Remarried after 6 years as a single mum how do I make this transition easier for my 15 year old?

[pilaralbadaa]

Sorry for long post

I posted here around two months ago about remarrying after my husband's death. I have a 15 year old son, and at the time my fiancé and I were planning to move to London after the wedding.

For anyone who didn't read my previous post, I'm 44F. My late husband died six years ago, and since then it had just been me and my son. My fiancé is 46M. He was originally a long term client and friend, and after my husband's death, our relationship eventually became romantic.

We're both High earners and financially comfortable, so money wasn't really the issue. My question in my previous post was whether it was reasonable for him to contribute 50% towards my son's school fees and other expenses (actually my husband wanted to contribute 50 - 50), given that we'd be living together. His two children live in Zurich with their mum, so in London it would have been the three of us

The strongest advice I received was actually not about the money at all. A lot of people told me not to uproot my son's life when he was only 15, and to consider waiting until he leaves for university.

I thought about it seriously We had less than two months before everything was supposed to change, but I eventually told my fiancé that I thought it would be better if we stayed in Madrid for the next three years. Once my son goes to university, we could then move to London together.

He needed some time to process it and said he wanted to see what he could do, but ultimately he understood and agreed.

We had already in final stage of deal of house in London, so we backed out and lost some money, which wasn't ideal. But honestly, it felt like the right thing to do.

We then bought a new home in Madrid, about 20 minutes from my old apartment. We renovated it, and my son got his own room and was allowed to design it exactly how he wanted. Someone suggested that in my previous post, and I'm really glad I listened.

He's happy. We're happy. And things have worked out.It wasn't easy changing such a major decision at the last minute, but I'm glad we did.

And yes... I got married! Two weeks ago.
It still feels slightly unreal. Six years ago, I genuinely thought that part of my life was over and that I would never feel that kind of happiness again. But I did.

So thank you to everyone who gave me advice last time. Some of the comments were blunt, but honestly, the directness helped me look at things differently.

Now I'm back because I need some more advice.

My son started school again last week. I missed the first few days because we were on our honeymoon, but my sister stayed with him and looked after him. I'll be properly back in the routine from Monday..We've only been living together in our new house for about a week, so everything is still very new.

And I'm going to be honest it's different.
Not necessarily bad, and not necessarily good. Just different.

My husband and I are adults and we'll figure out our marriage. My biggest concern is my son. I don't want to accidentally make this transition harder for him or make him feel like he's lost his home or his relationship with me.

There are a few practical things I'm struggling with

1. Privacy and closed bedroom doors

For six years, it was just me and my son. My bedroom door was usually open at night. If he needed something, he'd come in. He obviously knew that it was my bedroom, but there was never really a reason for me to have the door closed. Now my husband and I obviously need some privacy. So our bedroom door will sometimes be closed, especially at night.

I don't want my son to interpret that as "Mum has a new life now and I don't belong in it."

At the same time, I don't think I should feel guilty for having a private space with my husband. How do you communicate this to a teenager without making it into a huge awkward conversation?

1. PDA around my son

This is another one I'm unsure about. My husband and I are newly married and obviously affectionate with each other. If we're in the kitchen, we might hug. We might sit close together on the sofa. We might kiss goodbye before one of us leaves.

Nothing excessive or inappropriate just normal married couple affection.

But if my son is sitting right there, I don't want him feeling uncomfortable or like he's suddenly watching his mum behave differently..At the same time, I don't want to act like my husband and I aren't a couple whenever my son is around.

What's the reasonable middle ground here?
Should we just behave naturally and let him adjust, or should we deliberately tone down affection around him for a while?

1. My time is obviously going to change

Before I remarried, weekends were basically completely reserved for my son..Now I have a husband too.

I'm thinking we'll probably have things like a date night together and a separate mum and son day. Sometimes I'll be busy with work, and obviously I can't always be available.

