Feeling self conscious about the appearance of my labia after childbirth (and it's affecting intimacy)

[Kentishlass86]

Hi all,

I'm posting here because I genuinely don't know who else to ask. I've been with my DH for 12 years and we have two DC. Since my second birth (which was quite traumatic and involved forceps), I've noticed that things look different down there. One side is noticeably longer than the other now, and there's some scarring that never quite healed flat.

I know this sounds vain, but it's really affecting how I feel during sex. I can't relax because I'm constantly wondering what he's thinking. He's never said anything negative — in fact he says he hasn't even noticed — but I can't shake the feeling that he's just being kind. We've gone from having sex twice a week to maybe once a month because I keep making excuses.

I've been googling labiaplasty, which I never thought I'd say, but the thought of surgery down there terrifies me. I had a bad tear with my first and the recovery was awful. I don't think I could go through anything like that again by choice.

Has anyone else struggled with this after birth? Does the appearance improve over time or is this just how it is now? Did anyone actually go ahead with surgery and was it worth it? Or did anyone find a way to just accept it and move on?

I feel ridiculous writing this out. There are women dealing with prolapse and incontinence and I'm worried about how things look. But it's really getting me down and I don't know how to talk to anyone about it.

Sorry for the overshare.

Thanks

The recovery from labiaplasty is nothing like childbirth, because it’s controlled incisions on outer tissue only. Many women have the procedure because it affects their mental health and desire for sex, and in severe cases can have issues with hygeine and chaffing. Just because there are bigger problems in this world, doesn’t reduce the impact of your problem on your life.

Trust me no man cares about this. How long would he even be looking at it for? Switch the lights off!

I think you should believe your husband. I'm confident he really doesn't care.
Spoken by someone who nearly had a fit when she ventured down there with a mirror after childbirth. It hasn't improved 15 years later but affects nothing.

Thank you. I'd never thought about it like that, the controlled incisions bit especially. And the mental health side is the big thing. I've been hiding from my husband for over a year now. It's not vanity, it's eating away at me.

I want to believe him, I do. I just wish I could stop overthinking it. I'm glad it doesn't affect anything for you after 15 years.

Man here. 100% confirm he has not noticed and does not care

Same here. Second degree tear with DS1 on the left side and it looks very different to the right side. I mentioned it once to DH and he couldn’t understand why I was going on about it.

I would only consider the surgery if it was causing actual physical problems, not because of appearance.

Hey OP. Sorry you are going through this.

It’s important though to point out that labia are not symmetrical and usually one of the is bigger than the other. Are you sure the difference is noticeable and not yourself hyper focusing on it?

Yep, mine looks pretty different these days after 2 kids. One side longer than the other. Darker colour. Now my pubic hair is going weird too - bald in patches and greying, just like my head hair!
Men in my life have never cared two hoots about it. Everything works just fine.
I think being hung up about what it looks like is a bit unhealthy. Just accept yourself the way you are. Be proud of yourself. You are so much more than your looks. You are so worthy.

I know they're never perfectly symmetrical, I do. It just feels like it's changed so much since the birth, more than it should have. I think that's what I can't get past.

There’s no way not to sound like I’m being mean or joking, but I don’t understand why women think men look at anything objectively during sex or in the lead up to it. I doubt any men look at it at all. Your body gave you your children and it’s still in working condition- that’s all you need

What do you mean though by ‘changed more than it should have’? According to your own expectations? Or according to what you think is medically normal?

I expect it’s medically normal if it isn’t causing physical pain or problems. It might not be what you expected to happen though, and I can see why that might be upsetting.

I can only assure you that many/most women look and feel different in that area after vaginal birth. In menopause, the shape and size of everything can change again. All of this is normal and experienced by many women. It sounds like you have a man that loves you just as you are which is a wonderful thing.

