Is this sickening or AIBU

[Threelionsandalioness]

Ok so ill try to keep this as short as possible
I have been told that i am sometimes an over the top protective parent.
So im not quite sure how to feel or if what I feel is right ? There isn't many people i can talk to in real life about this as it feels very uncomfortable for me.
so ive come here to ask your opinions.
I live in quite a small town and the majority of people have grown up here and have grown up together so things get around quite easily.
On friday an 8yr old little girl found her father after he had overdosed in the living room.
The little girl is a pupil at my sons small school.the school have arranged a bake sale to help with funds for the little girls family.
Here's that bit that really has made me feel uncomfortable and shocked.
Monday afternoon the little girl another little girl who looked the same age as her a little boy no older than 5 and another girl no older than 11/12 were standing on the corner of the street that the little girl and her family home is on shouting to passers by and cars that were in the traffic to stop and come and buy some of their things to pay for said little girls father's funeral and to give him the send off he deserves?
There was not an adult in sight supervising these young children i assume it was the 11/12 year olds job.
I walked up and down the street to see if there were any adults and to see if they knew the children were next to the main road shouting at the people in the traffic and passers by ?I waited for around 40 mins and not one adult anywhere not even a front door open.
Outside the little girls home were tables full of children's things and cartons of drinks and a sign had been stuck on the street in children's handwriting that said we cant afford a funeral please buy our stuff and the little girls name.
The table did have three chairs behind as if there were at some point adults maybe seated there?.
I can not comprehend the trauma this little girl has had after finding her father passed away.
Why is she not at home being comforted and with her mum and her siblings ? What parent would ever lay on a child's shoulders of this age that they can not afford a funeral for her father so she has to sell her own belongings.
Why were these children unsupervised ?
Tberes so much I can not comprehend but I am just wondering is this just me ? Am I being ridiculous? But I feel physically sick at the thought of my 9yr old being in this position or even having to hear that we couldn't afford a funeral for a.loved one let alone his parent that he found deceased ? To me its disgusting ! How have any adult allowed this to happen ?
Or should I just stop over thinking this ?

How much is a funeral these days? £4-6k? Who has that money set aside just in case? Id be struggling to pay for one right at this moment in time. However, yes i agree, little kids in this situation unsupervised is not on really. Very sad its the little girl feeling she needs to sell her stuff to pay for it 🤦🏻‍♀️

You are absolutely right, this is awful and the remaining parent is doing a terrible job despite their grief. Poor poor children.

YANBU! Why exploit the little girl? If you want to raise money for a funeral, the adult should organise this. To get the little girl to sell anything, let alone her own stuff is a ploy to garner people's sympathy and get them to dig a bit deeper into their pockets than they would if an adult was asking. This is probably why she was out there without any supervision.
People will see her and think how sad that she is selling her belongings.

Just out of interest, how do you know the details of how her father died?

I think you should speak to the Safeguarding Lead at the school, and tell them your concerns.
Raising funds with a bake sale is one thing, but the school should know that the child ( and their siblings) urgently needs support, and focus their attention on that.
Grief does weird things to people. The surviving parent is clearly not supervising the children properly, the children may feel that they want to do something constructive rather than hanging around around the house with sobbing relatives.
When I was a teenager, the little boy next door lost his father whilst his mother was out of the country for a while, and he was staying with other family members, but in the same house. He came knocking on my door, asking if he could come in because " they're all so miserable at home". Heartbreaking stuff, they were all grieving so much they couldn't look after the needs of a child. We had him over as much as we could just to give him some normality.

No one needs a £4k funeral. The council will dispose of the body for free and you can then spend any money you have on a buffet in a pub or church hall.

Thats what I’m doing for me, I hate all that coffin/hearse/weird outfit stuff. I’m putting money behind the bar and getting m and a sandwiches in.

Its a ridiculous cost really. Ive always considered giving my body to medical science and then they dispose of you afterwards

If the family don’t have any money there is a funeral grant that will pay for a simple funeral, no black horses though.

They don’t always, often your family still have to deal with you once they’ve finished with you.

oh my god that poor babyi would report to social services faster than you can say “ashes to ashes”. i have a funny feeling they want all the frills and falderals negating the fact they don’t have the money for it and as if it wasn’t hard enough to find him dead presumed with paraphernalia, it’s now on her shoulders to sell her toys etc to pay for it. totally heartbreaking and sickening, the council will arrange a direct cremation and they could have a pay-for-your-own pub lunch to share memories and grief. there is something very very wrong in that family and that poor little one should not be in the middle of such an atrocious situation, please please please do the right thing @Threelionsandalioness, don’t let her suffer any more or slip through the cracks, i’ve had to do similar myself and although i felt terrible about the confusing upheaval, it was absolutely the right decision and the child concerned is now thriving.

It sounds like a desperate family in a desperate situation to me. Have you done anything to help the family op?

There is a go fund me i have donated a considerable amount too it has reached the target of £1000

A council won't dispose of a body for free. They look to the nearest relative. You can get help if you are on UC or Pension Credits. I have, sadly, had to look in to it this week.

