Feeling self conscious about the appearance of my labia after childbirth (and it's affecting intimacy)

[Kentishlass86]

Hi all,

I'm posting here because I genuinely don't know who else to ask. I've been with my DH for 12 years and we have two DC. Since my second birth (which was quite traumatic and involved forceps), I've noticed that things look different down there. One side is noticeably longer than the other now, and there's some scarring that never quite healed flat.

I know this sounds vain, but it's really affecting how I feel during sex. I can't relax because I'm constantly wondering what he's thinking. He's never said anything negative — in fact he says he hasn't even noticed — but I can't shake the feeling that he's just being kind. We've gone from having sex twice a week to maybe once a month because I keep making excuses.

I've been googling labiaplasty, which I never thought I'd say, but the thought of surgery down there terrifies me. I had a bad tear with my first and the recovery was awful. I don't think I could go through anything like that again by choice.

Has anyone else struggled with this after birth? Does the appearance improve over time or is this just how it is now? Did anyone actually go ahead with surgery and was it worth it? Or did anyone find a way to just accept it and move on?

I feel ridiculous writing this out. There are women dealing with prolapse and incontinence and I'm worried about how things look. But it's really getting me down and I don't know how to talk to anyone about it.

Sorry for the overshare.

Thanks

I had the repair surgery for myself.
DH was never bothered.

All good now except for the menopause atrophy! Our poor vaginas go through so much!

Op please believe me that if your DH is a good man. Then he will be more concerned you’ve pulled back than he is about you labia.

Without being twee if he’s anything like me you and your vulva have given him two children and he will forever be thankful of that. My wife has a scar that I couldn’t ignore was there when she asked me about it . Was a horrendous pressure to answer without warning and not fuck it up !!

I genuinely didn’t care just thought it was part of life but it bothered her so didn’t want to minimise either.. can’t even remember my exact words is a haze but it went ok and she believed me. Believe you fella he just wants you xxx

so what if one side is longer? Are they supposed to be the same then?
can you imagine if a man actually said “sorry, I don’t find you attractive because your labia are not the same length”…??? No man would say this!!

Lol, labia are not decorative throw pillows .. they’re not supposed to be perfectly symmetrical, and after two births, including forceps it would be more surprising if absolutely nothing looked different. Your husband is literally telling you he hasn’t noticed and I sincerely doubt he’s conducting a forensic inspection mid-sex anyway so you’re letting a completely normal body variation wreck your sex life over a flaw he probably could not identify anyway.

But you have had 2 kids, has nothing else changed in your body? It's what happens. It's probably the one area noone else would notice, saggy boobs, weight gain, stretch marks are all normal signs of birth. You can be a mother and also desirable to your husband. It's your body, do with it what you will, but don't be ashamed of your perfectly normal post birth body

Believe him when he says he doesn't even notice. They are small changes, more noticeable to you as it's your body.
I used to worry about my thighs until my partner said ' I don't get down that far!'

You’ve done good by seeking reassurance on MN. They disappear when you get older so don’t worry 🤗

No man allowed at the holy place cares about what the flaps look like.

But it obviously bothers you. Get the surgery if it'll help you. More importantly have a heart to heart with your husband. It's a heavy stone to carry.