Nervous re age / family planning

[126Doubts]

Soon to be 37, single, in a bit complicated situation where life circumstances didn't work out that much due to outside events, although not the hugely desperate type (in the no savings and previous student debt category).
Basically, beginning attempting retraining (OU), and don't hugely wish to date atm if I'm super honest,kind of want this time to try at least to better myself - I grew up in complicated circumstances, and just don't wish this life for my family if I do end up having one....
But also nervous as to if I should be wary of wasting time ?
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Let me know if any advice ? Happy stories obviously very welcome, but also blunt feedback ?

Let me know also if any questions specifically would help answer. TIA

To be blunt, if you definitely want children then you need to prioritise that now. Plenty of women do have babies in their late thirties or early forties but the statistics don’t lie and you’ll be absolutely gutted if you delay trying for a few years only to find it doesn’t happen for you. Retraining can wait but your fertility might not.

I agree that having a baby needs to come first if it is something you really want. Why can't you date and better yourself at the same time? I was retraining when I met DP. If you really don't want a baby now and aren't bothered about a partner you could freeE an embryo with donor sperm. Egg freezing is much less likely to be successful.

You have left it late .. not yet too late but it will
be soon .
you can keep making excuses about your own shit childhood etc … but the reality is … if you want a baby of your own then you need to crack on with sorting it out asap … before you no longer have the option .

Thanks. I was thinking of giving myself a few months just to focus on the course, then resume, otherwise if I was younger I would probably have done the full degree first.
I'm so nervous as to if I'd be exposing them to the same life I had.

@126Doubts there are no perfect circumstances in which to have a baby really - some better than others, yes, but difficulties arise no matter what. What happened in your life that you are afraid of repeating? Is there anything you can put in place to mitigate the impact?

Thanks, yes probably could do both, I think I'm a bit nervous as I feel like a lot of women my age have it all figured out, so a bit unsure of myself atm also really. Re donors there is definitely the financial aspect, I don't really have more than your regular food roof etc type budget.

@126Doubtsin what way do you think women your age have it all figured out? I am the same age and can tell you now that I have nothing figured out!

I was in a bit of a neglectful and negative environment, although it's not something I'm worried about repeating to be fair, I just wanted better finances I think mostly (as I also grew up poor, but my friends tell me that can be mitigated).

I had DS in my mid forties and there were loads of us older mums at the Primary school gates. In fact, I can’t think of any mums that were in their twenties. It’s a village school in a touristy area.

My friend had her one and only DS when she was 47. He’s very loved and they have a great life.

There’s no guarantees in life so you constantly have to take risks and hope for the best.

Sadly my friend who had her twins when she was early 30’s lost her DH to cancer before he was 50 and the kids were young teens. They did everything right and were both very health conscious but these things can just happen.

Focus on your new career and accept that what will be, will be.

@126Doubtsi don't have much money either. I used a reuse site and got pretty much everything I needed for the newborn stage free - next to me crib, bassinet, play gym, babygrows, baby bath, blankets, car mirror...you name it, I got it! The only things I bought were the going home outfit, cot mattress and travel system. Now he is a bit older i still use those sites get free toys and buy clothes from Vinted. Babies can be expensive but they don't have to be

I would say finances are a big one.
Maybe also working on my confidence. I found when briefly trying OLD this summer I seemed to attract a bit more older men/ 'saviour' types maybe

Thanks so much. I'm in a bit more conservative maybe environment re ages.

@126Doubtsnot everyone has their finances sorted - many people exist on credit. Could you work on your confidence whilst dating? My confidence was at rock bottom when I met DP but I employed a 'fake it to make it' strategy. IME confidence is something that waxes and wanes with life stage/life events, not a permanent personality feature

I had a full menopause at 40. So presumably couldn't have had children for several years beforehand. Honestly, get on with it if you want children.

How did you work on the confidence ?
Not necessarily in my close circle, but in the distant one there's a lot of rather successful people (some having chosen to not have children despite that). Maybe finances are a bit of a red herring for me though.
Thanks a lot for taking the time to reply

Start your course and start dating, see what happens. Reassess in 6 months.

@126Doubtssomething I have learned is that confidence does not precede action, it follows it. E.g. I only became confident in dating after I had been on a few dates. I only became confident in making friends after joining local social groups and putting myself out there. I only became confident eating in public after doing it a few times. You have to do whatever the thing you're not confident in before the confidence comes. It is uncomfortable for sure but it is the only way. When setting myself up to go out of my comfort zone I do my hair and make up nicely and that helps me to feel more positive about the situation. Hope that makes sense!

Don't delay your course. Everyone seems to be prioritising a baby but there's no guarantee that you will even be able to conceive, it's not a given. If you do fall pregnant you can pause your OU course and pick it up later, it's all modular.

Go for it you won't regret it.

That was my thinking really, everything else you can work on at another time.

I think I grew up in a maybe quite negative and a bit controlling maybe environment where I was repeatedly told things like would go nowhere, no partner, it's all for others, and - this part is on me - I've only in the last year or so started to work on trying to make that happen for myself so as to not repeat the same environment (my previous relationship went ok in itself, I did feel maybe unsure of my place when he had adult children that you're (happy to do so) taking care of, but at the end of the day I sort of lost myself a bit.).
I think I wanted to work on assertiveness amongst others, I mean for me I don't mind the lower finances etc, but I don't want any child I may or may not have to see the world like I did, so I wanted to try to be more confident in myself first, if that makes sense.

All that being said, one of my friends said I was overthinking as baby years they just want to be fed:).

You are going to get a lot of anecdotes, I will share mine.

I grew up very poor but was lucky enough to marry at 32 and have children. I retrained in my late twenties for a better career.

Some friends have remained childless, only one by choice, some divorced, some have had some awful men in their lives, one has done it to herself if I’m honest and it’s exasperating and some in very long happy marriages of 25 to 30 years.

All very different outcomes for women I have known for at least 2 if not 3 decades. it’s really a right time right place and no one knows those times or places. My DH came in to my workplace, if I had not retrained and moved cities I would never have met him.

I say increase your chances by meeting as many people as possible and by doing as much as possible.

I think what your wanting to change is your confidence, I was not a confident child and very young adult. Moving away from my home town and changing careers was THE best decision I ever made.

Your friend is not wrong.

This is really helpful thank you, as one aspect of the field is the possibility to move cities (at least within Europe as a dual national, beyond that obviously visas kick in more), I do need to upskill a bit first.
And yes, I've been looking into hobbies I previously wanted to do but was nervous to try.

I think I just need to get it in my head that I'd never repeat the same environment, and I have other friends that grew up poor and their parents were loving and motivated etc.

You need to have a good think about it having a child is your top priority as if you want to do it then conventional way you need to get out there, meet as many people as you can, date however people date these days and meet your person.

However be prepared that mother nature may not be on your side as your egg reserves may be low. May be an idea to get a full fertility mot as that might influence your decision as if you can't have them naturally then you have to consider treatment which is costly.

Hi OP, I’m in a similar situation to yourself. I’m 34 and have decided to re train via a degree which I’m currently doing. I am dating but know I could definitely put more time into dating more. I made the decision to freeze my eggs and I’m currently in that process though I know it’s not a given and an option for everyone. For me personally I would pause my retraining if I became in the position to have a child but that’s just my personal choice.

Good luck with your retraining!