AIBU to feel upset my husband took money from our joint savings?

[BubbleTeaT]

Together 17 years married 3. Gifted £10,000 from my family to buy house 13 years ago, also my dad paid all solicitors fees etc approx £2000, inherited £8000 from my grandma when she passed away. Shared everything with partner/husband, it all went towards the house and renovation.

Husband gifted £8000 two years ago and has been VERY reluctant to put in joint savings but eventually did. He took £400 out this month because he is a bit short ... hes not as he has his own savings too. AIBU that this is selfish as I class it as joint money like everything else we have ever had. I think its more the taking it without discussion.

Iv paid for so much house stuff recently, wall panels, shower screen etc and struggled with not much left for myself at end of month and iv never touched the savings.

His take on it is - i didn't even have to tell you id been gifted that money and I shouldn't have, I should of just kept it.

I would have a joint acc for bills only in this case and keep your own savings/other money separate

Clearly he sees it all as his money. I'd take half and put in my own account.

So you bought the house prior to being married? I'd also see if legally there is anything you can do to so he doesn't get half if you divorce.

Take your money out and put it in a new account in your name only. Two can play that game.

Tell him if he wants to go down that road, you're owed £9400. So you'll take half out the joint account now, and you'll accept a standing order from him for the rest he owes.

So what’s yours is his, and what’s his is his. I mean , as you’re married technically all money and assets are joint, but his attitude sucks. You can put all your money into your joint venture, but he should be allowed to keep his money separate?

In what other ways is he selfish/grabby/ entitled? Bound to be others.

You need to be really clear up front when you're doing separate finances how it will all work. Unfortunately, he doesn't think of his gift as something to be shared so I'd not share any additional money with him beyond the necessary.

You have very different views on savings and sharing. I think you should work out whose put in what and he should pay you back if that's going to be the attitude to money. He sounds very selfish. I would be upset by that attitude.

Yeah there's quite a lot of selfish traits to be honest, I am quite lenient with a lot of stuff because I genuinely don't think he sees how he is, but this has hit me quite hard because its normally been pretty straight forward with money. Im really upset but he doesn't see why im angry.

If it were for a big expense or unexpected expense such as car repairs or holiday payment, I wouldn’t mind so much, although I’d like to have been told. If it was money frittered away, I’d be less happy.,

if you sat down with him and the numbers, point out that all your money’s gone into your joint asset, and say that if his windfall is his money, to repay half of what you spent on your home- how would he react to that? Would he see your point?

This is a bit one-sided. It works if you are both on board with the arrangements but it doesn't sound like you are.

I am not "anti" one joint savings pot, but we had our own separate personal accounts and savings accounts. We had one joint account for bills and another one for household/holiday/fritter money and we both paid into these accounts each month.

The bill account managed itself, and there was usually a surplus towards the end of the year which got moved over to the household/holiday/fritter account. Generally we consulted each other if we wanted to spend a large amount out of this account, but I wouldn't "ask permission" to buy new tea towels or cushion covers etc. We were both sensible and reasonable.

But we kept our own personal savings separate. DH had a hobby which was expensive, he had this hobby well before I came along and how he spent his money was up to him, as long as he was contributing to our bills and household expenses.

I think you need to consider your own savings account and stop paying for household stuff out of your account if he is not contributing fairly.

Its really difficult because he is a terrible communicator, long standing problem of him walking away from issues or avoiding discussions so they turn into bigger arguments. His reaction is to say things like 'I will take my money and fuck off then, cant be arsed being with you anymore nagging' typically this will happen once in 6 months where theres an issue we argue over, its like he can't deal with having a normal two way conversation. The rest of the time things are generally great. I really think there's traits of neuro diversity, possibly autism/ADHD, I think its why I'm quite lenient really.

Why are you in a relationship with someone who behaves like this?

His reaction is to say things like 'I will take my money and fuck off then, cant be arsed being with you anymore nagging'

What would happen if said ‘okay’?

Take all of your own money out of that account and havr separate savings. He doesnt want to share savings so leave him to it.

I think you have to discuss and agree whether gifts and inheritance is joint money or not? You wouldn't be unreasonable to take your savings back out!

Imagine benefitting from thousands of someone elses money and then getting all shirky when it's your chance to contribute some back? How miserly and cheap.

What did he say when you laid out the info in your OP? Had he 'forgotten' the £20k you contributed to the family pot?

He doesn't see his money as shared money so your plan doesn't work.

Take out the money you've put in and tell him to do the same afterwards. Any household expenses after bills are 50/50 or don't get bought.

He's telling you that he can't be arsed with your point of view, take it in. He's going to blow through his money and then go back to sharing yours. It's nothing to do with ND and exceptionally insulting to those of us who are ND. He just doesn't give a shit about your opinion. Wake up.

My first inheritance paid the deposit for our first house. DHs upcoming inheritance will clear the mortgage on this house. Because we are a team and neither of us would be in this position without the other.

Take your share out of joint savings and save it separately

hes not in this relationship as a partner.

pay attention

@BubbleTeaT be angry and then sort out
your finances.

You cannot combine finances with someone that has a totally different outlook to you.

The fact that he doesn’t understand why your angry says it all and his attitude to joint
fin says it all.

Joint account for bills only and you have separate savings accounts. It will be interesting to see his response to that.

I get a bit fucked off with the ND narrative.
My son is autistic (Aspergers). has a partner - he pays for literally everything to do with their house except half the bills as he recognises he earns more so that is fair. This includes home improvements.
He would never, ever behave this way.
I don't really comment on this type of thread but, honestly, I don't know how you could stay married to him
I know I definitely couldn't.

You both need to sit down and agree. Most married couples agree it's easier to just have a joint account, but others prefer not to. No right or wrong, but it needs to be fair and equal.

He obviously wants separate savings, so I would agree with him and take out your contributions.

I wouldn't trust him. I agree with PP, take out your contributions. You don't have to live like this, OP. You could be free and happy.