AIBU to feel upset my husband took money from our joint savings?

[BubbleTeaT]

Together 17 years married 3. Gifted £10,000 from my family to buy house 13 years ago, also my dad paid all solicitors fees etc approx £2000, inherited £8000 from my grandma when she passed away. Shared everything with partner/husband, it all went towards the house and renovation.

Husband gifted £8000 two years ago and has been VERY reluctant to put in joint savings but eventually did. He took £400 out this month because he is a bit short ... hes not as he has his own savings too. AIBU that this is selfish as I class it as joint money like everything else we have ever had. I think its more the taking it without discussion.

Iv paid for so much house stuff recently, wall panels, shower screen etc and struggled with not much left for myself at end of month and iv never touched the savings.

His take on it is - i didn't even have to tell you id been gifted that money and I shouldn't have, I should of just kept it.

I’ve learned the hard way not to grant leniency due to neurodivergence. It’s nothing to do with that and more to do with him being a selfish greedy nasty bastard. I would 100% ask for half of the money you put in back, or just divorce the miserable sod

@BubbleTeaT his take is he didn’t
have to tell you? In that case, I’d be suggesting he redress the balance and pays you half of what has come from you/your family and then he can keep whatever comes his way, as will you. And he can reimburse you half of what you recently spent.

he can’t have it both ways!

Stop making excuses for him and follow the good advice from others . Just pay an amount to the joint account for bills etc each month and keep your own bank account for yourself and he can keep an account for himself. The way he spoke to you is offensive. If he threatens to leave and take his money with him again just say "ok do that"

Neurodiverse or an arse?

So you invested £20,000 of family money and he £8,000 of which he has taken £400 out already? Perhaps rather than argue with him take the full remaining £7,600 out, put it in you own savings account and tell him he still owes you £12,400 and that you won’t be paying your share of bills until it is paid back. If he has an issue with this, why?

Take back whats yours plus half of what you paid out. Dont share your savings.

Split your money

Take all your money out and put it in your own account.

You're twisting yourself into a pretzel to make excuses for a selfish grabby man.

ND is not an excuse nor is being a "bad communicator". You are throwing the sand into your own eyes at this point.

You put in 20 grand, he put in 8. And he wants to keep it all.

If you want an honest opinion, I don't think he respects you and is blatantly out for his own advantage.

In your shoes I'd work out a full accounting of what was put in, and what was spent on joint expenses like home improvements.

Half the difference is yours, take it out of the joint account before you talk to him, and going forward keep your finances separate, 50/50 for everything.

Take back all money that you have contributed to joint savings plus whatever his half of the house deposit would have been. If there isn’t enough, tell him what he owes you. And keep your savings separate from now on. And don’t tell him about any more money that you get.

Maybe stop spending on the house as well, unless he pays his half upfront.

The fact that he genuinely believes he shouldn’t have told you and kept the money for himself shows you exactly what he thinks - that his money is his but your money is for the family. So take your money back, plus whatever he owes for his half, and tell him so.

He can't see why you're angry even after everything given to you both by your family? That is peak selfishness.

Don't share anything with him again. He doesnt appreciate it and doesn't respect your position.

How much is in the joint savings pot?

I'd just calmly remind him of the times you inherited money and it was used for the house. And that you hoped he would see his money in a similar way, to be used for mutual benefit.

To be honest I think inheritance should be kept separate as savings. The money was gifted to one person, not them plus their partner. So it's fair to keep it all. But obviously at this point the damage has already been done.

No reason why you shouldn't both have separate savings then, if that's what he would prefer. You will just both need to dip into them for major purchases. Also, of course you get your contributions out of the joint savings before he does as they've been there longer so you've lost more interest. Don't treat this as an argument, just a reasonable discussion.

And these traits are not apparent when he wants your money?

Vomit inducing that you mentioned ND traits as if we are all horrible people who cant communicate and are mean with money. We are not. Im disgusted at the amount of times people bandy around ND shite on these boards.

Your husband is a miserable bastard plain and simple. Take half of it and remind him how much you have personally put into the family home and then go and educate yourself with your money on neurodiversity.

I would be saying go on then - fuck off. There’s the door

he is a selfish git

either you have separate accounts and joint is literally for bills .mortgage

or you share equally

what was the £400 for and why out of joint and not his savings

So you say to him

"OK, I agree with you. It was your inheritance and you should have just kept it, so please take it back out the joint account. We will pay a certain amount each month into the joint account for bills and household expenses and any large purchases we pay 50/50 from savings. Could you then transfer me £10,000 to cover your half of the the money that I paid out on the house (£5000 for your half of the deposit contribution from my family, £1000 for your half of the solicitor fees which my dad paid, then £4000 towards the renovation from the money I was given from my grandma). Thanks"

I don’t think so, to be honest, from what you’ve said I think he’s an arse and you’re being bullied/financially abused. Sorry. But yeah, point out that if he thinks that £8K is his, he can repay you for all the things you’ve recently bought, plus the house deposit and fees. See if he still wants to be play it that way then.

I would be looking at withdrawing the money I had been gifted out of the house/savings and having that money in sole account if he is not willing to put his money in.

Man child. You need a separate savings account

Honestly? Separate savings are a must in this situation.

Absolutely agree and, OP, pay no more than your share of the bills from here on in.

Oh right, he will take his money and fuck off will he? So he knows what he's doing and is thinking if you don't like it he will threaten you. I'd tell him. Alright then off you go with "your" money (after you've had half).

No one would speak to me like that.