Remarried after 6 years as a single mum how do I make this transition easier for my 15 year old?

[pilaralbadaa]

Sorry for long post

I posted here around two months ago about remarrying after my husband's death. I have a 15 year old son, and at the time my fiancé and I were planning to move to London after the wedding.

For anyone who didn't read my previous post, I'm 44F. My late husband died six years ago, and since then it had just been me and my son. My fiancé is 46M. He was originally a long term client and friend, and after my husband's death, our relationship eventually became romantic.

We're both High earners and financially comfortable, so money wasn't really the issue. My question in my previous post was whether it was reasonable for him to contribute 50% towards my son's school fees and other expenses (actually my husband wanted to contribute 50 - 50), given that we'd be living together. His two children live in Zurich with their mum, so in London it would have been the three of us

The strongest advice I received was actually not about the money at all. A lot of people told me not to uproot my son's life when he was only 15, and to consider waiting until he leaves for university.

I thought about it seriously We had less than two months before everything was supposed to change, but I eventually told my fiancé that I thought it would be better if we stayed in Madrid for the next three years. Once my son goes to university, we could then move to London together.

He needed some time to process it and said he wanted to see what he could do, but ultimately he understood and agreed.

We had already in final stage of deal of house in London, so we backed out and lost some money, which wasn't ideal. But honestly, it felt like the right thing to do.

We then bought a new home in Madrid, about 20 minutes from my old apartment. We renovated it, and my son got his own room and was allowed to design it exactly how he wanted. Someone suggested that in my previous post, and I'm really glad I listened.

He's happy. We're happy. And things have worked out.It wasn't easy changing such a major decision at the last minute, but I'm glad we did.

And yes... I got married! Two weeks ago.
It still feels slightly unreal. Six years ago, I genuinely thought that part of my life was over and that I would never feel that kind of happiness again. But I did.

So thank you to everyone who gave me advice last time. Some of the comments were blunt, but honestly, the directness helped me look at things differently.

Now I'm back because I need some more advice.

My son started school again last week. I missed the first few days because we were on our honeymoon, but my sister stayed with him and looked after him. I'll be properly back in the routine from Monday..We've only been living together in our new house for about a week, so everything is still very new.

And I'm going to be honest it's different.
Not necessarily bad, and not necessarily good. Just different.

My husband and I are adults and we'll figure out our marriage. My biggest concern is my son. I don't want to accidentally make this transition harder for him or make him feel like he's lost his home or his relationship with me.

There are a few practical things I'm struggling with

1. Privacy and closed bedroom doors

For six years, it was just me and my son. My bedroom door was usually open at night. If he needed something, he'd come in. He obviously knew that it was my bedroom, but there was never really a reason for me to have the door closed. Now my husband and I obviously need some privacy. So our bedroom door will sometimes be closed, especially at night.

I don't want my son to interpret that as "Mum has a new life now and I don't belong in it."

At the same time, I don't think I should feel guilty for having a private space with my husband. How do you communicate this to a teenager without making it into a huge awkward conversation?

1. PDA around my son

This is another one I'm unsure about. My husband and I are newly married and obviously affectionate with each other. If we're in the kitchen, we might hug. We might sit close together on the sofa. We might kiss goodbye before one of us leaves.

Nothing excessive or inappropriate just normal married couple affection.

But if my son is sitting right there, I don't want him feeling uncomfortable or like he's suddenly watching his mum behave differently..At the same time, I don't want to act like my husband and I aren't a couple whenever my son is around.

What's the reasonable middle ground here?
Should we just behave naturally and let him adjust, or should we deliberately tone down affection around him for a while?

1. My time is obviously going to change

Before I remarried, weekends were basically completely reserved for my son..Now I have a husband too.

I'm thinking we'll probably have things like a date night together and a separate mum and son day. Sometimes I'll be busy with work, and obviously I can't always be available.

I also wondered whether, if I'm working, my husband and son could occasionally go out together shopping, football, food, whatever they enjoy..They already seem to be getting along really well..My husband has been genuinely helpful. He checks whether my son needs help with homework without interrogating him, helped him prepare breakfast, and has picked him up from football practice.

My son seems comfortable with him, which I'm incredibly grateful for..But I also don't want my son to suddenly feel like his mum has been replaced by a husband.

At the same time, I don't think it's healthy for me to spend every spare minute with my son just because I'm afraid he'll feel neglected.

1. How much should we include him?

We're trying to find a balance. Some events we'll all attend together. Other times my husband and I will go somewhere just the two of us. I don't want my son to feel excluded from our new family life.

But equally, I think my husband and I need to maintain our own relationship and have time alone together..So I'm trying to work out what is normal and healthy here.

The good thing is that my husband and son genuinely seem to like each other. There isn't any obvious tension between them. My husband isn't trying to be his dad or take over parenting, and my son doesn't seem to resent him.

