To ask for advice re private school dispute

[Cicchetti]

My ex is a coercively controlling narcissist.

He is desperate for my child to attend a private secondary school and he expects me to pay half.

I have been crystal clear that I cannot and will not be doing this, and that I would prefer my child not attend private school in any case.

He will be taking our child to open days at private schools anyway, and he began a PR campaign against state school / for private school long ago.

I believe his aim is to ensure that our child will only be happy with a private school and will blame me if they attend a state school. He has also threatened to take me to court to force our child to attend private school.

I have said that I will attend any open days since this is my child and I want to understand what they are seeing and learning. I would also like to bring my husband, as my ex is horrible to deal with.

Welcoming any thoughts and advice!

For the voting to make sense:

YABU - Private school is great and you should definitely commit to this huge financial burden!

YANBU - You should not be forced to pay for private school if you don't agree with it.

I really would move onto a court approved parenting app. I would use it to communicate things such as “DD is stating that she needs to go to private school. As you know I can’t afford to contribute so unless you are going to set up a trust to cover future fees plus the additional £3k per year by 1st January please stop feeding the fantasy that it’s an option for her”

I would go to the open days but keep repeating yes it would lovely if Daddy set up a trust fund so you could go. Repeat, repeat, repeat.

They really can. It's a bread and butter decision by a family court and is a regular occurrence dependent upon affordability.

The Family Law Act.

I would just register them in a regular school, i am inclined to think not to attend the private school open days as that looks like your open to the idea and considering it, however i also think would he be bad mouthing you to child. "Oh look what a good opportunity this is and your mum wont let you". Tell them you dont get enough income and child maintenance to cover fees

https://www.sharpfamilylaw.com/who-pays-private-school-fees-after-separation/

Poor kid 🥲

Most private schools are charging around 10k per term now and the fees are rising faster than inflation. Even if it were 5k per term( if the dick ex sticks to his promise), that is a huge amount to have to commit to over the next five or seven years. An outstanding state secondary will be fine, a grammar even better. OP can use all the money she saves on extracurricular enrichment-and possibly saving for university where she won't get the choice to pay or not. Additionally, good universities are now looking much more favourably on state school applicants, if that's the path you're thinking.

OP, I teach at private school. The offerings can be incredible but my child won't be going there as we simply can't afford it without bankrupting ourselves. Don't feel bad, it is what it is. Don't go to the open days as that makes it seem as if you're considering it, just keep repeating 'I'm so sorry sweetheart but we just can't afford it. But we will make sure you have all the support you need outside school and facilitate any sport/drama/musical activity you want to do'

Your ex sounds like a real cunt!

My interpretation of this law is if he wants his daughter to attend a private school, he will solely have to pay the fees

This puppy analogy is so good

This point about needing to fork out for private school trips comes up a lot on MN as a reason not to send your dc to private schools. The op needs to make up her mind on a whole lot of aspects of schools, but the thing about expensive trips that dc "feel left out of" it they don't go is honestly not an issue. As someone who went right through private schooling, whose siblings did, whose DH did and whose dc are currently in the system, I can honestly say none of us ever did a trip to Iceland or the US or anything like it.

The most we have done is choir or sports trips to Europe, and there is very little pressure.

To be honest, far from being seen as de rigueur, they are often seen as trips for the children whose parents can't/don't take them in the holidays, ( and this is particularly true of the infamous private school ski trips) or as holiday childcare for working parents, and not that many go, so there is no pressure whatsoever to be involved.

That won't be a deciding factor for OP I am sure, but it is just something that comes up on MN a lot and I am sure it is peddled by people who have heard about these trips but are not part of the system. Several posters with dc in the system normally pipe up and say the pressure really isn't there to go - and in my experience with some very expensive private schools, it really isn't. It's a non-issue.

You need to be 100% honest with your daughter. 'Dad wants you to attend a private secondary school, but I can't afford to pay half of the school fees, therefore it can't happen unless Dad pays 100% of the school fees himself'. Presumably your daughter is of an age that she would understand that statement?

You then tell your ex husband that unless he's paying 100% of the school fees, there's no point in taking X to view a private secondary school. If he tells you that he's taking you to Court, then say 'Go ahead, I shall wait for the Court papers'.

You need to call his bluff. Even if he was stupid enough to take you to Court, and he might, if he's arrogant enough, then a Court can't force you to pay half of the fees for a private school, if you can't afford it.

Honesty with your child comes first. Don't criticise her Dad, say it's a lovely idea, but completely unrealistic as you don't have the money. What would be far worse, is to say nothing to her, and let her think it's happening.

No I would not go to it. I’d stop responding to his messages about it. Do not sign any papers and enroll her at your local school as normal. My friend’s daughter is in a similar position, the fees since the 20% tax increase are crippling her.

Don’t attend the private school viewings. He absolutely cannot force you to put her in private school, the school need two signatures on the admissions forms. He also can’t force you to pay half the fees so he’s fighting a losing battle!

Is he the sort to forge your signature?? If so, I might even consider contacting the admissions team and saying if they get an application with your signature it is not valid? Seems a bit over the top, but only you know what your ex is capable of.

I went to private school and very much wish I hadn't. Keep to your principles.

I wouldn’t attend any private school viewings. Instead I would inform and private school that you aren’t on board with an application and won’t be signing any parent contract (joint and several liability for fees) and that this is a disputed situation. I mean what private school wants to contract in that situation.
And I would be making sure now that he can’t get in the way of your state applications. You are heavily invested in your child‘s education, moved house for it, are prepping for grammar etc - show now what you are doing to ü
put your child!s best educational interests at heart and keep a clear record of it.

Just a question for clarity.

I totally understand that the private school would want the signatures of both parents on any contract. Do state schools require the signatures of both parents on applications ? If so would it be a worthwhile step for the OP to go to court to get a ruling herself ?

This is something I am not clear on. I have looked at the admissions site for the council and it's really not clear. (You can't see details re the requirements without creating a login etc and it's a year too early for that!)

Anybody who has parental responsibility can apply for a place at state secondary school, so in theory your ex could apply by himself for whatever state school he wants to, without involving you.

If each parent files a separate application then generally the councils will choose to process the application of the parent that the child mainly lives with, but I think that’s a local decision rather than a statutory requirement. So in theory if your ex completed the forms first then the council could choose to follow his application.

I’d be tempted to try and manipulate ex into making a court application so that you’ll end up with a court order dictating that you can apply to the state schools either in an order of your choosing or in an order that the court approves in advance.

That would stop him from applying only to terrible state schools and then using that to try and force you into the private option.

It needs to be stated in whatever he signs that he has sole responsibility for fees and that [mother's name] has none.

It sounds like he wants the fight so could you try not giving him it or have you before?

Regardless of your personal views, he can probably get your daughter on board with private school so you saying no it has to be state means everything plays out how he wants it to.

Instead, you could agree the schools have lovely facilities and reiterate you cant afford it but of course if Dad pays the fees it would be amazing for her. Say you’re going to carry on with the local state to keep options open, say 11+ tutoring will be handy for the entrance exams etc. Put it all back on him so it’s up to him to explain why he won’t fund it.

I am devoted to my children and also my stepchildren. Doesn’t mean I can afford to pay private school fees.

You don't have the money - so there is no issue here. The OP's current husband and she do have the money. Different story.

I didn't say we have the money. I said if we scrimped and counted our pennies and took on the risk of saving nothing for the next several years, maybe we could pay the fees. We certainly don't have that much cash just sitting around right now.