AIBU to feel hurt that friends barely checked in after hospital?

[SunflowersInTheRain3]

Fully prepared to be told I’m just being unreasonable here, I’m probably just tired and overthinking it all and being a bit too sensitive but I just feel a bit shit about everything

I was really unwell recently and actually had a cardiac arrest. I survived thanks to CPR and amazing medical care but spent weeks in hospital after it

ive always been so supportive of my friends when stuff happened in their lives- recently my best friend had a minor operation and I sent a card and some pick-me-up gifts, favourite snacks, fluffy socks, nice hand cream, new pjs, that sort of thing. Just small gifts to cheer up. Made sure to check in that they were doing ok, recovering ok and if they needed anything I made sure to help with it. They were genuinely really grateful for all the support but I just saw it as something best friends do for each other

my other friends are a similar situation- I’ve always made sure to support and help whenever needed whatever time of day

But when I was unwell, my friends sort of occasionally checked in but not really. I was alone in hospital and really unwell and utterly miserable but my friends never really bothered to contact me- a few would maybe ask every few days is everything ok but then wouldn’t reply for ages and just generally felt like they didn’t really give a shit

i know people are busy and have their own lives and id never expect my friends to bend over backwards purely because i wasn’t well, but after id been so supportive of them it felt like a bit of a kick in the teeth i guess. One best friend in particular didn’t message or contact me for 10 days but in the meantime was posting constantly on their story that my friend group was out for dinner, out for cocktails etc.

I probably sound really sensitive and dramatic and it’s probably clouded a bit by the emotions of being so unwell, but has anyone else had similar before? Any advice for toughening up and not being so overly sensitive? Just felt so alone and it felt pretty shit tbh, just not sure if I’m being a bit overly sensitive about it all😅

@SunflowersInTheRain3 i’m really sorry to hear about everything that you’ve been through.

I think a really good friend would visit you in the hospital yes.

It’s taken me a long time and several years to understand that some people can consider themselves good friends, but they wouldn’t do a visit. That’s why I’ve asked another poster to expand on that because I’m curious what the reason is. I’m genuinely trying to learn.

Seems harsh. Sometimes people are busy with their own stuff, but I don't blame you thinking they could have done more here.
I don't know if this applies, but I had similar after a stillbirth, and realised a lot of my friends saw me as the fun party one, in other words, they liked spending time with me out, but the friendships were superficial-they started messaging again when they thought I'd be back to going out. It really made me think and now I have changed how I am/who I'm close to. As I say, I don't know if this is relevant with you, but it took me a lot of soul searching.

I think your friends were a bit crap. A good friend of mine (but not one of my closest friends) had a horrible accident last year. I messaged him every day when he was in hospital and visited a few times during his recovery period. If people have time to go out for drinks they have time to visit.

Shit bag friends, drop them. I had similar after a close relative died.

OP so sorry you have been so unwell. Virtual thoughts and prayers that you recover well.

I am shocked somebody suggested they are too busy out socialising. In my view a good friend would prioritise you in this situation.

Sadly I’ve found these kind of life changing events can really expose some imbalance in friendships and you’ll find others have had similar experiences.

I got pneumonia last year and was really unwell. I had a friend who I had done sooo much for, like way above and beyond in terms of emotional and practical support. I hadn’t even considered that when I needed a small amount of support from her she would be nowhere to be found! Friendship effectively over now as I was unable to see it the same way again. I’m still bothered by it!

Maybe you can see this as a new chapter in your life, a new chance for your body, and a new chance to think about your friendships and maybe make new ones that feel more reciprocal. Before and after.

Wish you all the best.

Your ‘friends’ sound pretty uncaring. A cardiac arrest is about as serious as it gets yet their level of concern is akin to as if you’d had a cold!

Unfortunately, this is probably the time to re-assess these relationships. There’s nothing like a crisis to find out who really cares about you.

Anyway, I hope you’re OK. If you were my friend I would have been visiting you regularly and offering support x

Did they actually know you were ill, did you just mention it in a whatsapp group where it got lost in chat? You don't seem to have had a couple of "real" friends inthe middle of the big group. However, I had cancer a little while ago and i told as few people as i could. I didn't want to give information or hear about how sick other people were! My first proper night out after treatment one of the people I knew practically recommended I made the local hospice my new social society!

I think you’re too prepared to question yourself. They’ve shown they are not loyal, that they’re superficial and self-serving.
You’ve been through a profound and frightening experience, and are thankfully are still here.
Drop the rope. Look for better friends in future who truly deserve you and reciprocate your thoughtfulness and kindness.

Wow some friends you have op.

Have we gone so far, not visiting someone in hospital is acceptable, especially when they've had a cardiac arrest!

So sorry you've been so ill op. If you were my friend, I'd be straight to see you. With gifts and attention and my time. I'd also be there to help you after leaving if you needed me.

Spend your health and time with people who actually care for you op. You're not being unreasonable. Some people just don't give two shits about other people.

