mate rather than his father. This led to my 12 year old son speaking to me, his sister and his grandmother like crap. The school highlighted that his disrespectful behaviour was always aimed at women.

I divorced my husband and initially had both children living with me. I realise now that it was too late, I should have divorced him years ago as now my son was acting very much the same way his dad was. The ex continued to play the Disney dad, son would be sent home from school for bullying, ex would take him to a football match at the weekend whereas I was putting him on tech bans, grounding, the works. I would block his phone, ex would allow him to use a tablet at his house to access all his apps. In the end, my son chose to live with him because he was “sick of my rules”. What like going to school and not being horrible 🙄. Anyway, after initially being devastated I realised that this is the first time in my whole life that I don’t live with an angry man ( at 14 he is much taller than me and physically intimidating).

I also didn’t realise the impact his behaviour was having on my daughter. She is so much happier and my son says he’s happier at his dad’s so both children at least feel supported.

To be honest, without me to try and keep him in line his behaviour has continued to get worse but now Ex is the one being hauled up to the school or having the police at his door.

My son comes up for dinner a couple of times a week and I support my ex when he wants to address his poor behaviour but other than that all I can do is keep my door open should my son need help or support.

You poor woman.
It reads to me as if your husband is covertly abusing you via your son.

You are rightly nervous of the size of him.
I think speaking to Women's aid for support for yourself whilst talki to the school too.

Perhaps separating and him living with his father is the answer.

Sometimes things cannot be changed.

I am so sorry you’ve gone through this too. It is heartbreaking. If I am being honest the part that makes me so uncomfortable (as opposed to angry and upset) is how much DS in these moods is the epitome of DH with his moods and it actually makes me feel frightened of them both in these moments. The look in their eyes is utter derision.

I would leave the oldest with his father and take the younger two with you.

Honestly, your life sounds dreadful and not sustainable.

You are being mentally abused.

Take care of yourself.

As heartbreaking as it is, you can't carry on like this. Your husband is constantly undermining you and he is failing as a parent. Your other children are living in this war zone and you are heading for a breakdown. You can't implement any kind of consequences for your son if your husband won't stick to them.

You did the right thing calling the police, your son's behaviour is out of control. I'd also be worried about drugs - when he goes out, have a good search of his room. In my experience, teenagers are pretty rubbish at hiding stuff so if there's anything to find, I expect you'll find it.

I think the relationship with your husband has reached breaking point and I can't see any improvement unless you separate. If your son chooses to live with his dad, you can tell him that he is on a dangerous path and that you love him too much to see him ruining his life and that his dad letting him get away with that behaviour is failing him as a parent. And tell him he'll always have a home with you but that you won't allow him to treat you like dirt. Sometimes tough love is needed. Sending hugs to you, I really feel for you 🫂