AIBU to feel hurt that friends barely checked in after hospital?

[SunflowersInTheRain3]

Fully prepared to be told I’m just being unreasonable here, I’m probably just tired and overthinking it all and being a bit too sensitive but I just feel a bit shit about everything

I was really unwell recently and actually had a cardiac arrest. I survived thanks to CPR and amazing medical care but spent weeks in hospital after it

ive always been so supportive of my friends when stuff happened in their lives- recently my best friend had a minor operation and I sent a card and some pick-me-up gifts, favourite snacks, fluffy socks, nice hand cream, new pjs, that sort of thing. Just small gifts to cheer up. Made sure to check in that they were doing ok, recovering ok and if they needed anything I made sure to help with it. They were genuinely really grateful for all the support but I just saw it as something best friends do for each other

my other friends are a similar situation- I’ve always made sure to support and help whenever needed whatever time of day

But when I was unwell, my friends sort of occasionally checked in but not really. I was alone in hospital and really unwell and utterly miserable but my friends never really bothered to contact me- a few would maybe ask every few days is everything ok but then wouldn’t reply for ages and just generally felt like they didn’t really give a shit

i know people are busy and have their own lives and id never expect my friends to bend over backwards purely because i wasn’t well, but after id been so supportive of them it felt like a bit of a kick in the teeth i guess. One best friend in particular didn’t message or contact me for 10 days but in the meantime was posting constantly on their story that my friend group was out for dinner, out for cocktails etc.

I probably sound really sensitive and dramatic and it’s probably clouded a bit by the emotions of being so unwell, but has anyone else had similar before? Any advice for toughening up and not being so overly sensitive? Just felt so alone and it felt pretty shit tbh, just not sure if I’m being a bit overly sensitive about it all😅

Should probably have clarified in my OP- for some of my friends we don’t message everyday and it’s normal for us to only send a few messages back and forth in a typical day. But usually if something has happened (only in their lives so far, this has been the first time I’ve had a big issue in my life) we would message a lot more often and chat more.

probably just being a bit of a baby about it all but it just made me feel so alone and a bit shit tbh!

Did anyone visit you?

If any of my friends had a cardiac arrest, I would be there in hospital visiting them if I could. Failing that, I would send a card and be in regular contact by text. It is such an ordeal both physically and mentally that I would want to be there for them. I’m sorry you have felt neglected OP.

Two things; One, you are making the mistake I make over and over again. Don’t expect people to behave towards you in the way that you behave towards them. Two, you have had a heart condition and it is well known that people are much more emotional after a heart attack or similar. I wish you well.

Surely the fact they were posting that they were out and about shows you that they were very busy and might not have had much time to have the level of contact you were expecting?

I understand you go above and beyond for your friends and it might sting not to get the same treatment in return. Unfortunately many people just aren't able to provide all that, I know I couldn't.

Sorry @SunflowersInTheRain3, that's really disappointing. I wonder, did your friends properly understand how serious this was? Not that that's an excuse for their absence, of course.

Yeah I totally get that. I guess I was just thinking I managed to contact them and support them through stuff even though I was still working and doing normal everyday stuff. But honestly I’m still so tired and emotional after it all so that’s probably clouding my judgement a bit too!

honestly I wasn’t expecting them to contact me constantly and I wasn’t expecting cards or visits or anything at all, but even just a once a day how are you kind of message would have meant a lot. Or just sometimes a quick call or text just to chat about normal stuff. But I appreciate people have busy lives and other stuff going on too!👍🏻

Maybe your friends are selfish like lots of people . I don't think you're being overdramatic or oversensitive.

Quite often people will think 'oh someone else will be visiting Sunflowers' maybe?

Sorry you have been so unwell and for a swift recovery. Be kind to yourself too.

It is shit OP, I don't know why people are arguing that your "friends" didn't have time in their lives to visit someone that had a heart attack because they were out socialising and having drinks with friends!
Yeah they have busy lives but as you said you made time for them in their hour of need.
Take time to recover from your ordeal and maybe have a rethink about how free you are with your own time and energy to people that clearly don't appreciate it.

You have shit friends. Sorry but you had a cardiac arrest that’s pretty serious. Your so called friends could have spent 10 mins in their precious life’s to see you.

