AIBU to expect my brother to compromise on a family holiday?

[GenerallyVeryUnreasonable]

Sorry long story:

Myself and DD (4) have joined my Mum and Dad on a UK holiday. My brother and SIL have also joined. They are here for 4 days but we are returning after only 2 due to school on Monday for DD. Brother and SIL are younger than me and do not have children. I’m a single parent.

This morning me, dad and DD went for brunch. Invited SIL and brother but they fancied somewhere else they’d found on IG. All fine. Met after and took a walk along the coastal path and back. DD obviously tired by this point. Told her we’d be going to visit the gift shops and I’d buy her a momento and some sweets. We had also all planned to have fish and chips somewhere in this same town and visit a little beauty spot. So we’re in the town, it’s 4pm ish but we haven’t eaten since brunch and everyone needs a wee. We’re all a bit tired so I suggest we dive into a half decent pub for some food, drink and a wee. Spot a pub with some tables in the sunshine.

SIL pulls up reviews on her phone. They look fine. Brother says she doesn’t like the brewery operating it. We’re all standing at the edge of the road while brother looks at other places on google reviews. He says “it’s fine, you lot can go there but I’m not eating there”. Me, DD and dad cross the road and go to the pub. Brother and SIL continue on to their preferred place. I’m a bit annoyed because I don’t think it’s necessary to make such a big deal and it’s more about the people and the sunshine - lots to enjoy at an average pub. My mum is a bit worried and wanting us all to try and stay together. I don’t know what to do for the best so I say I’m going to take DD to the gift shop so I can fulfil my promise to her (after telling her prior that we may have to miss the shop because everyone is hungry and since we’re on a family holiday we have to compromise) and dad and mum go with brother and SIL.

We finish at the shop then go to catch them up on the way to the chosen pub. We all walk 15 minutes to find we are at another average pub. Brother is criticising the menu. I get annoyed and say that I thought we were just trying to have a quick dinner. That not every meal has to be perfect. I try to explain my frustration. He explodes - becomes hostile in tone. We get into a row. He threatened to storm off so I tell him to go then. He says mean things to me and I say mean things to him (that he centres himself and needs to grow up). Then he and SIL leave and go back to the holiday rental. I haven’t seen or spoken to him since and they’re both currently out on their own for the evening.

I think he has his head up his own arse, frankly, and is forgetting that we have a 4yo in tow. I think if he’s going to come on a family holiday then he should just accept that he has to go with the majority vote for most of the time - not every meal is going to be a gastronomic experience and if he wants that then him and his girlfriend should do their own thing right from the start. AIBU?

I actually disagree with you. You want your brother to do what you've decided. He doesn't want to. No one is compromising here.

It's easy to go along with the majority when you're part of it, the reality is that it's between you and your brother because your parents don't really care.

I don't understand why you and your mother absolutely want to stay together, let them do their thing and meet up after. A family holiday doesn't mean you have to be together 24/7.

Or just don't go on holiday together.

This is why I wouldn’t go on holiday with my adult brother! You’re at different points in your life, it’s not going to work.

I feel sorry for your parents!

Could you and your brother both grow up and start behaving yourselves on holiday?

You’re both spoiling things for them.

Terrible example for your daughter too.

To be fair it’s his holiday too, you seem to want to call the shots the whole time. I wouldn’t want to eat in a crap pub just because!

The problem seems to be that you need things a bit more planned out if you have such different desires. For you making sure your DS has a good time and all the compromises that go along with that are important. For your DB good food seems to be important. Discussing the best places to eat before you all traipse off for the day might have made it easier to make the day work.

it can be infuriating, when everyone is tired and hungry, to try and find a place that’s acceptable to people who are a bit picky, but a holiday needs to take the things that are important to people into account.

Take it in turns to pick.

Thanks for the replies. I see people are suggesting I wanted my way and/or we should have planned in advance. We had all agreed to pop in somewhere for fish and chips. After talking last week with my brother about brunch, he told me he didn’t want to have lots of costly meals, hence the idea to have a cheapish fish and chips if we were having a boujie brunch in the morning. There are only 3 pubs in the small town/village we were in. The pub me and my mum suggested for fish and chips was the best rated of them all (4.8 on google review so not crappy).

Me and DD are literally only here for one dinner. They’ve got plenty more where they can choose exactly where to eat. It would have nice to just enjoy the time all together, rather than fixating on the pub being perfect. We were going with the plan that everyone agreed, including my brother’s preference not to have multiple costly meals in a day.

When you have kids, you follow their needs. He doesn't have kids. So he follows his wants. No one is unreasonable but you think he is!

I hate wandering round deciding f where to eat. Its no fun. Everyone is getting more and more hungry, everyone is getting cranky and desperate.

And yeah, your brother is forgetting about the small child being dragged round on her little holiday too, when shes hungry and on her best behaviour.

At least you know not to overlap next year!

I dont think yabu.

Your brother is being ridiculous. Why is he so obsessed with Instagram ratings? It's polite just to eat with your family on a family holiday, not bugger off elsewhere as it's not good enough. Food is not that important.

You do you. Stop trying to tell your brother and SIL what they should do, they are entitled to make their own decisions. And frankly, grow up and stop ruining your poor parents holiday.

very important on family holidays to be able to say

"we are doing X, if anyone wants to join they can, if you don't, no problem at all, we'll all meet up later and happily tell each other about what we did"

Unless you have a clear "leader/organizer" in a group, e.g. its a parents taking away children, or one person was the planner from the outset, and everyone else agreed and wants them to be in charge, then you are just asking for trouble if:

A, everyone has to stay together
B, you have (as is normal) different opinions and requirements

In this case, you both seemed to have gotten caught up in - and your mum isn't helping by trying to keep you all together. I'm sure his side of the story would make you seem unreasonable, just as yours has for him.

