My mum is picking on my daughter appearance again

[50goingon70]

My mum used to emotionally bully me on my appearance throughout my childhood until my 30s. I never reacted as a child but as I grew older, I started getting angry and frustrated at her but she never ever admitted it was her fault. I always got the blame for being so touchy.
Now she has started on my 21 year old daughter. I have 2 daughters. She compliments the younger one all the time but my eldest is always picked on whenever my mum sees her which isn’t often as I keep my girls away from her negativity.
Ive told her so many times to stop talking about my daughter’s appearance. I’ve even cut her off so many times. I had to tell her again today to back off talking negatively about my older daughter’s teeth. They’re lovely teeth btw.
AIBU for being so upset? Why is she repeating the same mistakes with her own granddaughter?

She is an arrogant abuser and I suggest you move on without her.

Words like that can really make young ladies insecure, and can cause harm.......stop it, full stop.

At least your daugher will be out of the firing line.

Put your DDs first, not her.

I did dish it out a couple of years ago. I got screamed at by her pretty bad for having the guts to do so

OP you need to step away and leave her to her own nasty thoughts. If you can't cut her off completely, every time she comments about your daughter, don't say anything just get up and leave. Every time.

When it's a parent who will have dominated & bullied you all your life it can be very hard to stand up to them, they have programed you & it's not easy to break your training.
Walking away could well be the best option. She thrives on drama & fury, dont give her what she wants, freeze her out, stop responding.

Your daughter is an adult and I’d be telling her she’s under no obligation to continue her relationship with her grandmother.

What would she respond, OP, if you said 'why are you always so horrible about your granddaughters who you are meant to love, you do realise other grandma's dont talk like this', what would she say?

My aunt was a toxic bitch too, sympathies. I realised how much i disliked her when she died and I was relieved.

🙄 my mum wasn’t quite this bad but similar. I’m glad I only have boys, they don’t seem to come in for the same treatment. I genuinely think my mum (and other women of her generation) believed they were ‘helping’ in some way, using shame and criticism to ‘encourage ’ you to look your best. My mum was (still is) openly critical of fat women and has left me with all kinds of hang ups in this respect.

Yabu to exposed your dd to this. Your mom is a narcissit. Best thing would go nc and priortise you and your dd. Break the cycle,its what i did with my mother. I take it your eldest looks the most like you? Your mother has deep seeded issues. Protect your children.

Fire with fire no shouting or screaming just a beautiful mind bomb next time you go to visit.

" Mum, I don't mean to be rude and I know you would want to know, but when ive come round lately I’ve noticed a slight wiff of urine a bit like an old folkes home, it maybe just me as my sense of smell has been really keen latley posibly somthing to do with my hormens but I just thought Id mention it."

Produce naice gift wrapped pot of potpourri x

I would just call her out every single time and tell her she has always been a nasty abusive cow.
Do you really have to see her.

Does DM have siblings -I would guess this happened in her childhood or was there something about her looks that made her embarrassed growing up - ask them what their parents were like -anyway it’s ingrained so you need to avoid her.

If you aren't wanting to go non contact which imo you are well within your rights to do so, this worked for me.
"We do not talk about peoples bodies"
well I was just saying .......
"Nobody does that anymore it's considered rude"
Then change the conversation.

Let her - just let her scream. Then you say, ‘Don’t dish it if you can’t take it. You’re no Cindy Crawford yourself’. And then when she rages just shrug.

She’s trying to maintain a toxic pattern that’s been going on for a long time. I’d get yourself some real life counselling if you can. It is easy for people to say just cut her off if she doesn’t stop, but that can be hard to do emotionally. I would ensure you have good real life support if you can.

She does it because she can and enjoys hurting your feelings.

She's not going to stop.

The choice is yours - keep taking it or walk away forever.

This.

I must say if your mother thought it was OK to bully you about your looks and blamed you if you complain it is a sign that she is nasty piece of work who will never accept that she is doing anything wrong when she does the same thing with your daughter.

I would distance myself from her and tell she is no longer welcome in my house unless she apologises to both you and your daughter and learns to keep her mouth shut on that topic.

My guess is that she will again play the victim and blame you but at least you will have established firm boundaries.

I think you are letting her back in because she 'programmed' you to think her behaviour is OK and chipped at your self esteem.

Morning ladies. Yes, she did have some issues with her own mother growing up. You’re right, it is ingrained and she will play the victim.
Ive decided to cut the number of times I see her and will keep my girls away from her. I’ve argued with her hundreds of times and that hasn’t changed anything. I will calmly tell her what I’m going to do going forward.
Her behaviour is unacceptable and yes. I think she does it to hurt me. I’ve had counselling too. It’s a hard one and I appreciate all of your support. Thank you x

WHY is this woman still in your life? Get rid of this merciless bully for good, she won't change.

Don't just cut down the number of times you see your mum. Cut her off completely because she can't or won't stop being absolutely awful to your daughter and to you. She doesn't bring anything positive to your life so stepping right back will send her a message that her behaviour is totally unacceptable.

Are you sure she isn't saying the same stuff to dd's face, when you're not around? Make it clear to DD she absolutely has your permission to walk out or tell the old bat to sod off - she doesn't have to take it to keep the peace.

I had good results with telling my gran how wrinkly she was looking (when she felt the need to point out every teenage spot). Like pp said, let her scream. Then shrug and tell her she's touchy.