I spent years wanting to change my boobs after extended breastfeeding and weight gain/weight loss. I hate them but have to acknowledge that they did their job really well. My DH doesn’t give two hoots what they look like, he’s just pleased to be allowed near them. When I have expressed insecurities to him, he points out that his hairline is not where it was when I met him, and that his body has changed over the years. And he’s right.

I hope you can find a way to accept your natural, amazing body which did such an amazing job of growing and birthing two humans.

I have no idea what my labia looks like and couldn’t care less so I’m curious to know why it matters to you, OP.

I doubt that he gives a flippity flip. Would he pass up sex because of a different labia? I doubt it. But get the surgery if you'll feel better.

Honestly don’t worry. Men are happy that they’re getting it with their partner, he really won’t care.

💪👌👏

Does he spend ages staring at it from the business end when you have sex? If so, maybe stop doing that if it makes you self conscious? Either way, I seriously doubt he cares one jot. Why would he?!? There’s no way it could affect the feeling he gets from sex?!

Go over the the Ask Men Reddit and search for threads where women have asked men what they think about all sorts of labia. You will find that overwhelmingly they do not give the slightest toss about this. They’re just happy to be there.

I’m really sorry you’re feeling self conscious OP.
can you share how much you stare at your own labia (and compare it to others you are seeing) to have formed the view that yours are somehow different?

I feel the same. One side of my labia has got so long I need to 'tuck it in' or it hangs out and is painful. Think peri may have made it worse.I think I've withdrawn from my husband too. Some days I think he doesn't notice or care... And others I think it's completely impossible he's not noticed.

Sorry, you think it’s impossible your husband hasn’t noticed your labia is so long you need to tuck it in?

or you think it’s impossible he hasn’t noticed you’ve withdrawn from him?

If it's not causing pain or discomfort, then there's absolutely nothing wrong with it. Shift the way you frame it - vulvas are not meant to look 'pretty' and ornamental (imo, no genitals look 'attractive'), they're meant to bring us pleasure. Does it do that? If so, then wonderful!

Stop focusing on how it looks (who cares? Certainly not your husband!) as you're shortchanging yourself on the pleasure that you could be experiencing, and that's the important part.

So true …do we ever look at men’s balls and compare the wrinkles how they hang are they even, hanging to the same level? I don’t…it’s the pleasure of putting ourselves together and having fun with the sensation not some ridiculous idea of how things should be symmetrical or look perfect…from far away …

Get super close OP and give him no time to stare 🍀

It all changes again after menopause, changes there over your life are normal. From puberty to adulthood, babies, hormones, aging. As a pp said you lose your pubes and they change colour. Many women have childbirth scars. I had c sections and my scar isn’t great, lots of scar tissue causing a “shelf” lower abdomen . I don’t like it, but it’s from my children so it was worth it.
We are also whole women, not a selection of parts . Your DH sees you, and the body that made children, you don’t have defects, just small changes that reflect what you have built . Whole new people !

It probably has changed , but not necessarily for the worse?! Just different. Why would different = horrible ?

its one of those things like if you ever chip a tooth or lose a filling and keep poking it with your tongue it feels MASSIVE but then when you have a look in the mirror you can barely see it . It feels and looks very different to you but he won’t have noticed . I mean you’ve pointed it out and he still can’t tell!
It probably didn’t look that pretty in the first place tbf, maybe it looks better now! Like rearranging your bedroom ,I’ve seen loads they are all variations on a theme, the only time they ever look uniform and neat is on a baby or small child, once you hit puberty all bets are off .
there is an art exhibition that has something like 300 photos and 3d impressions of real women’s vulvas , find it and have a good look, thst should reassure you somewhat.
Also when and at what angle does he actually get inches away from it? If he’s that close he’ll have his eyes closed, surely .
I mean this really nicely but get over it , I think you have built this up massively and now ‘ it’s a thing’ , you’ve trained your brain to keep pulling your thoughts back to it , honestly , you have nothing to worry about, be nicer to yourself . 💐