My mum is picking on my daughter appearance again

[50goingon70]

My mum used to emotionally bully me on my appearance throughout my childhood until my 30s. I never reacted as a child but as I grew older, I started getting angry and frustrated at her but she never ever admitted it was her fault. I always got the blame for being so touchy.
Now she has started on my 21 year old daughter. I have 2 daughters. She compliments the younger one all the time but my eldest is always picked on whenever my mum sees her which isn’t often as I keep my girls away from her negativity.
Ive told her so many times to stop talking about my daughter’s appearance. I’ve even cut her off so many times. I had to tell her again today to back off talking negatively about my older daughter’s teeth. They’re lovely teeth btw.
AIBU for being so upset? Why is she repeating the same mistakes with her own granddaughter?

This is where a good 'shut the fuck up' would just solve things.

Like, tell her straight - stop being a dick or we are done and you wont see my girls again. End of.

Challenge her every time without fail. Refuse to see her anymore if she doesn’t stop it. And mean it.

I also think ‘shut the fuck up’ is excellent advice here. You’ve warned her before. At some point you need to shut her down.

I’d be booting her out of my house and telling her that she’s not seeing any of us again until she learns to keep her mouth shut. What a horrid woman - and well done for standing up for your daughter, but it needs to be firmer now.

Enough is enough tell her if she speaks to her like that again she won’t be spending any more time with her. She must be very insecure and sad herself to be picking on her granddaughter so relentlessly.

I’ve even cut her off so many times

Perhaps it's time to cut her off completely. You know she won't stop if you don't really mean it and give her chances. She did it you, now she's doing it to your daughter.

I'd give her one more chance. Tell her (before she does it) that if she comments one more time on your daughter's appearance, you will remove her from your life. And mean it.

Tell her straight and shut it DOWN. 😠 😡 😤
"You did this crap to me as a kid and I had to take it.
You will NOT DO THIS CRAP TO MY DAUGHTERS."

If she carries on, then cut her out.
Advocate for your DD, and mean it.
FAFO.
@50goingon70

Yup - got to agree with the above.

time to start doing it back to your mum

Just get in there first & make a comment about her appearance (assuming she isn’t a Yasmin le Bon lookalike). See how she likes it.

Alternatively just avoid seeing her if she can’t be civil.

if you’ve cut her off why do you keep allowing her back? You know what she’s like and you are letting her do to your daughter what she did to you. Cut her off for good and don’t let her do this.

Either give your mum a stern taking to or make her aware that if she keeps talking to your daughter like that then she’s not welcome.

Your mum is likely taking out her own issues on you and now your daughter. It’s a sad pattern of behaviour.

Thank you ladies for your responses.
Trust me, I’ve done all of the above. I’ve kicked and screamed! I only got back talking to her after 18 months of not early last year as my dad had a fall.
they’re both in their 80s and I feel like they haven’t got loads of time left. I’m trying not to react too angrily but I did tell her not to do it again.

My DD’s don't see MIL now. Ever. Because of the same shitty behaviour.

I would cut her off again OP. It must be marvellous to be as perfect as her!!

give her both barrels and then NC. done

Set the boundary and stick to it. If she does it again she won’t see you

I feel for you as MIL think it’s ok to tell my children anything that goes through her nasty head. We’re low
contact now but of course that is our fault even though I’ve made it clear that her comments are unacceptable … sad to say but I suspect being over 80 with a pretty bad medical condition she’ll die before she realises it’s her that’s stoping her family visiting very much

Id Just say "really mum? Are you just jealous you have been left like a tattie peeler at your old age? 1 dangling tooth in the middle? Hmmm, my rebecca and Laura have amazing teeth, maybe you should of thought about yours back then". 😡👹

She knows this upset you as a child (framing it as you being "touchy") and continues to treat your daughter the same way.
Parents who do this can't seem to help themselves, it must be a sort of compulsion that they cannot control. Therefore unsafe to be around, so best avoided/minimal contact.

I’d kick her out every single time. FWIW I have done that to my own mother before when she was slagging me off in front of my then primary school aged daughter. I felt I needed to set an example to my children to not put up with this shit.

Coincidentally, my children’s other grandmother is worse and both children (now teens) have more or less cut her out of their lives as they’re tired of her shit. They did that independently of me as I haven’t seen that bitch in a decade since I left her son.

Both your daughters need to see you deal with your mother firmly. Hopefully her terrible behaviour hasn’t affected the relationship they have as sisters.

Just do yourself and DC a favour and go completely NC.

ahe might not have long left but your daughter has the rest of her life to live with the cruel comments. You’ve cut her off many times? You haven’t then. You cut someone off or you don’t. Every single time you subject your daughter to her you’re complicit in abuse OP. She’s abusive to your daughter and you keep letting her do it. Your daughter isn’t abusing her. You need to stand up for your daughter and stand up for your younger self and cut the woman off or accept the fact that you’re allowing the abuse to continue which ridiculous to allow. I’ve no idea why how long she has to live comes into it when she’s saying those things to your daughter. If she wanted contact she’s able to stop the abuse at any time and she chooses not to. And you keep choosing to let her away with it. Cut her off. If you don’t you’re literally saying to your daughter I’m ok with her abusing you.

She doesn’t say it when the girls are around, she says it when I see my parents alone. I would never let my eldest know what she was saying.You’re right. I do keep letting her back in. Why do I do it? I think I do stick up for my daughter. I’ve argued with my mum so many times about this topic. Maybe she enjoys hurting me and this is just another way of doing it.
she never picked on my younger sister either. To my mum, she was the beautiful one.

my mum was like this. I eventually realised I didn’t have to sit there and give her an audience for her to call me fat, ugly, unattractive etc. I could just walk out
so that’s what I did. She was pleasant, she got my company. She started going on about how broad and tall I was, I left

Do it back. Sometimes the only way to stop bullies is to bite back - it hits them right in their insecurities.

‘DD has funny teeth’
’Yes, she gets them from you’

‘DD’s hair is a mess’
’At least it doesn’t look like LEGO helmet hair’

’DD dresses badly’
‘She’s not a fan of Bon Marché’

’DD has put on weight’
’Yes, she definitely has your hips’

And so on and so on. People like your mum like dishing it out, but they sure as hell hate taking it.