ASD / ADHD son struggling with Year 7.

[BananaOhRama]

It has only been a week so I appreciate I might be being neurotic / jumping the gun a little.

DS has been at a private school for a week, I chose the school specifically because of its reputation with SEND students and the fact it has approximately 50% SEN. My friend’s children go there who have ASD and ADHD and the school had really supported and helped them.

For the last two days, my son has got into the car after school and cried. He is saying that he hates secondary school and can’t do it because he is very forgetful (for example he’ll forget the books he needs, his school bag, PE kit), he also is struggling with knowing his way around and keeps being late to lessons. He says he is struggling to make friends and that he ‘can tell the teachers don’t like him’. However, he has also said that he hasn’t actually been told off by any teachers for any of these things. He feels big emotions and when one or a couple of things go wrong, he thinks everything is awful. He is very academically clever and scored greater depth in his SATS so the lessons and content themselves aren’t an issue.

I have reassured him that it’s only been a week, that he will get used to it and that others will be finding it hard. However, I also don’t want to let this continue to go on if it could result in him being super stressed or anxious, and I’m not sure at what point I chat to the school and see what they can do to help? Perhaps he could do some sessions with learning support or ELSA? I should also point out that when he transitioned primary schools in Year 5 due to a house move he was similar to this, crying and saying he hated school and it took him around a term or two to feel settled - after that he was fine.

He can learn the academic stuff for the rest of his life; the independent skills to be able to do this so he can access learning at school, collage and uni are really important right now.

I agree that more time is needed. My AUDHD son started year 8 this year, and we had a similar time settling him into year 7. He is still forgetful though! On his first week he lost (at varying times): his phone, PE trainers, wallet, entire pencil case and PE kit. We did get them back eventually.
He maintained that nobody liked him and nobody spoke to him and he hated it. When i spoke to his form tutor, she said he was settling in well and had already started making friends. DS does tend to catastrophise, and when he can't articulate a problem or an emotion, he picks something else that he can. It sounds like he's deliberately lying. He isn't, but I do understand the mechanics.

It was several months before he settled. And i did worry constantly, and i was always speaking to his form tutor, but he was fine.

For me, this is exactly the type of thing to let his form tutor know about.

Whether kids are NT or ND, some find the transition from primary more difficult others (I’ve had one of each!) and their form tutor is a constant face that they see every day. They will want to support your DS, but can’t if you don’t communicate openly with them.

This. Sadly ds wasn't diagnosed till 14, so his grades had already slipped by then which is more difficult to recover from (especially in a mainstream setting that isn't set up for the right support, particularly as he doesn't have an ehcp). The medication has really, really helped. But he's not going to reach his MTGs in his GCSEs.

This is standard. The jump to Yr7 in any school is huge - a new site, new teachers, new pupils & the whole system of changing classrooms for lessons and everything. And then you throw autism & ADHD on top so every change is more stimulating for him and every requirement to be more organised is more of a challenge for him.
A high rate of SEN mean that the school will be used to supporting children with additional needs. It also means that your son may not need as much support as others. He could also be doing a brilliant job of masking so staff have not yet realised his diagnosis - yes, they will have his IEP but all they know is that “James” has autism & ADHD. They don’t actually know that your son is “James” yet.
Practical tips - scaffold as much as you can at home; name everything; air tags in anything valuable (DS has them in his blazer, PE bag, school bag, coat, stuck on his hockey stick); have spares of as much as possible (water bottle, gum shields, pencil case) at home and, actually, DS always had two gum shields in his games bag as the chances of his losing one between a morning games session and an after school match are high); if there is an interactive map on line, go around the school with your DS over this weekend familiarising him with it; no expectations whatsoever after school other than the essentials; do a nice family thing this weekend, ideally incorporating something he is good at.
Oh, and read up on RSD. It is a really difficult part of ADHD when doing completely new things like this.

I do need to point out that RSD is not an evidenced term, nor are the experience or difficulties within it unique to adhd diagnosis.

At the same time, all the advice to support a child who is experiencing distress will work.

Naomi delivered an excellent session on RSD in the early summer. She may run it again.

but important to note what she notes here:

A couple of years ago, I noticed something new in the reports I was reading about the adolescents I worked with. 'As part of her ADHD, Amelia also has RSD', a typical report might say. Or 'Bethan's RSD makes it hard for her to establish friendships and she is socially isolated'. RSD? RSD was not something I'd been trained in, nor could I find it in the diagnostic manuals. Yet it was being written about in the reports as if it was something that all professionals would know about.