It should not be on little girls shoulders to carry the finacial burden of a funeral for her father ...why is she not with her surviving parent like her older siblings are ? Why is she on the street selling her belongings ? Any financial burden shouldnt be a little ones shoulders
This is not ok that little gorl should be home should be being shown love an support and that shes cared for not on the street with tables of her belongings selling them ? Well thats just my humble opinion anyway.
To me i would think it would more so than ever a time to be holding her close not allowing her on a street without any supervision shouting for people.to buy her belongings to pay for her dad's funeral and send off ? I believe this is so wrong and I will be talking the school safeguarding.
As an adult grief is one of the worst things to navigate let alone a young girl ? Let to be on the streets thank you all for commenting

I’m not sure sickening is the right word but it is terribly sad.

At 8, she will be aware of the bake sale and that fundraising is happening and why. So the idea that she is completely shielded from the fact that the family are struggling to pay funeral costs is unrealistic. Although how this has been explained to the 8 year old is relevant - it should not have been presented in any way as a problem that she needs to solve. But I can imagine a scenario where the 8 year old thinks I want to do something to help what can I do? Maybe it could feel like a productive way to channel her grief?

I’ve seen kids locally holding toy sales or lemonade stands at that age to raise money for xyz. I don’t think it’s appropriate that they were shouting at people on the street but maybe kids being a bit overzealous and not understanding appropriate behaviours.

How do you know she’s not being shown any love and support at home? I don’t think you can leap to that conclusion based on this. Perhaps you have wider context or opinions of the family that’s making you see this all in a certain light? To me it sounds desperate, sad and yes misjudged but not necessarily neglectful in the way you’re suggesting. In any case if you’re concerned about a child you should always report it and the safeguarding lead will decide how to proceed.

An 8 year old found her dad dead from an overdose on friday? Less than a week later the school has arranged a bake sale to raise funds for the family?

Well a 5 year old and an 8 year old being out without adult supervision on their own especially near a busy road talking to strangers is neglectful in itself! And incredibly risky...who knows who is in those cars :-/

I wouldn’t automatically say that’s neglectful on that alone. Four kids together including a 11/12 year old sibling, in a small town where everyone knows each other, standing at the end of their street. But again I think it’s ok to be cautious when children are concerned and let the school monitor/ take action as necessary.

I would feel very sorry for the little girl and her family but I wouldn't assume that adults were behind the toy sale, it sounds more like something children would organise themselves. Were any of the other children related to her? Did you not think to ask the children whether any adults knew what they were doing? You have already donated to a Go Fund Me which seems to have been quite a conservative target. If you have concerns about any children local to you speak to the school.

An awful and tragic situation for the family. I agree that the girl should not be burdened with the idea she needs to fund her fathers funeral, though in times of grief I think conversations sometimes happen when people aren't thinking entirely straight and don't realise that the kids can overhear, of perhaps don't even think that there are consequences to the kid overhearing.

But while the lack of supervision could be a worry if the girls was looking for comfort, given the trauma she's experienced, she was right outside her home and may well have had all the comfort and support she needed whenever she wanted it.

The fact the kids had no adult with them is. not an immediate red flag to me. Not clear how busy and dangerous the main road was and whether they behaved recklessly, or knew how to stay safe. There was a group of them and had an older kid with them, close to their house in a small and tight knit community - this is the sort of situation where childhood independence can thrive. The girl may have been relieved to get out of a grieving household and enjoy having a clear task to keep her busy. I would suggest that part of your horror is the reminder of what she's gone through.

You seem to be assuming there are other responsible adults in this child’s life.
I’d assume the mother equally suffers from addiction and the sale was set up by the children.
The child may have witnessed other equally difficult situations in her short life.

Why is she not at home being comforted and with her mum and her siblings ? What parent would ever lay on a child's shoulders of this age that they can not afford a funeral for her father so she has to sell her own belongings. Why were these children unsupervised There’s so much I can not comprehend but I am just wondering is this just me?

Well, yes, obviously it’s an unsatisfactory and shit situation that needs addressing. No one is going to argue with that.

However, it is likely just you wondering ‘why’. You really can’t think of answers/scenarios for any of the things you ask. You really can’t? I believe you can. You just don’t like the answers that you come up with but it is what it is. Instead of coming with faux confusion to Mumsnet, maybe directly communicating the concerns with the schools safeguarding lead would be more productive?

If her father died of drug overdose that already tells her what kind of family that is and how likely they are to be involved

Not "faux" confusion is it ???....its my opinion that this is not ok and before I go to the school I wanted to see if i was just being over the top about the awfulness of the situation all round thank you.
There isnt a straight answer is there ? Everyone as you can see has a different opinion and as I have already stated I dint have adults in real life that I can discuss this with !
Thank you everyone your perspectives have helped me and put my mind at rest too

Yes it was sent out to all parents Monday afternoon regarding a pupil loosing a parent on friday so on this friday tbere is a bake sale and asking for cake donations

I think you need to purchase a dictionary if you feel using the word ‘sickening’ in the title is appropriate.
How about you offer the family support.