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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Letting 11 yo dd go abroad with friend and family. Now I regret it

54 replies

bs125 · 04/09/2026 08:01

My dd has been invited on a 3 day trip abroad with her friend and her parents. All is booked and dd knows about it. But now I have regrets. Trust the parents to look after dd etc but I think I may have made a huge mistake. I can’t stop crying. It will be dd first time abroad without me. She has been away for a few days around the uk with clubs she attends but never been a plane ride away, what if she needs me? I can’t just jump in car and go collect her. I’m in an absolute panic now. Aibu to cancel her going? I struggle with and anxiety so this could be my anxiety or am I being completely unreasonable in letting her go??

OP posts:

TheOccupier · 04/09/2026 08:02

Your vote makes no sense but you would be unreasonable to cancel the trip. This would be so sad for your Dd and damage her friendship. This is down to your anxiety - what support do you have with that?

SethAndReubenTooSendGaloshes · 04/09/2026 08:04

Don't let your anxiety hold your daughter back. Don't make her world small because of your condition. Let her go and do not let her see how anxious you are.

AutumnAllTheWay · 04/09/2026 08:05

I would be stressed about this too at 11. 12 seems so much better somehow!

Id focus on your thoughts that you trust the other family to look after her tho. That says everything.

ponyprincess · 04/09/2026 08:05

Sorry you are feeling this way.

Did something happen between when you agreed to the trip and now to make you mistrust the parents? Or is your anxiety just increasing as the departure day gets closer? YANBU to feel a bit of anxiety, but the level you are feeling seems a bit extreme if there are no particular reasons you think.the family won't look after her properly.

parietal · 04/09/2026 08:06

DD will be fine - you say you trust the parents. Don’t let her see your anxiety and don’t let it spoil things

MsSquiz · 04/09/2026 08:09

At 11 I went on my first school trip to France, cried on the coach down to Dover and then had the best week!
it was my first time away from my DM (lone parent, only child) and apparently she also cried the first night I was away but she knew she had to let me go because it was something I really wanted to do.

I would speak to the parents and just explain how you feel but that you don’t want to cancel, they might even say they’d feel the same away if the roles were reversed.
but don’t cancel it

KidsAndDogsGalore · 04/09/2026 08:09

Has your DD said or done anything that would indicate that she wants to stay home?
If not, let her go. She's 11, you are entering the stage where they slowly flex their independence.

Meadowfinch · 04/09/2026 08:10

Calm down.

If she needs you, she can facetime you for a chat, and your advice. If something really serious happens (most unlikely) you can hop on a plane and go to her. If she's only going for a few days, I guess it isn't far.

Take a deep breath, make sure you have all the details of where she will be staying, and give your dd a little freedom. Don't inflict your anxiety on her.

Plan some personal treats for while she is away.

PurplebudsWhitebuds · 04/09/2026 08:12

When my DS was 11 he went abroad on a school trip. Initially he didn't want to go - he was quite quiet and shy. We had to really persuade him that the opportunity to go to Paris was really too good a one to miss and that he would regret not going when all his pals were going.
He went. He had a great time, and it was a brilliant experience. I missed him like crazy and was worried about him. But all these years later he remembers the trip fondly.

If you trust the parents of your Dd's friend then I think you should let her go on this trip. Accept you will worry, but give her this great opportunity.

Savvysix1984 · 04/09/2026 08:12

It’s natural to feel anxious as the time gets closer but this sounds like a lovely opportunity for your dd. If she’s happy and excited to go then I’d keep your fears to yourself.

LIZS · 04/09/2026 08:15

Don’t make your issues hers. Once she has been it will be easier next time. 3 days means only one or two days when you don’t see her.

Floppyearedlab · 04/09/2026 08:18

It would be horribly selfish to take this opportunity away from her over a you issue. Just don’t.

ExtraOnions · 04/09/2026 08:18

My 11 (or 10 as she was due to being a summer baby) went to France with school,as the Y6 trip, for 5 days. Had a great time.

You are thinking about what is best for you, not what is best for her. She’ll pick up on your anxiety and not want to go.

Original poster

bs125 · 04/09/2026 08:19

Nothing has happened it is just because the trip is booked and getting closer that my anxiety is spiralling, dd is very excited and has no idea of my anxiety as I am trying to be all smiles around her.

I think it’s the thought that she is so far away, she’s not just up the road where I can jump in the car and get to her as soon as possible. She’s a flight away. It’s only 3 days and only just over a 3 hour flight.

thanks for the reassurance.

also don’t know how to turn off the voting, I didn’t mean to do that.

OP posts:

stichguru · 04/09/2026 08:21

I get why you are anxious, but it would be rude to cancel now as everything will have been paid for etc. She'll be fine and so will you. I also think, unless you ban her from going abroad with friends until she's like 18, it will be just as hard the first time however old she is!