I also wondered whether, if I'm working, my husband and son could occasionally go out together shopping, football, food, whatever they enjoy..They already seem to be getting along really well..My husband has been genuinely helpful. He checks whether my son needs help with homework without interrogating him, helped him prepare breakfast, and has picked him up from football practice.

My son seems comfortable with him, which I'm incredibly grateful for..But I also don't want my son to suddenly feel like his mum has been replaced by a husband.

At the same time, I don't think it's healthy for me to spend every spare minute with my son just because I'm afraid he'll feel neglected.

1. How much should we include him?

We're trying to find a balance. Some events we'll all attend together. Other times my husband and I will go somewhere just the two of us. I don't want my son to feel excluded from our new family life.

But equally, I think my husband and I need to maintain our own relationship and have time alone together..So I'm trying to work out what is normal and healthy here.

The good thing is that my husband and son genuinely seem to like each other. There isn't any obvious tension between them. My husband isn't trying to be his dad or take over parenting, and my son doesn't seem to resent him.

Maybe I'm overthinking all of this because everything is so new. But my son has already been through losing his dad, and I don't want to make another huge change in his life without being careful about how he experiences it. For those who have remarried when their children were teenagers, how did you handle the transition from being a single-parent household to suddenly being a family of three?

Especially things like bedroom privacy, affection/PDA, dividing your time, couple time versus child time, and making sure your teenager still feels secure.

I'd really appreciate some practical advice including things you wish you'd done differently.

So why did you have to be told to give him his own room in the new house??

Was there a reason you didn't you live together before getting married?

Take your ds out for a long walk jist you and him several times over next few weeks and let him talk. Listen to his wants and needs. Read "how to talk..so teens willl listen"

I think the fact you're asking all those questions means you're attentive, which is more than half the way to get the balance right. I think the best thing is to observe things, observe your son and then adjust your behaviour.
I have teenage sons (I'm single) and in the last few years I have felt a bit guilty about going out on weekends instead of being available. But then they started going out with their own friends! Which means doing stuff with mum is not a priority anymore.
Things change and if you truly prioritise your son (which seems you're doing), eventually everything will fall into place.

I cannot fathom only moving a man into your home with your son once you got married.

It was long distance! He had his own business and I had my own job, but slowly we started giving things a try. He's Swiss and I'm Spanish, so yeah, it was definitely a bit of a long distance relationship

You are overthinking the wrong things.

How did you think it was a good idea to move your son's school, buy a house and not even all live together before you got married?

I'm a bit bemused really. Why do you think a bunch of Internet strangers are better placed to tell you how your son feels about all this than your son is? Do you never chat to him?

How does missing his first week of the school year align with not wanting him to feel pushed out as a consequence of your new marriage?

What happened before you married? Did you and your now husband never display affection towards each other? Was the bedroom door never closed?

Does the kid not have friends who he wants to spend his time with at the weekend?

Ah, perhaps you’re not the poster I’m thinking of!

But you should know there is another 44 year-old Spanish MNetter with a teenage son who very recently got married to her (American) husband. What are the chances!

www.mumsnet.com/talk/style_and_beauty/5561125-help-me-decide-which-gown-to-wear-for-each-event-of-my-5-day-wedding

My dear. You are overthinking everything. Just crack on but perhaps have a one to one in a public space with your son to let him know if he is uneasy about anything then to raise it with you.

Your son knows (roughly) what you get up to in bed. Just talk to him and keep talking to him, he needs you less, this isn’t a bad time for this to happen. Just don’t go over the top with him in the room. The fact you realise it’s hard for him is great, but presume less and ask more.

I think you’re a lovely mum putting so much thought into all of this. I think you could say some of it to your son, such as ‘I want to get the balance right would you like to do things just us two sometimes?’ I’m surprised he is home so much on the weekends and not with friends to be honest, I would expect
your pockets of time for couple time amd date /romance time would naturally arise when your son was socializing.

re the bedroom - I don’t think you need to mention sex. Just say that it’s not DH bedroom too and he might be in their changing or something and need some privacy. So please could he knock and wait for you to come and open the door, just like if your son is in his room with the door closed you’ll do the same , to avoid anyone getting embarrassed if they are changing. This is completely reasonable rule and I’m a little shocked if it wasn’t in place as soon as your son his puberty.