You should've stayed in the first pub and met up with them again after everyone had eaten. It's fine to just eat separately.

Did he want perfect food pics for the Gram or something? Why was he so obsessed with reviews rather than just getting on with eating a meal. He sounds exhausting. Also reminds me of the South Park episode.

This is why I always like to know where I'm eating beforehand! People think they're being spontaneous just casually finding somewhere but the reality is it's usually hungry people googling whilst trying not to block the pavement or going into pubs and finding them full. Agree not every pub needs to be an amazing meal but it's so expensive eating out now I wouldn't want to order if there was nothing I fancied, unless the whole group was really excited about a place. Did he definitely want pub fish and chips? If I'd agreed to fish and chips on holiday, I would assume it was from a chippy and eaten outside.

If you do other group trips in the future, suggest he takes charge of planning and picking somewhere suitable. When we do stuff like this as a multi household group, someone usually does that. Either the best planner (moi) or the pickiest one takes the initiative. I can't bear trundling around hungrily while some picky fucker rejects everything either, but I also think it's understandable with prices how they are now that people don't want to pay a lot for something they know they don't want. And like others, I'd have assumed fish and chips meant takeaway sitting outside too.

I'm more on your side, OP, because I've been dragged pillar to post by people searching reviews, whilst I like spontaneously choosing too (as well as preferring just to stop for my son sometimes).

On the other hand, I think you need to educate your brother that for a 4yo, trailing around spontaneously after a big tiring day is hard work, and he needs a 30m lead in to "little Jessica will need us to stop to eat by x time".

And he also needs to agree to go do his own thing or suck it up sometimes.

If I’d agreed to fish and chips I would’ve assumed that mean a £7 meal from the local chippie, not a £15 or more dish from the local pub.

Yes you can get fish and chips in a pub but given it’s only one thing on a broad menu I would think if the intention was to go to a pub that would have been the discussion.

Both you and your brother sound argumentative, I think there should be an option for you are both unreasonable

The SIL sounds like a pain in the arse. She wouldn’t eat there because she didn’t like the brewery? That is proper fake-snobbish twattery.

But both you and your brother were wrong for arguing and ruining what should have been a nice afternoon in the pub. Your parents must have been exasperated at their grown children’s behaviour.

Yes, DB was too picky but nothing is worth having a family barney about a pub on a famlly holiday.
You should have just bitten your llp at the other pub, ordered, eaten and changed the conversation and mood to positive.

DB learnt a lesson about the accuracy of pub reviews.

Your brother and SIL do sound a bit tedious but once in the pub you should have bit your tongue. It was wrong of you to push for an argument and I feel very sorry for your parents having their holiday spoiled by two grown up kids acting like brats in a restaurant. You owe them an apology for your part in this too.

So I think you made a quite sensible compromise after the first pub was rejected - even though it worked for you, you understood that your parents would prefer everyone to all be together and happy so you took the chance to nip to the gift shop and let them decide where to eat.

But then when you caught up with them at the pub they’d presumably chosen, they were still unhappy with the pub they’d chosen? That’s illogical of them.

I would always try hard not to snip back at people in this situation and not get into a row, and it’s not always sensible to try to explain a lot to people and get them to understand- best just to prioritise your dd need for food and say “no problem, we need to eat here now though” and let them do their own thing. The more you get drawn into it and let them drag your children around, the more annoyed you’ll get.

But I think your brother and SIL were v thoughtless- I was perfectly capable of understanding little kids need to eat when their parents say they do, before I had them, and they have a few other days of holiday you don’t so really should have just gone with your choice today. Definitely selfish and self centered. But I do suspect both of you were a bit more squabbly than was really merited too.

You have a 4 year old in tow, but presumably your brother and his girlfriend don't.

You needed to eat, and where wasn't particularly important, because your daughter needed to eat. That's perfectly fine. It's equally fine, that your brother and his girlfriend don't want to eat at the pub. It's OK for them to go off and find somewhere else to eat, that they'll enjoy.

Your priorities are vastly different to that of your brother and his girlfriend. They don't have the same restrictions, as you do. Why do you all 'need to stay together'??? Why does your brother and his girlfriend have 'to go with the majority'?! If they don't want to do the same as the rest of you, then why shouldn't they do their own thing? Your parents aren't bothered, they're clearly happy to go along with everyone else.

There needs to be some compromising and acceptance that some people within your group, may want to do their own activities or eat elsewhere. Both your brother and you, need to behave like adults, not children.

Your parents aren't bothered, they're clearly happy to go along with everyone else

OP’s mother was bothered @Sassylovesbooks.
She wanted them all to stay together.
I think OP was trying to please her mother when she left the first pub, though I’m not sure why she then started arguing with her brother as that was surely going to upset her parents. Presumably the explanation is that tempers were frayed at that stage!

You both wanted your own way and in the end nobody was happy.

I hate just going into the first place to eat just because it’s there but then I’d of packed a snack or even just grabbed a flap Jack from somewhere to tide over my child till we arrived where we had planned to eat originally. Rather than expecting the whole group so bend.

My sil pulls that shit bloody annoying oh but the children like I haven’t raised three to secondary age already 🙄

It’s why I won’t holiday with extended family as someone else always wants to throw a spanner into the plans.