I have had at least 6 friends go through cancer, and though it was completely gruelling, they all believe it really showed them all clearly, who their real friends and family were.
They have completely adjusted their priorities accordingly.
When former friends became inclined to drift back, they were give given a firm brush off.

You are completely justified in how you feel OP. You don’t have to do or say anything dramatic, but quietly I would let some of these friendships slide and start building new ones. It feels hard but many of us have been there and done similar- things like this really do show you who your true friends are. I hope you are recovering well now. Don’t second guess yourself and dismiss it as you being too needy or demanding- you are absolutely not at all, this is not on you, you’ve been unlucky in having what sound like quite selfish friends, but I promise you can make new and better ones!

Surely the fact they were posting that they were out and about shows you that they were very busy and might not have had much time to have the level of contact you were expecting?

Yeah op! You're so needy! They were out having cocktails, stop being selfish! Ffs!

Please stop questioning yourself. Your expectations are completely healthy and normal. Unfortunately you probably won't be able to go back to these friendships. Are you all very young?

Thanks for all the get well comments❤️ definitely feeling much better now!

yeah they knew how serious it was. And they knew I was quite scared and upset about it afterwards whilst in hospital

i actually saw some friends yesterday (first time seeing them since discharged from hospital and since it happened) and they chatted about their new jobs, partners new jobs, their new jobs some more, and more, their holiday, their friends… literally chatted for hours without asking me anything. It was only when i said about going for the train (normally i drive but obviously cant drive right now) that someone said oh yeah how are you feeling?😅

put it this way, this situation has made me realise a lot of things about a lot of people whom I thought were my friends

Please do not think this is normal behaviour.
It really isn't.
What you describe is nearly unbelievable.
Time for you to drop that rope and match their energy.
Mind yourself.

“literally chatted for hours without asking me anything”

I find that extraordinary. There does seem to be more of it about, so much so that I feel as if I missed a memo and absolutely everyone else has got it!

I definitely think there’s been a cultural shift, but I won’t go on about why I think that is.

Do you have some friends who have been helpful? I’m glad you’re recovering.

This is unbelievably shit behaviour from your friends. One of my close friends had a heart attack last year, 42, recently married. It was such a shock to us all, we visited her at the hospital, I sent gifts for her when she got home. She ended up being in hospital for a really long time as they discovered a growth in her heart.

It was major surgery with a chance she might not make it. The group of us who are all friends did video calls with her once we weren't allowed to visit (to minimise the risk of infection to my friend prior to the surgery). Even now almost a year later we are checking in with her. She's back at work but phased and gentle duties.

I just can't believe how selfish your friends were! I'm sorry op and I hope you feel better soon, wishing you well.x

This!
Real friends would do something. Ive had quite a few admissions and surgeries over the years. I am recovering from surgery now. Friends who would usually pop in, or ask if I need anything when they are at the shop (next to my house) havent even text to ask how it went. I mean, I could be in a coma for all they know. Conversely, some ladies who I met recently have been amazing and even though I dont take them up on their offers, they keep offering and checking in. Following that Ive had a re-think of who friends are (ive had time as lots of recovery) and going through messages I can see who is making the effort with some friends (me) and who isnt(them). I will accept that for what it is and re-divert my energy. I have some friendships that have lasted decades. The ones I made in the laat 10 years are not great at all, save for a couple. I dont know why but I am more successful making friends with people 5-10 years older than me. So, in all that. You arent being sensitive or too emotional - you have the capacity to see it for what it is. Your cup is not being filled. You have a new life ahead of you now. New start. Keeping an eye on the heart and in doing so, looking for healthy friendships rather than flogging dead horses. Hurrah for CPR. Wishing you a good recovery and happy times ahead.

Wow. Ok, that's really crappy behaviour from them. What a bunch of selfish shits. I'm sorry, @SunflowersInTheRain3 Really hope you are feeling better day by day.

Do you have someone in real life you could talk things through with? You've had two enormously significant events in short succession - your life hanging in the balance followed by the realization that your friends are not who you thought they were.

It might well be worth looking into getting some professional therapeutic help to process everything.

Big unmumsnetty hug from me. 💐

They’re not your friends. Sorry. You deserve so much more.

Wow really? If a friend of yours had a cardiac arrest you wouldn’t check in to see if they were ok a few times at least?

OP for what it’s worth - I’m in your camp and would feel very hurt! I hope you are feeling better now. But please don’t change your caring nature because of the behaviour of others!

@A671090 I was really hoping that poster would come back. I clearly have a lot to learn about friendship and I’d be genuinely interested in any follow-ups.

Friendship isn’t a mirror used to reflect other people’s vanity, it isn’t a background of figures to boost egos.
OP I’m glad you have seen through their selfishness and superficiality, that you’re on the mend and growing in strength.

That’s awful, OP. I am so sorry.

I think before you bin them off completely I’d say something 1:1 to the ones you’re closest to about how hurt you are that they said and did so little when you needed support.