ASD / ADHD son struggling with Year 7.

[BananaOhRama]

It has only been a week so I appreciate I might be being neurotic / jumping the gun a little.

DS has been at a private school for a week, I chose the school specifically because of its reputation with SEND students and the fact it has approximately 50% SEN. My friend’s children go there who have ASD and ADHD and the school had really supported and helped them.

For the last two days, my son has got into the car after school and cried. He is saying that he hates secondary school and can’t do it because he is very forgetful (for example he’ll forget the books he needs, his school bag, PE kit), he also is struggling with knowing his way around and keeps being late to lessons. He says he is struggling to make friends and that he ‘can tell the teachers don’t like him’. However, he has also said that he hasn’t actually been told off by any teachers for any of these things. He feels big emotions and when one or a couple of things go wrong, he thinks everything is awful. He is very academically clever and scored greater depth in his SATS so the lessons and content themselves aren’t an issue.

I have reassured him that it’s only been a week, that he will get used to it and that others will be finding it hard. However, I also don’t want to let this continue to go on if it could result in him being super stressed or anxious, and I’m not sure at what point I chat to the school and see what they can do to help? Perhaps he could do some sessions with learning support or ELSA? I should also point out that when he transitioned primary schools in Year 5 due to a house move he was similar to this, crying and saying he hated school and it took him around a term or two to feel settled - after that he was fine.

I think you and he just need to give it more time. My daughter is NT and is finding all of the transitions, different teachers and remembering stuff hard as well! This wouldn't be something learning support could help with - they are there to help with the actual learning. I would recommend you give it another week or two, allowing him lots of downtime after school and seeing if he can say one positive thing about each day. You could help him to write a daily list of what lessons he has and what he needs to take to each one. It really is a huge transition and not all children enjoy it straightaway.

To me this reads more like he's still settling in than anything else? High school is a massive change and lots of kids struggle at first.

An ND condition like autism or ADHD would present more consistently and likely earlier, especially to a parent, if not to school.

My son is 6.5 and diagnosed with autism, he has (and has always had) consistent struggles with transitioning, sensory things (fabrics, smells, sounds) he doesn't pick up on social cues (but so far has a nice group of friends, thankfully), he stims, his speech can come across as rehearsed or repetitive, his sleep is erratic... This is all alongside being very rigid, thriving on routine, a stickler for rules and fairness, very anxious, hating even the idea of being "in trouble" and doing really well academically.

Thank you, this is reassuring, and my first instinct too. I think because of my son’s neurodivergence, I can often panic more.

My son has diagnosed autism and ADHD x

@BananaOhRama oh blimey, sorry I read it that you were wondering if he could be autistic/have ADHD, sorry! That's what trying to multitask does 🤣🤦

It sounds like the school are well equipped to support him and you're clearly a loving parent looking out for him so that's a big thing. Hopefully with a bit more time he'll settle in like before with the move. High school is a big change, I can still remember it and I'm 38! Xx

@BananaOhRama it's very early days and most Y7s are still finding their feet and trying to settle into a routine (I teach in a secondary school).

The forgetting things is on you though! He is only 11 so cannot be expected to manage things like that on his own. Help him pack his bag each night and check his timetable to see what he needs. Eventually he will be confident enough to do this on his own.

I am doing this already, it’s more things like he will forget his entire bag when he leaves his tutor period, or he will leave his PE bag behind somewhere and only realise when he’s at PE and doesn’t have it. He’s also lost a blazer and jumper at school! 😩😂

Youve answered your own concerns
Honestly what else can you do?

It’s difficult as my only experience of parenting is a child with autism and ADHD, so I don’t know if this is what is to be expected or not. I didn’t know if I should be speaking to the school / SENCO or if this is just normal.

Don't stress - do listen and validate that it's hard starting somewhere new, and also reassure him that it will get easier, and he can do this. Apparently these two things are the best way to support children with anxiety, it's part of the SPACE program which I hear really good things about (esp for ND children).

Don't get involved yet. Give him chance to settle and give the school chance to pick stuff up on their own. If he's still struggling 3-4 weeks in, go and talk to them.

Tell him that you're proud of him for getting through (3, 4, 5) days of his new school - maybe do something mildly celebratory like order a takeaway at the weekend, either as a surprise on the day or tell him of the plan tomorrow so he has something to look forward to.

It takes an adult three months to get used to a new job so it will take a child at least that long to get used to a new school and new routine. Take it slowly and reassure your son it will take at least until Christmas.

Yes this is normal for virtually all year 7s.

many schools have year 7s in on their own for a day before the rest of the school come in and do a lot of getting to know the school and each other type activiyirs.

my school also has mixed ability groups in year 7 precisely so they all move as a group and can build relationships quicker.

teachers also don’t set detentions for no homework/lost book etc for the first month.

this is completely normal

If he was in my tutor group I absolutejy would want you to email me or come in for a chat. Not all guns blazing but just an exchange of info about what's he's struggling with, what helps, what we can do. Your ds doesn't even have to know.

Why doesn’t the school have lockers? That would mean he can stow everything he needs in one place and then collect PE bag on the way to PE?

Yes, I agree that this is all normal. The difference is that he doesn't understand that. My y7 DD who is NT is also finding it hard, but she understands that's normal and can make the connection between bot getting into trouble and the fact that the teachers are givint them time to find their feet.

I would 100% be talking to his form tutor and/or the SENCO. NOt a big complaint/drama message, but a quiet, confidential chat to explain his anxiety and what is going on. They will be used to this and can address it either directly or indirectly, as appropraite. And for ALL the children, ND and NT, they are highly focused on getting this transition period right because it ensure the rest of the school year will be much more successful.