Yanbu. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect close friends, who have accepted a lot of support from you when they've needed it, to do a bit more than one message every few days, when you almost died. It doesn't get much more serious than that, and now you've seen where you are in their priorities. I'd pull back on the support I offered them in the future, not from spite but to protect myself from hurt and from being taken advantage of. I can think of few situations where I'd be 'too busy' to visit / send something / arrange something special for when you were out, or at least message my apologies and check in if there was something massive going on that I couldn't change to make sure I was there for you

I honestly totally understand how you're feeling. I would 100% visit you in the hospital but I'm not much of a texter. Everyone has different ways and unfortunately some people's just revolve more around themselves. I hope you're feeling better soon.

I am so sorry OP. They don't sound like good friends. Do you have a partner or family who have supporting you?
I hope you recover quickly.

Honestly, you need to tell them how you feel.

I understand how you’re feeling. I felt really let down by friends when I was very ill. It made me reevaluate the friendships, and I let some of them slide. Sometimes we put a lot of effort into friendships that don’t deserve it.

This. They aren’t true friends- there for the fun and good times but when real life happens they are nowhere to be seen. At least you’ve seen them for what they are. You are definitely not being over sensitive or dramatic.

OP, yanbu.
Good appreciative friends do check in a lot when each other are very unwell.
However, some friends are takers, not givers.

The energy of your friendships are not matched.
Happy to receive, but too busy to really step up.
Sadly it often takes an illness for that penny to drop.
Time to drop that rope and match their energy going forward.
IMO it would be very silly to continue to be putting yourself out for such people again.

I hope you feel better soon.

I think these are both fair points, but the OP still feels how she feels (and yes, probably still dealing with her own near-death and will be feeling the emotional repercussions of that for some time!) I'm sorry, OP, that all sounds absolutely terrifying, and I'm not surprised you're feeling vulnerable and alone.

Being practical about things for a minute, and trying to understand what does absolutely seem like a dereliction of duty -- did you ask them to visit? Did they know you felt well enough for company and wanted it? Do you have a next of kin/family member they thought would be your main visitor? Might they have thought you felt too unwell? Are they geographically close by?

(I'm not offering excuses here, just trying to understand the situation better.)

friends" didn't have time in their lives to visit someone that had a heart attack

A heart attack and a cardiac arrest are not the same thing. But one can cause the other.

Sorry OP but I would be upset, you’re so lucky to be alive, CPR is brutal and so traumatic. Your friends should do better.

I would have visited you OP, I think your friends should have made the effort.

Oh FFS if you had CPR you were really unwell. You shouldn't need to ask people to visit after that! I'm assuming you told them.

They had enough time to go out for cocktails but not do a quick amazon order of some nice things or even dropped their plans for one evening to check on their friend?

Unless you seriously downplayed it, your friends are really horrid, OP.

A distant friend recently had some emergency surgery and I visited them with a little bag of toiletries. They had loads of visitors.

This is perhaps a wake up call that most of your friendships are one sided - or is this all from one group? How old are you, roughly? Sometimes youngsters can be a bit heartless

Ps I became seriously ill and discovered who my real friends are, and it was a tiny fraction of who I thought, sadly. I am a pretty giving person and think I had a lot of relationships which were imbalanced in effort

When my son had a cardiac arrest 2 years ago, my family and friends pretty much dropped everything and rushed to the hospital. That's what you are supposed to do.

A cardiac arrest is so serious. I'm so sorry that it has shown that you need better friends.

These women are not true friends and their actions speak louder than words. It’s time to take a big step back, drop the rope, stop running around after them buying gifts etc, and start to reevaluate your friendships with them. If they notice you are distant and ask why, I’d tell them how sad you were that they weren’t there for you when you were critically ill.

Years ago I had a spinal procedure done and was off work for two months, had to lie flat, wear a back brace when out of bed, and couldn’t lift anything weighing more than 2kg for the first three months etc. Not one friend bothered to visit, text, let alone send a card or gifts like you do (not that I was wanting the latter two). I would have really appreciated someone just bringing me a carton of milk and a loaf of bread (due to the weight, and for which I would have paid for) and have a chat but nothing. It was a bloody awful, painful and lonely time. It really made me reevaluate friendships later and realise that some people just show up for the good times. I would consider myself a good friend who is there in good times and bad (and have been), so it’s disappointing when you discover friends don’t see you in the same light.

When you feel better start looking to expand your friendships. I hope you feel much better soon x

Can I ask you what you mean when you say that you couldn’t? Thanks.