Well, and if it didn't take a bunch of strangers on the internet to tell her it might not be great to move a 15 year old to a strange country after his mother's remarriage. with a man he can't have spent any sustained time with outside of holidays!

I'm not convinced either by the OP's new DH, who is apparently equally happy to move to Madrid or to London, leaving his own daughters living with their mother in Switzerland. That doesn't strike me as suggesting a committed father.

We only shut the door at night when we are “not wanting to be disturbed”. But the rest of the time it’s open. I’d say any teen would know what a closed door would mean should he waken up. But in saying that, as parents of teens, we have to be discreet and not openly closing the door while they’re awake to go and have sex. That’s not okay.

Similarly PDA. You’re grown adults who can control yourselves surely? Holding hands or a sort of snuggle whilst on the sofa yes, but if with your son- no. Just be chill and let him sit where he chooses and don’t let him feel like a third wheel.

Ot sounds like your husband might naturally bond with your son over sports or activities so just let that grow and keep the lines of communication open between you and him too - drive him somewhere now and then and chat in the car.

Fire Brigade advice is for all doors to be shut at night because it slows the spread of fire and you can stay safe until help arrives. Our bedroom doors have always been closed.

Whether open or shut, I always knock before going into my teen or adult sons' rooms.

My parents both remarried when I was a teen. Hugs, kiss goodbye etc fine. Anything more was definitely Ew and I absolutely would not have wanted to discuss it with my parents.

My biggest thing would be that your new husband doesn't try to parent him. At 15 having had you to himself for so long thT will cause resentment. You are his mum and your DH is his mum's husband. He needs to earn Stepfather status and your ds will decide when and if he gets it. Regarding knocking and your personal space tbh I would expect him to figure that out himself at 15. If he doesn't then he soon will. With regards to days out ask him if he wants to come, keep date night's to yourselves.

but why would you tie yourself legally to someone you don't fully know when there's a kid in the equation? is it a visa issue that you couldn't live together unmarried or something?

I'm sure your son doesn't want to see your new husband getting dressed or fast asleep, so I really don't think a closed door is goof to be an issue. Privacy at night doesn't always have to mean sex.

But it's good for children to see adults showing affection towards one another, as long as it's not too ott. Seeing a parent happy and being treated well is what all children should witness.

I think some of us are finding your thought processes a little quirky, so you are getting a bit of stick but you clearly love your son and have both been through a lot so good luck. X

I would quite like to engage with this issue but these gigantic ramblings generated by AI are impossible to read. Could you not have just said what the problem is?

Well firstly I’d ignore all the negative Nancy’s on here , out in force as usual 🙄.

OP, you sound like a lovely, kind , caring woman to me . A mom a child would be proud to have 🥰.
You’ll do just great, so will your son .
Stop worrying so much .
You need to relax , you def are overthinking.
I wish you , your son & your husband all the happiness in the world.
I just know from your post you guys are good people ☺️.
Everything will fall into place , you’ll see . X

You’re overthinking all this, op. It sounds as though it’s you feeling guilty, rather than your ds feeling pushed out. It’s a new situation for all of you. Let things settle first, and let your relationship as a 3 develop organically, before trying to address problems which haven’t yet arisen!

Your ds is 15. If he feels fundamentally secure and happy, which he appears to be, he’ll be able to cope with you and dh exchanging a kiss now and again. He’ll be increasingly involved in his own friendships and social life at his age, anyway. I’m not saying it was the case with you, but sometimes, when a parent and child get accustomed to it just being them, the child can also worry about how the parent will cope without them, when their own social lives start taking off, and would see it as a positive thing that you have someone else (in addition to, rather than instead of) to share your life with.