If you speak with them, I can think of many things they might suggest/do: For example, perhaps they set up a session for all the children or all the SEN children to highlight to them how struggles are normal and to offer ideas on solving it. At DS' school (a very big, state school) in a situation like this (he has ADHD and has had imilar struggles) they would do a more personalised option - SENCO "bumping into" him at lunch time or his form tutor having a quiet word. On one occassion, DS' teachers were asked to highlight positive behaviours at the end of class and, bless them, they all did it for the week with the pastoril lead pulling him into her office at random intervals to tell him how well he was doing (it wasn't random - she diarised it, but to him it felt spontaneous and random!).

It might be, that with a large cohort of SEN children, they'll have interventions they can offer to support him - eg he joins a group of children who start the day a bit earlier or have separate spaces for break time when it's quieter, and they can gather their things/ prepare themselves etc (again, something DS' school offers and was offered to him, although he has not used it).

I would absolutely not ignore it. Your child has some additional needs and getting on top of this early will help. Also, for many chlidren with ADHD (I don't know if it's true for ASD as well), a key challenge is that they can find it difficult to accept what the parent is saying and they start getting into a sort of negative spiral with their parent. But if these messages are directly reinfocred at school, that can be hugely impactful.

If I look at our school chat WhatsApp for year 7s, the list of items people have lost is never ending!
I would say some of this is normal, but you need to consider what would help him. A visual checklist to look at at the end of each lesson to remind him to pack his bag and take it with him maybe?

Oh, and re the bags.... DS' teachers quickly learnt which children were likely to do this (and yes, DS was definitely top of the list) and would check he had his bag as he left or they'd keep it for him and then chuckle when he turne dup to collect it at break.

We have a tutor check in next Monday, so I’m thinking see how he gets on the next few days and then relay concerns at the check in (unless we have a real problem or meltdown between now and then).

Definitely talk to the tutor at the checkin or before if things get worse. They may be able to help him sort strategies rather than struggle and get miserable.
They will want to know. I suspect add/adhd in my dc and
realise
now that her misery in transferring to yr 7 was more than normal nerves.

Is he on medication for ADHD OP? If not that will be the biggest thing to help him especially with his forgetfulness and feelings, it will help regulate him

Hi OP, just wanted to say you sound like an incredibly loving parent who is simply wanting the best for your child. Like you, the only experience I have of parenting is with an ND child! My DD has an autism & adhd diagnosis and has just started Year 11. Even though its her 5th year at the school, even though she has a lovely group of equally ND mates, the first few days of a new term and especially a new academic year are difficult. New timetable, new staff, new rules being introduced....it's a lot!
I remember Yr 7 being a roller coaster as she hadn't had her formal diagnosis at that point. I did contact the school and I'm so glad I did. From that point on the school treated her as if she already had her diagnosis. She has had the same 'safe adult' since Year 7, her deputy head of year. They have a fantastic relationship and I know I can ping her an email about anything I'm/she's worried about, as does her deputy head of year. If you have the tutor drop in on Monday and feel things can wait then great, but please don't put off contacting if you feel you need to. I'm also a medically retired Secondary Assistant Head.... I know that I'd have already clocked that he perhaps needs reminding to take his PE bag/check he's got his blazer etc!
Good Luck x

Please investigate meds if you haven’t already. ADHD medication is a game-changer. DS1 is Y9, but wouldn’t have coped at secondary without them.

You need to re frame his thinking into proactive solution making, with your help.

He’a asking for help. You say, I can see you’re upset by these things, I wonder if you’re asking for help?

And then start to work out strategies for him to begin to independently manage his day.

I am telling my own teen without any diagnosis other than often extremely forgetful (but really couldn’t give a toss) that 50% of going to high school is learning executive function skills (I don’t call it that.)
it’s all very well smashing his scores in physics but he also needs to think where he’s putting his shoes and coat and books and remember his keys etc.

Obviously I can nag my child and it’s successful 50% of the time but he did actually ask for a list.

Lists, labels and routines are what we use to teach independence in the send school I work in but all these approaches are very important for any child with autism or adhd or even a child who’s a bit chaotic (as most in our family.) Also children with dyslexia or dyscalculia often need this sort of structured support.

The other very basic functional skill that must be taught is to ask for help. We have help cards for our pupils. We encourage them to use them for all sorts of purposes, including feelings etc. the card takes away the need to try to verbalise what they’re struggling with as sometimes they’re not sure.

speak to the school about what strategies can be applied across both school and home to support his independence.

id also gently tell him that if he can learn extremely clever academic things, he does have the capacity to learn the other things, it just will take time, help and perseverance.

If the school really are any good with send they should know about TEACCH and pecs from which these strategies come from. And they really should be on this tbh, with ideas to support him and you. But if they don’t know he’s having issues they can’t help, so I’d be discussing these things with the sendco and their tutor asap.

meds are an absolute last resort and are not without side effects. Sometimes they help sometimes they make the anxiety much worse and can cause weight loss and affect growth. I’ve seen them work wonders when nothing else does but with children with significant learning difficulties. For the vast majority it’s about the environment, structure, routines and teaching functional organisation and communication skills.

Ours is NT, has just started at grammar and the WhatsApp group for year 7 (God help me i thought that was over) shows many kids are all over the place on many levels and parents are having to hold it together for them. It’s a massive change, undoubtedly made more complex for children with needs, but it’s not attribute it all to needs.