I asked parents, and they were confused by my question. Didn't I know about RSD? To them, it was no different to ADHD, or GAD (Generalised Anxiety Disorder), or any other diagnosis their child had been given. They described it to me as an integral part of ADHD – that was the reason their child got so upset when their friends didn't text them back, they said. One of them told me that this was the way their child was wired and always would be – it's neurological.

I went away and I Googled it. What I discovered intrigued me."

Read my article about the ever complex world of the psychology of mental health.
https://www.bps.org.uk/psychologist/ever-changing-psychology-mental-health
……

A cultural context

Classifying people (including self-classification) is not a neutral act. The philosopher Ian Hacking called this a 'looping effect'. We define a group of people, and then more and more people come to define themselves in that way, and as they do so, the nature of the classification changes to include them.

100%

And education is really shit at recognising this tbh.

I had a parent tell me she was seeking an ‘RSD diagnosis’ for her child. I told her there was no such thing. Some parents want to explain every dimension of their child’s struggles with a label, to distance themselves from poor behaviour.

My AuDHD DS cried for the first two weeks of Y7 (he is now Y10). By half term he was fine, and quickly ended up loving his school.

It is massively overwhelming starting a new school with new demands, even for an NT child. Perhaps look at what strategies you can put in place to help with the organisation - if he can manage that a bit better, he will feel less stressed.
We have a timetable in the blazer pocket, so he can always check where he is supposed to go next. A timetable on the wall by the front door to check he has everything he needs for that day the night before and when he leaves in the morning. Each subject’s books in an A4 zip file, and they live in magazine boxes on the shelf, one for each day of the week - easy to pull out the ones you need for the next day, and they go back into the correct box for the next day he has that lesson.
If he is still really struggling this coming week, have a chat with the SEN team, they will likely have ideas on how to offer some more support.

You cannot possibly know that this was her motivation. As Naomi Fisher wrote in the article you quoted, most parents are not psychologists or psychiatrists. They do not necessarily know the origin of all the terms that they encounter online, and don't know which are actual diagnosable conditions with a research evidence base (which might be useful to have noted on a file) and which are terms coined sometimes by a complete random person, to explain a common experience which then gain popularity online - a completely different process.

Indeed as also included in the quote, some clinicians are using this term in medical reports, and in fact the origin of the term "RSD" particularly is a doctor who is fairly vocal online about ADHD. I don't think it's a stretch at all that many people assume that it is an actual medical condition. To me the fault here lies with a system that makes it so difficult to access all-around assessment/diagnosis or support after diagnosis, that parents are forced to take their curiosity to the internet and are then presented with a confusing mishmash of good information, disinformation, and well-meaning-but-wrong information.

IME most people who want official documentation of something want this because they assume it will lead to better understanding of their child or better communication with other adults who are involved with the child. Perhaps self-distancing is a motivation for some people, but your post sounds like you're suggesting everyone who seeks diagnosis of anything for any reason is trying to distance themselves, which is odd because further up you mention ADHD medication, which is of course only available with an ADHD diagnosis.

Hi OP, if it’s any reassurance to your son, tell him teachers expect Year 7’s to be late to lessons for the first few weeks as they are finding their way around a big building and they are expected to get lost! I’m a teacher and lots of my Year 7 students have stumbled into my classroom late and flustered. It’s expected and no teacher minds. I know a student is late for a good faith reason. Even I as a teacher there for a few years struggle with remembering where every room is!

Also, loads of Year 7 feel anxious about making friends. The whole year group will feel like that. It’s probably the biggest query we get from parents at this time. Some children find it easier than others. Tell your child to maybe focus on one or two other boys he’s sitting next to and to be brave and initiate a conversation. The other kid is probably just as nervous and relieved someone is talking to him! Just mundane small talk about lessons, weekend plans, pencil cases, their old school, their rucksack, lunch etc. will be fine.

And I promise no teacher hates your son. It’s impossible to form any sort of opinion on a Year 7 student after one lesson and in all my years of teaching, I’ve never actively hated a child. Yes some have been unpleasant and I’ve disliked teaching them but never hated, and especially not a Year 7! They are so little!

No, DS1 has a dual AuDHD diagnosis and is medicated.

I actually massively appreciate it when parents investigate and get the appropriate treatment for their children. I do wonder if our more permissive style of parenting - and even helicopter/snowplough parenting - as a society has contributed to some of these children’s difficulties.

