To ask for advice re private school dispute

[Cicchetti]

My ex is a coercively controlling narcissist.

He is desperate for my child to attend a private secondary school and he expects me to pay half.

I have been crystal clear that I cannot and will not be doing this, and that I would prefer my child not attend private school in any case.

He will be taking our child to open days at private schools anyway, and he began a PR campaign against state school / for private school long ago.

I believe his aim is to ensure that our child will only be happy with a private school and will blame me if they attend a state school. He has also threatened to take me to court to force our child to attend private school.

I have said that I will attend any open days since this is my child and I want to understand what they are seeing and learning. I would also like to bring my husband, as my ex is horrible to deal with.

Welcoming any thoughts and advice!

For the voting to make sense:

YABU - Private school is great and you should definitely commit to this huge financial burden!

YANBU - You should not be forced to pay for private school if you don't agree with it.

I can see a situation whereby you attend the open days and are won over yourself by them and then you change your mind and come up with the money. I imagine your ex is banking on this too.

It would be pretty hard to tour these schools and then tour the state options and not walk away thinking that the independent schools would be better for your child.

Don't do it unless you can comfortably afford the fees. Don't contemplate the scrimp and save option - there will be extras that your child will want (music/drama lessons, sports trips etc etc)...

That is how many parents send their children to private schools - scrimping and counting pennies and taking a risk of saving nothing for the next several years.

Ok. Well I don't want to do that and in fact I think it would be incredibly irresponsible to do that.

You are the boss, you decide. I never doubt biological parents, that is all I wanted to say. Apologies.

Honestly, my husband (the stepfather) would be more likely than me to agree to pay the fees. If I told him it was super important, he would agree no questions asked.

And if something should happen where my child actually needs a specialised school, like she experiences severe bullying or there is some reason why she is really, really not thriving, maybe I would put our financial stability at risk for private education. But as it stands, I see no compelling reason to take on so much stress, risk, and uncertainty.

Then you are truly lucky with your current dh.

Yes, I really am.

I understand your suspicion of men. Mumsnet helped me to see that my ex was abusive and I have been on a long learning journey ever since. Somehow, I learned to hold my boundaries, trust my instincts, and not accept bad treatment. This relationship with an unfailingly kind and generous partner is the result. I still think that most men are trash, though.

I'm feeling almost weepy thinking of how Mumsnet saved me 😂

I am not suspicious of men. I am suspicious of step-parents, be it men or women. But only in relation to step-children. I am not suspicious of step-parents as colleagues, doctors, bus drivers, politicians.

I see. This is also not unreasonable. I say this as the step-child of two step-parents 🙃

If your ex makes this his hill to die on in order to control you and DD you need to speak to the LEA now in case you are going to need a specific order to apply to appropriate schools for DD to attend and live with you.

He is clearly not trustworthy and could pip you to the post putting on application to sink schools.

No - the court looks at the resources available to each party, the reasons for one party advocating private schooling, and the needs of the child and makes a decision based around those factors.

Why are you making even more assumptions, OP never said that.

She just did - she said they do.

“..if we scrimped and counted our pennies and took on the risk of saving nothing for the next several years, maybe we could pay the fees.” You’re right, my bad. Obviously they are sitting on loads of money. 🙄

So someone could be forced to pay for private education ?

It is far more likely if a child is already enrolled in private education and for continuity. If they aren’t, the ex DH would have a lot to prove first. He could argue they always intended that etc but then the OP has shown she has deliberately moved into an excellent state school catchment etc, so it sounds unlikely barring some sort of additional need only the specific private school could meet.
It is usually the other way around anyway, the ex DH is ordered to pay the school fees as part of a settlement and for continuity’s sake.

No, the school should be doing due diligence and would need both parents to sign; private school contracts bind the signees to paying tuition and extras, a school usually will not let one parent unilaterally bind another adult financially without their direct consent or signature. During registration, private schools request birth certificates, details of both parents, and information regarding custody or separation agreements.

I suspect they will want a copy of any Court Order pertaining to Parental Rights if he tries to sign by himself.

As I said - this is how most people send their children to minor private schools. They are not sitting on loads of money. They have different priorities.

If you have step-children, I think that is another aspect that needs factoring in. Is their schooling state or private?

Fortunately, my husband doesn't have children!

My ex's gf has a child who does attend private school - which I think is part of why he's so keen tbh. He and his gf appear to have an unhealthy competition between them.

@Charleybee2026 - you have 100% echoed our experience. Mine was in the same boat having had a brilliant prep experience but was struggling by y6 due to not being too sporty / too musical etc. Being academic was not enough. We’ve moved to a good comp and it’s SUCH a relief for my anxious ND child. Totally agree that private is not always right for every child. Sadly most people go for the ‘best’ school rather than the ‘right’ school for their child.

You really shouldn't go to the private school open days. It's just playing into his controlling hands.
I'd explain the situation openly to my DD. Say you cannot afford it, this is something her father is pushing for, but it simply isn't possible. Tell her you moved to a nice area so she could go to a good school.
You've been so strong to get away from him, you need to keep that strength up.

Thank you.

I asked her if she has any preference re the open days and she said that she wants me to come, I think as a sort of buffer or protection from her horrible father. However, I have been very clear to her that I can't pay and that I therefore think it is a bit silly to attend the open days.

Even though I despise him and all of the control he still manages to exert, I think that I need to continue to be strong for my daughter, which includes offering what protection I can.

For his part, he has now taken petty revenge by refusing to provide consent for my daughter to participate in a very important annual cultural event which he doesn't celebrate and which happens to fall during his scheduled time.