Poppingby · 04/09/2026 08:22

I'm an anxious person too. You CANNOT let your own anxiety hamper your DD's life or stop her enjoying things. Treat it as an exercise in living with the fear and doing it anyway. You can't magic anxiety away but ike most things, practice helps you be in control of what happens to your daughter - not your anxiety.

HairyAries · 04/09/2026 08:31

Oh love, I would be the same… but you’ve got to remember that it’s great that your DD is confident enough to be excited about going.
You trust the parents, and 3 days isn’t very long.

My advice is: Force yourself to make a list of what it actually is that is worrying you. You might find there’s not much on there! For the
things you are worried about, think of solutions.
For example, you’re worried that she’ll miss you and you can’t come and get her. So have a light chat with her about what she should do if she gets homesick - she can message you, ring you… she can tell her friend’s mum, and she can also remember that 3 days will go by quickly and it’s a great adventure for her.
If you’re worried about something practical for example getting sun burnt or a health issue - talk to the friend’s parents - you can frame it as “oh I do get a bit anxious about X and X, so could you make sure she XXX….” I’m sure the mum will understand, and it’ll reassure you that you’ve said it.

thetinsoldier · 04/09/2026 08:32

It’s your anxiety speaking. You need to get help with that.

Unless you have some back story about the friend’s parents being terrible people who won’t supervise dd?

Grumpynan · 04/09/2026 08:33

I suffer with anxiety, no one really understands how exhausting it is.

she will be gone 3 days, you will talk to her at least once a day, she can send photos of what’s she doing. Infact you will probably hear more about her life than you do when she’s at home (I know when my adult children are away, this happens)

you can mention your worries to the parents they will understand and gently ensure she keeps in touch and will probably send pictures too.

then 4 days after she has driven off, you will stand in the kitchen looking at all the laundry she brought back and cooking her favourite dinner and wonder what all the worry was.

my mantra is “this too will pass”

Annoyedbyhusband · 04/09/2026 08:36

I wouldn’t have let my son go at that age but this is because he has adhd and I don’t trust that other people could manage his spontaneous ability to do almost anything suddenly. But I would be fine he he was sensible and listened to instruction and wasn’t prone to doing random sudden things like climbing a sea wall or grabbing an artifact in a museum or sticking his head in a rubbish crusher (all true stories where danger was averted by our quick reactions) So if your daughter is sensible, listens and isn’t prone to random acts of danger and doesn’t need extreme parenting then of course it will be perfectly fine and she will have a great time.

nearlyemptynes · 04/09/2026 08:39

Get a grip otherwise you risk passing your anxiety on to your daughter. As parents we have the responsibility of bringing our children up so that they are confident to explore the world. My daughter is now 17, has just passed her driving test, achieves well at school, works part time and is a confident young lady. She went abroad at age 8 with cubs to gibralter and loved it. It was the making of her. If you cancel this trip you will not only damage your daughter but also the relationship you have with her. Do not clip her wings.

FlapperFlamingo · 04/09/2026 08:39

Let her go! Don't hold her back and disappoint her due to your anxiety! She'll love it - and it's 3 days not 2 weeks!

honeylulu · 04/09/2026 08:48

You really must not cancel. Your daughter is excited and wants to go. You would upset and disappoint her by cancelling. Her friend would also be upset and her parents would be very pissed off.

I get that you're anxious and that's a horrible feeling but giving in to your anxiety will just feed it and you'll start to feel that the only "safe" thing to do is to say no to everything. That's very constricting for your daughter and could damage your relationship.

My mum was quite over protective and didn't let me do a lot of things because "I don't want to worry". It became a huge problem because her wanting to avoid worrying always overrode what I longed to do. I'm afraid to say when it got to teenage years I just used to lie a lot so I could do stuff my friends were allowed to do. Sometimes she had no idea where I really was (no Life 360 in those days) and it also meant if I did run into trouble I couldn't confide in her or ask her to pick me up. I'm not saying let her run riot but you do need to work on a balance for both your sakes.

Woollybee9 · 04/09/2026 08:53

Let her go.
Do some meditation and relax while she’s gone.
Dont stop the fun.

maryberryslayers · 04/09/2026 08:58

You absolutely can not cancel, she will be fine, they will look after her and you can face time her each day.
Be proud of yourself that you've raised such a confident child that is so well liked she has been invited on holiday with her friend.
Figure out what exactly it is you are concerned about and put things in place with her, make sure she has plenty of cash, copy's of her travel insurance, her GHIC card. Agree with the parents what she is allowed to do in terms of independence, talk to her about what to do if she gets lost or needs help.
This will be so good for her, not having mum able to come and collect at the drop of a hat and having to navigate situations independently is really important and will build resilience and confidence.

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