Maybe I'm overthinking all of this because everything is so new. But my son has already been through losing his dad, and I don't want to make another huge change in his life without being careful about how he experiences it. For those who have remarried when their children were teenagers, how did you handle the transition from being a single-parent household to suddenly being a family of three?

Especially things like bedroom privacy, affection/PDA, dividing your time, couple time versus child time, and making sure your teenager still feels secure.

I'd really appreciate some practical advice including things you wish you'd done differently.

I would sit your son down and talk to him about how he feels. I would explain that things are slightly different but you will always carve out time for the two of you, that you are always there for him and he will always be the most important person in your life and if he ever wants to talk to you about something or feels uncomfortable with anything to speak to you. Every child is different and there’s no point doing things that might have suited one child and family set up but may not suit your son and family. Be guided by him and take it slowly. Keep communication open, keen an eye on him and try to slowly be a family where you can all do things together.

At 15, your son isn’t a baby and will understand if your door is closed. I don’t think there needs to be anything more said on this and presumably it can be open in the day and you wouldn’t always be in your room anyway. Regarding the PDA, it’s healthy for kids to see affection and as long as you show him plenty of affection too, it should be fine. Maybe not bum slapping and innuendo (which might be fine if you were both his biological parents) but a hug or quick kiss is fine. I’d just try to ensure he doesn’t feel like a third wheel, in the same way you may consider things if you had a friend with you whilst being affectionate.

Tricky - I have no personal experience so feel free to ignore.

My suggestion would be to ensure your son knows he is the main priority in your life through your actions and words. He is still a child and at a stage in life with many changes, unknowns and uncertainty. He has been through a lot as a young child and he needs to feel the stability and safe place that you provide.

I wouldn’t have missed the first day of school. Even if you don’t do much as a parent when they are 15y, just being present and available is important. Choosing to go on honeymoon at the time, I feel, shows that he is not a priority. He needed an adult and I think that should have been you, perhaps more so this year given your recent marriage. But that is done now.
Don’t miss these significant days however insignificant they may seem to you or DS.

Re: PDA - he is old enough to understand that the room is private and you and your husband will show affection for each other. What you are both demonstrating is a healthy adult relationship - this is important for teens and young adults to see.
At 15y he shouldn’t really be coming into your room at night so just speak to him about why the door is closed - privacy for your husband as much as you but it’s no reflection on the relationship between you and DS.

When you watch tv together sometimes sit with your DH, sometimes sit with DS - it doesn’t have to be you and DH cuddling on the sofa and DS sidelined on the other one.

Include him in things you do with your husband. Have some things that are just you and DS time or traditions and keep it that way without asking our DH to join. Let him know you treasure those times just you and him.
Include him making plans where reasonable/appropriate.

I think you're massively over thinking everything. If you've been together years then surely your son has seen you be affectionate with each other? He's not a baby, he understands that adults have sex and need privacy.

I married a widower with children but they were much younger.
It's fine to shut your bedroom door. A lock for when you need a lock would be good too. This doesn't need a conversation.
I also wouldn't have a conversation about PDA with your son but check what your son's reaction is. If he looks uncomfortable or leaves the room, have a conversation with your husband about dialling it back.
I would have a conversation with your son in a few weeks time about how he is finding things, especially in relation to quality time and connection. What will work for your family will be so personal it's hard to generalise. It seems reasonable to have one date night a week with your husband. Also, make some kind of connection with your son every day.

Honestly. I think your priorities are skewed. I remember your other thread and I thought (and still think) it’s deeply odd that you needed to be talked out of relocating a 15 year old to a new education system in a different country when it was, as your decision shows, entirely optional. And I wouldn’t have had a honeymoon that clashed with the start of his academic year.

But some of your questions in this post are just plain odd — did you not live together before marrying? Surely you’d made decisions about physical affection, dividing your time and keeping your bedroom door open or closed long before you got married? Surely your son and new husband have had a relationship for years now? Why are these questions coming up after the honeyroom?

Agree with PP - how did none of these issues come to light before you got married? This situation should have been evolving over the several years of your relationship?

We didn't use to live together as a family. Sure, we stayed together here and there during holidays or trips, but living together in the same home every single day is completely different

You should have lived together before the marriage to iron these things out.

A door being closed is just that if he needs you he can knock. Give him the same courtesy as well knock before you enter his room pretty normal rules.

No other the top pda just as you and he dad wouldn’t have surely.

Weird you chose to kiss his first day back yet are worried about all this stuff making him feel pushed out yet you did that directly as a result of your wedding.

Surely your dating life goes how it was before that you had date nights anyway so why would that change now?

I think you were wrong to go on honeymoon as the school year started but you can't change that now.

You make it sound like a husband has just magically appeared one day, but presumably you’ve been in a relationship with this man for a significant amount of time? Isn’t he already somewhat integrated into your family unit?