I would imagine it’s really difficult for an ND child to cope in a house with unclear boundaries, mixed messages, and an inconsistent reaction to behaviour and emotions. It must also be hard to cope with a poorly behaved child, especially if you as a parent don’t have the tools to apply consistent and supportive boundaries

Apologies to OP, we’ve gone off on a bit of a tangent.

Thanks everyone for your comments, I think I posted in haste. The rest of the week was great with lots of good feedback from him and smiles, I saw him high-fiving another student goodbye after school on Friday. We did try medication in the past but it made my son really anxious and he loves himself and his personality and in his words ‘doesn’t want to change.’ I have explained that ADHD medications aren’t about changing yourself but that is his perspective on them and at 12 I’m respecting his thoughts.

There a a number of quandaries with the current state of psychiatric diagnoses.

one quandary we are in is that adhd medicine would ‘benefit’ quite a lot of people in that it would make them a more efficient version of themselves. They’re used as study drugs and mothers are known to have taken their children’s Ritalin. The drugs working is not an acid test for the condition. Strategies and environmental measures are the most effective change.

the second is that concepts of mental health such as RSD are not unique to adhd.

Neither of these statements means the child/ adult isn’t struggling nor reduces the impact of the distress they’re experiencing. It is driving a mass diagnosis need which is funding a lot of private companies. And a lot of city traders have also invested in these.

Make a timetable for him op. M-F and what he needs to take in each day. Before he leaves or better the night before, he checks his bag. It’s first week adjusting.

Pleased to hear he’s doing better!

I have rarely seen a child who doesn’t become much more anxious on adhd meds. Very few of the children I teach are on them. And actually two women I know who’ve gained recent adhd / autism diagnoses found the meds awful.

This is why we really do need to be thinking more holistically for all children who are struggling, diagnosed or not.

I’m a secondary school teacher and can tell you that at least once a day someone forgets a PE bag/water bottle/pencil case/blazer in my classroom, especially at this time of year. He needs reassurance that, even if he is doing it more often than others, it’s not a big deal and teachers don’t hate him. He needs help to come up with strategies that will work for him to check for things before he leaves a room, but it may also be worth asking the SENCO to ask teachers to help him check at the end of lessons as he gets used to things. Crucially - help him check, not check for him and run after him with forgotten items!

I wonder how far you do these things for him at home and whether it’s time to start helping him do them: thinking through what is needed for the day; checking he has all his things before he leaves the house/leaves the park/gets out of the car; packing a bag for a trip/holiday/weekend away; checking nothing gets left behind when leaving a hotel room/holiday accommodation? He will always find these things difficult - that’s why he has a diagnosis - but he can learn to manage them better with routines. My son is always the one looking under beds and checking the bathroom for things left behind because I made a point of teaching him these routines over and over again. He therefore also has a check around his desk/under his desk before leaving the classroom, as a routine. You may already be doing this, of course, but I also know I had to consciously shift out of the slightly protective mode of avoiding losing things by checking myself in order to help him be more independent. It does take time, though - there’s a lot to think about when they start secondary school and it will get easier in the coming weeks.

OP I think you're right to follow your son's lead WRT his thoughts on medication. Just one piece of info to store for the future just in case - they do not have permanent effects. If he wanted to at any point, he could always try it out on a trial basis e.g. for 2 weeks, and then stop if he didn't like it. A good supervising doctor will be able to adjust or swap for side effects such as an increase in anxiety. Personally my experience is that (there are two main stimulants used for ADHD) I got an increase in anxiety on one of them but not the other. Two of my DC are on medication. DS1 first tried it at 13/14 and didn't get on with it but restarted it at 16 and does find it helpful although has difficulty with maintaining the routine of taking it regularly. He only takes it on school and work days.

DS2 could not cope with school at all without it, to the point we were constantly getting pulled in for talks, they were looking at referring him to specialist education etc. But with medication it has been a complete turnaround and he's thriving, at least for now. I actually think it makes him (and me) less anxious in many situations because we tend to have a bit more emotional control and so are less likely to get caught up in anxious feelings in the moment.

I do hope your tutor catch up goes well (tomorrow?) - it does sound like these are relatively normal settling-in type worries and it might be that some supportive structure around the school routine can help him at home. I've found Seth Perler really helpful before with ideas about what kinds of thing to set up and how to maintain that. He's also really honest about how much preteens tend to listen to parents which is refreshing. His website looks a bit more set up to direct you to paid stuff now but I think there are still free resources here: https://sethperler.com/blog/