It does sound like it doesn’t it. Like Amazon just arrived with a husband in a box delivery 😂

I'm confused, your post reads like you're trying to navigate dating as a single Mum for the first time but you're already married. How did none of these questions come up before the wedding? How long have you actually been together?

You got married, bought a house and moved your child's school before even trying living together? And this is apparently the far less disruptive course of action compared to your original plan??
You appear to be very thoughtful and concerned about the impact on your son now when it's far too late to change anything. Where was this concern a year ago or whenever you started thinking about getting married? Why only ask these questions now??

We all knock on doors here, even when wide open, just normal respectful behaviour of each other.

I definitely wouldn't have been away for the beginning of a school year.

Talk to your son.
For all your closeness, these are very natural conversations to be having.

Tell him straight that you will be checking in regularly with him how he is feeling and managing so much change.

These things can be fluid.
Definitely continue to have very regular one on one time.

My daughters friend is part of a recently blended family, 2 years after her mother died her father remarried.
Initially she was positive and ok, but now she hates it.
She doesn't get any time with her father as he is so busy with his wife and work.
It's very sad.

One on one time should become a regular core feature of your life.
Protect it.
This will be the space that your son can openly remember his father fondly, hugely important for his emotional health.

Keep the PDA to a minimum, kids mostly don't want to be around it.

At 15 your DS will have opinions. So talk to him, I'd encourage your new DH and DS to find a joint interest. Football or computer games or art house cinema, whatever they may have in common. You need to nurture a relationship between them too.
Privacy wise, your DS is getting closer to adult life every day, so will want privacy himself so extending it to you isn't an issue.

If you’re the poster I’m thinking of, congratulations on the wedding (extravagant 5-day affair I believe?!). 😊

Secondly, are there cultural issues at play here? Your husband is American, as is mine, and IME they are much more into PDA than any British guy I dated, say. Not sure how they compare to Spanish men. But anyway, your DH could feel that you’re denying him something fundamental in a marriage just because your 15 year-old son might feel uncomfortable. I think it’s better your son knows you’re acting natural around him than walking on eggshells. It’s your and your husband’s home too.

This is all very weird op, as others have said he hasn't just appeared in your lives so surely the basics like privacy etc should have been discussed. There's no need for pdas at all imo other than a kiss bye but presumably that's not a full on snog on the sofa?

I'd have waited tbh until left for uni, what a way to have his last couple of years at home spoilt even if he gets on ok with your dh.

Just let your ds have space and privacy and I'm sure he'll return the gesture. Put him first though, anymore important school dates don't go on holiday.

I would never make my child live with another adult if my husband died or if we split up. I’d wait until my child was an adult and had moved out. I don’t think it is ever good to be forced as a teenager to live with another adult when you have zero control over your own house/living space. No matter how nice the adult might be. I’ve always told my children that if anything ever happened, I’d never make them live with another man. I don’t understand why people do it. I think one reason the Irwin children from Australia are so stable in adulthood is because Terri never introduced another man into their lives and forced them to live with them. She focused on the children’s needs throughout. Which I think you should do especially if they’ve lost their father.

Yes, the original plan was to move to London, and from what I remember of the OP's other post, she wasn't even saying 'AIBU to uproot my 15 year old to London from Madrid after I remarry?', it was about whether it was reasonable for her new husband to be contributing 50% of her son's school fees etc! The moving to London thing was only mentioned as an aside, and the OP appeared genuinely taken aback that so many Mners were saying this was an unnecessary disruption for a mid-teenager who'd lost a parent and who would have left home in a few years.

People were actually initially sympathetic -- losing your husband young is terribly hard, obviously, but the OP's ideas about things has seemed so strange on both threads. Who, in their 40s with a previous marriage behind them and a teenage child, would remarry without ever having lived together? Who would think it was OK to then move said teenager to another country right in the middle of his secondary education, just because of the marriage. On this thread, who needs to be told by strangers on the internet to give a 15 year old his own room and let him decorate it as he wishes?

And yes, this thread gives the impression the new DH just showed up, and as if all kinds of minor domestic decisions about privacy and parenthood that should have been resolved some time ago are literally only occurring to the OP now!

How have you got to the point of marriage without all this being sorted out already?!

Fucking hell, that's a risk and a bit silly IMO.

What kind of sleeping arrangements did he have before? Was there a question of him not having his own room??

You sound like an amazing mum and so thoughtful and caring towards your son! I think your son will be absolutely fine, dont worry about the closed doors or the pda. Your son is 15 and he will completely understand that. Have enough time for your son when he wants you/ needs your there but otherwise enjoy the time with your new husband

He had his own bedroom where he usually slept. My bedroom was separate, but I left the door open so he could come in whenever he wanted

The only exception was when he was sick or had a fever then he would sleep in my room so I could look after him without having to constantly walk back and forth to check on him

She would be if she'd done all this thinking 6 months ago. Now she looks belated and scrabbling.